Welcome back, Bachelor lovers! And, goodness, what an exciting week it’s been! I mean, first Delta Goodrem was finally exposed for her inability to perform a simple step-ball-change without looking like Ned Flanders in a three-legged race, and then we suddenly got a whole SWAG of brand new US readers because, apparently, Bindi Irwin’s tits are really IN over there and whenever you Google ‘Bindi Irwin’s Tits’ or ‘Bindi Irwin’s big tits’ or, even better: ‘Bindi Irwin Tits Dog’s Cock’ – believe it or not, you come up with us! Hooray!
But let’s get back to the quest for love, shall we?
Back at the mansion and Osher arrives wearing a maroon jumper which his stylist has assured him will be a big hit with the chicks. It isn’t, and though there’s an initial flurry in his direction, it’s only for the Date Card which he leaves on the table in disgust. Naturally, every girl is hoping to be The One, especially Anita who declares that she wants the date so she can be all over him like Elizabeth Berkley in a swimming pool.
But of course, as we know from the ads, the name on the card is Holly, who looks both confused and orange at the same time, and Rico mutters that if Blake turns up wearing a white shirt, we’ll be in for a lot of belly laughs.
Anyhoo, before Holly can gather her shit and get out of the piranha pit, Canadian Amber wants to know if she’s planning to ‘kiss and tell’ or whether, like Jess, she’ll deny so hard they’ll end up having to gag her in her sleep.
To the cameras, Holly swears that she’s never received so much as a single raised middle finger on Valentine’s Day, and so the thought of going on a romantic date with Blake, pashing for the cameras and then confessing all for a bunch of harpies, makes her want to spill her lunch.
Unfortunately for Holly, that lunch is going to be a fight to keep down because Blake’s waiting for her next to a seaplane and the pilot looks maggot-drunk.
To the cameras, Blake struggles to describe Holly as something other than a Minotaur and ends up settling for the fact that she ‘looks up for anything’, which Rico reckons is sad considering this is one thing Holly is definitely not, considering the poor thing has put her shorts on inside out and no-one seems to have provided her with a bucket.
Up they go and Holly attempts to take her mind off her guts by reaching for the trusty Bachelorette Gratitude Script and hollering for a solid ten minutes about how fucking grateful she is. When they finally touch down, Holly swears blind to the cameras that Blake snuck a grip on her boob while pointing out some asylum seekers getting loaded back onto a boat to Indonesia, and if it wasn’t for the fact that there were so many screaming children putting her off, she might well have returned the favour.
Back to the date and it’s time for a stroll along the beach, an orchestra to appear out of nowhere, and Holly to start blubbering about how hard it must have been for Blake to arrange the permits.
To the cameras, Blake says that you ‘can’t fake this kind of behaviour’ and that must mean that Holly is as desperate and clinging in real life as she is on the show.
Rico reckons if Blake every breaks up with this woman and things go pear-shaped – it won’t have been from lack of warning.
When Holly finally mops the last of the snot from her upper lip and can see enough to walk further, Blake leads her to a sofa on the beach and, under the stern eye of producers, wearily pops the cork on the champagne.
Back at the mansion and everyone’s getting revved up because the group date card has arrived and there’s a whole group of girls who feel about as loved as human feces on a rental boat.
‘Time to get down and dirty’ reads the card and Sam states the obvious that she’s a total skank who’s been hoping to get her kit off and dive vagina-first into a pit of mud since the minute this show started.
And the lucky girls are: dowdy Lauren, slutty Sam, someone called Zoe, someone called Shana, someone called Lisa, Guitar Girl, Laurina, Canadian Amber and… Chantal – who’s so happy she takes to the cameras and immediately starts bitching about Laurina.
Poor, disappointed Anita mutters that she’s once again missed out on an opportunity so see Blake’s parts and stare at him unblinkingly until he gives her a baby. Bummer.
Back to the one-on-one, though, because it’s that time of the evening where the champagne level gets low and Holly is still droning on about netball.
‘Sometimes, when I’m on Goal Attack, I like, you know, ATTACK.’
‘Fascinating,’ mutters Blake. ‘So, I guess you’ve never had a boyfriend – er – I mean, tell me about your relationship history.’
