Well here we are back on the set of The Bachelor and, according to the man himself, ‘this is the week the real fun begins!’.
Rico reckons this is truly exciting news because he’s usually prepared to wait a good three to four weeks before the screaming starts and Osher gets caught overly-consoling the rejects in the back of the limo.
Anyhoo, what Blake means, of course, is that now he gets to start taking the credit for whatever overly stylized dates the producers have come up with and, naturally, not fight back when whichever incredibly grateful woman he’s with tries to stick her tongue in his mouth. And first off the bat for this dubious honour is…
Of the bachelorettes gathered around the date card, Chantal looks the most obviously narky at this news, while Anita just mutters that she’s the jealous type, just in case anyone was wondering.
Holder of the coveted white rose, Holly, who has clearly been dabbling with Carrie Bickmore’s peculiar shade of tandoori bronzer, tells the cameras that she’s totes not surprised because Jess got to have a decent conversation with him that didn’t involve Blake shielding his eyes and hollering for the producers to dim the lights.
Over to Jess and she is, naturally, happier than a pig with a machine gun in a bacon factory. She’s also got the Grateful Woman lingo down pat because when Blake rolls up to the house to take her out she’s blown away by how ‘galant’ he is, because isn’t every other woman used to men beeping the horn from a drive-thru six blocks away?
Anyhoo, the producers pick this time to give us a little background info on Jess, which basically tells us that her dream in life is to replicate her parents’ marriage – right down to the turkey-slapping her dad performs every year on their anniversary. Yay for Jess.
Back to the ‘date’ though, because Jess has got a long day of gratitude ahead of her, starting with the white sports car parked outside the house.
‘That car is all sex!’ she gushes. ‘Missionary sex, quiet sex – that’s all of them right?’
‘Er…’ mutters Blake before gunning the engine and wishing to God he’d taken slutty Sam.
Anyhoo, after a bit of driving it’s blindfold time because it’s only months until the release of Fifty Shades of Grey and who knows what the thought of some surprise anal beads could do for ratings?
‘Oh my GOD!’ gushes Jess when the blindfold comes off to reveal an ice rink the size of a shoe box and last year’s Christmas lights.
Oh hang on, that’s Juan Pablo.
‘Glad you like it’ murmurs Blake, before cautioning her not to fling her arms too wide or she’ll knock out a camera man.
To the cameras Jess goes on and on about how Blake is a ‘true romantic’ – because nothing spells ‘true romantic’ than a man willing to follow instructions for the mother of all pay checks.
Back to the date, though, because it’s time for the re-enactment of the lift scene from Dirty Dancing (yes, that’s our interpretation and we’re sticking to it!), culminating in a sloppy stack with lots of prime footage of flushed cheeks, plumber’s cracks and camera men jostling each other for position.
Cue Chantal back at the house telling everyone that Jess doesn’t kiss on the first date and, therefore, if she breaks her word, they have justification to shit in her bed.
But what’s this? Ooh, the Group Date card has arrived and even though Anita said she didn’t want to go on a Group Date because she wants Blake all to herself, there’s always time for a crazy bitch to change her mind, and this is it!
Anita gets lucky, but Chantal does not, and there’s a bit of grumbling about white rose Holly getting picked, which white rose Holly reckons is just a case of FUCK OFF AND DIE, BITCHES!
Back to Jess and Blake though, because Jess has changed into a dress that probably would have looked really great on someone like tall Lorena, but ends up making short, curvy Jess look like a 3 litre milk.
To the cameras, Blake says that it was like watching Jess walk down the aisle because she was wearing a white dress and walking down an aisle and shit, and Rico mutters that this man could conceivably be the greatest comic genius since Aileen Wuornos.
Back to business though, and the producers have decided to add a little danger into the mix by serving red wine with a white dress. And, sure enough, things soon get deadly because before you know it Jess is telling Blake all about the overbite she ‘used to have’ and how her last boyfriend had to have a jaw reconstruction after their third date.
‘Ummm – could you just wait here a second?’ asks terrified Blake, but unfortunately for him there’s no escape and he’s sent back to hell clutching a red rose, not a Hannibal Lector-style muzzle.
And, sure enough, the sight of the rose is too much for Jess’ ‘first date rule’, and even though Blake tries and fails to break it off early, he still manages to get out with his face intact.
‘Feel my heart beating!’ gushes Jess, which makes Rico spring from his chair and snap that he knows we made a Patrick Swayze reference earlier, but that’s no reason to try and make the guy roll even harder.
Back at the house and all the girls are waiting up to see Jess in her dress and listen to her deny deny deny.
‘It didn’t feel right sharing what happened in front of a bunch of girls’ she tells the cameras. ‘Does that make me a lying cunt?’
Why yes, Jess. Why yes it does.
Opinion in the house is split, though, with Chantal thinking Jess isn’t the type to speak with forked tongue, and slutty Sam declaring she’s full of shit because she didn’t say shit and that means ah fuck shit!
Anyhoo, the next day dawns and that means it’s time for the Group Date which happens to be a Woman’s Day wedding photoshoot where four of the girls get to be bride and the rest get to be the desperados who get sloppy drunk and end up picking diced carrot out of their handbags.
Princess Di, Lorena, Jason-Louise and Alana get to be brides, while aging Tiarnar gets to be the bridesmaid who makes the hair and make-up people want to kill themselves.
‘I look ugly!’ she complains, while Alana snips that she’s so unprofessional and if this were her ACTUAL wedding day, she’d SO seat her next to the granddad who smells like liver.
Rico reckons, in Tiarnar’s defense, she DOES look ugly. Hideous in fact. But to place the blame on the poor hairdresser is like blaming the plumber for what comes out of the u-bend.
Anyhoo, the first of the photoshoots has Lorena as the bride and Lorena wastes no time telling Blakey that she’s a ‘seasoned veteran’ and if he doesn’t do EXACTLY as he’s told she’ll make him wish he opted for the waterproof mascara.
Rico reckons he’s confused because isn’t Lorena supposed to be a ‘fashion entrepreneur’ and could this ‘seasoned veteran’ stuff mean she’s a serial bride who waits until the honeymoon to announce she’s half preying mantis on her mother’s side?
Next up is Alana as the bride and Blake reckons he likes the fact that she let him guide her – with just a little pressure on the back of her head.
Jason-Louise gets to be the bride on the wedding night which means Blake gets to take his shirt off and reminisce about a particular hens night where he earned $800 and managed to knock off three car stereos.
And finally it’s Diana’s turn to be ‘cake-cutting bride’, which obviously means a lot of Diana yapping at the camera about how she wants a full Disney wedding, including a Mickey Mouse paternity suit nine months later.
With the shoots done it’s booze time and bride Alana gets singled out for a one-on-one and then a rose, which has Rico muttering that, really, she’s not bad looking and if she turned up at the door with an untapped four-litre under her arm, she just might make it past the dog.
Anita, of course, reckons there is ZERO chemistry between Alana