Holly obliges that she’s never had a boyfriend and that, not counting her Deborah-Lee Furness hand-puppet, she’s never been kissed. Blake tries for surprise but ends up just shoving a rose in her fist in the hopes that it will stop the producers shrieking THAT instruction into his earpiece.
No such luck, and what follows is a quasi-lean-in that Blake SWEARS was meant to end up in a proper kiss, but which Rico insists was aiming somewhere towards China.
To the cameras, Holly gushes that the cheek kiss obviously means that Blake is an old fashioned romantic who wants to save their kisses for their wedding night and possibly Jess’s face, and that’s quite alright as long as she can still draw his name in a heart on her pencil case and tell her Gramma that she’s a racist old bitch who doesn’t know fuck all about the flavor of dark meat.
Back at the house and just as the girls are muttering about how fucking unfair it would be if White Rose Holly were to walk back in with a Red Rose, here she is carrying their worst nightmare.
‘Did you kiss???’ they shriek, with the exception of Jess. And Holly responds that kissing and telling is not her style – unless they want to hear all about Debs.
‘But did you think you had a connection and chemistry?’ asks Jess.
‘Oh, definitely!’ gushes Holly – but only because she thinks they’re still talking about her hand puppet, and what she would give to have a few private moments right about now.
The next day dawns and it’s group date time and here’s a view of a horse pasture and some horses – no, wait! It’s the girls!
But what’s this? Canadian Amber is having a moment because apparently whenever she’s around horses a boner explodes in her pants and NO WAY does she want Blake to know that she still has all her natural born man-parts.
‘Do you know how SEXY they are?’ she wails, before strapping on a world-class tantrum and stomping out of the date.
In the shocked aftermath, Chantal reckons it’s lucky Blake isn’t there to witness the giant fist-pump she’s about to perform at having one less girl to compete against.
Speaking of Blake, here he comes wearing jeans that make his thighs look a little chunky and leading one of Amber’s pin-ups. But, hold on, it’s all just a prop because the challenge of the day is to hop onto a mechanical bull and show Blake that you’ll be happy to do all the work when he comes home from a hard night of stripping for the blue-rinse brigade.
Sam, who is no stranger to rough-riding semi-conscious men, takes first shot and manages to stay on board for 28 seconds, a time that is undefeated until Laurina’s side-boobs make their way into the arena and manage to hang on for an extra two.
‘She cheated!’ cries Sam, who’s foot – like Chantal’s – has been tapping to the beat of Die, Laurina, Die. An accusation that Laurina takes with all due seriousness and addresses to the cameras with a simple:
‘How do you like me now, bitches?
Oh Laurina, have you met our dear friend Courtney?
Yes, we loved her too.
Anyhoo, back to the date because Laurina’s win means her side-boobs now get some alone-time to try and convince Blakey to free them from their confinement, while the other girls spend their time productively calling her a cunt.
Back at the house and the left-overs are shocked to see a tearful Amber walking through the door and – what’s this? That’s right, lovers, it’s time for Tantrum Number 2!
‘I just want to be left allloooooooooonnnne!’ she howls, before fleeing out of range of the cameras, and Jason-Louise murmurs that she’d say bitch was on her rag, but bitch wishes HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Back to Laurina’s alone-time and it isn’t going well because whoever scripted Blake’s questions is probably Anita.
‘So what do you think is Anita’s best feature?’ he asks.
Laurina, naturally, thinks this line of questioning is a sack of crap and anyone who seriously thinks they can improve their career from this experience is clearly currently working as a stripper.
The end result? No rose for her.
But let’s get back to the rest of the girls because they’re all dancing around like a pack of Delta Goodrems, which means the producers have left them with the keys to daddy’s liquor cabinet.
Slutty Sam is the first to get some one-on-one with Blake, but despite slurring at him like a post-dentist grizzly, she doesn’t get a rose either. And, as it happens, neither does anyone else.
Back at the house and it’s Cocktail Party time and Laurina is thinking that tonight may be the night to ditch her hard-to-get act in the light of last night’s stripper comments.
In come’s Blake and he makes a bee-line for Canadian Amber to find out if the rumours are true and that she abandoned the group date in order to tug one off back at the house.
Unable to deny it, Amber confesses that her love for horses crosses the bounds of all decency, and surely he can understand that considering he gave Holly the White Rose?
Over with the other girls and Chantal reckons it’s time to do what no other group of women on The Bachelor have done before: stop cutting other bitches’ grass. Laurina, who wasn’t within earshot when this vitally important piece of legislation was passed through the Senate, asks Amber if she thinks it’s fair for her to cut-in on Anita. Amber, sensing this is her chance to dig a bear pit without actually putting her back into it, tells her to go ahead.
So off Laurina goes, unaware that the lynching wagons are being tuned up in her wake and that, when asked under oath ‘Are you a hypocritical whore?’ not ONE of these bitches will answer in the affirmative.
Anita, who has been busy impressing Blake with her non-alcohol-related palsy and enormous veneers, is not happy when Laurina arrives and proceeds to turn the conversation to things other than how her body convulses with stalkery-need whenever he walks into a room.
Back with the lynch mob and Amber is encouraging everyone to dip their torches and pack an extra length of rope, while Chantal and Sam get more and more vocal about how this is so UNFAIR on poor, psychotic Anita.
Back with the threesome, and Laurina and Blake are talking travel which effectively excludes Anita considering the closest she’s ever come to leaving Australia was when she managed to shove herself in a post pack and address it to Ryan Gosling. Defeated, she flees to the welcoming arms of the mob who nod consolingly when she bleats about how she’s always been ‘so nice’ to Laurina, because there was that time she had the opportunity to drop a used tampon in her tea and SHE DIDN’T!
Back with Blake, and Laurina is making the most of her opportunity to mend fences by pushing out her forehead vein and talking about her shortcomings.
‘I didn’t mean stripping was BAD!’ she gushes. ‘I just meant I wouldn’t do it if my grandmother had cancer and needed a spare twenty for a new liver! Plus I put walls up!’
Mission accomplished she heads back to the angry mob, just in time for slutty Sam to unleash an f-bomb flavored, arm-waving tirade that looks like it was born at the bottom of a bottle of Bundaberg.
When Laurina walks away, Klan Matriarch, Amber, toasts her, before trotting off to prepare for Act Two, which involves Laurina saying WTF and Amber showing Laurina that Sam isn’t the only one who can Hoover all her best lines off the floor of a nightclub.
Elsewhere in the house, and there’s a small group of girls who think not even Laurina deserves to be sprayed at by two pieces of trash straight off the trailer. One of them, Lisa, reckons ‘you never let a girl stand alone’ and Rico reckons he could have done with a girl like Lisa when he was the tall, gentile flower at school who just didn’t want to get the ginger kids on his shoes.
Rose Ceremony time and Amber tells the cameras that she’d be devo not to get a rose because she hasn’t ‘hit her peak’ of being a complete and utter cunt-faced whore. But what’s this? Safe Holly is hollering for a bucket and Blake gets her off the stage and into the house just before she can chunk all over the roses and blow out the floristry budget.
With the near-miss out of the way, the first rose goes to Anita, followed by Laurina, followed by Sam. Nice Lisa is next, followed by Alana, Jess, Princess Di, Shana, Jason-Louise, Chantal, someone called Cara and then Lauren. Which means it’s down to someone called Amanda and Canada’s least-treasured export: Amber.
And the rose goes to: Amber, of course, because what would ratings be without the potential for this horror to upgrade her shovel and dig herself even deeper into Australia’s bad graces?
To Amanda, Osher says he’s sorry, but that in case she hasn’t noticed Blake doesn’t like Asianny girls – or any girls, in fact, who don’t share the pasty complexion of his sex-on-a-stick mother.
Back in the house and the chit-chat once again turns stabby when Amber wonders where slutty Sam is and Laurina shares the gratifying news that she’s currently self-flagellating away from prying eyes as a way of atoning for saying mean things to Laurina, and would Amber like to join her?
Amber declines in the colourful and ladylike way we’ve come to know and adore and leaves so many horrified, gaping mouths in her wake that Rico says, if he didn’t know any better, he’d swear we were watching crowd-stills from the Commonwealth Games closing ceremony.
The show ends with a preview of Holly continuing to wrestle with her stomach lining because an Immaculate Conception is clearly in her belly and who gives a rat’s for The Bachelor when the Second Coming is on the table? Well-played God!
Until next time romance lovers!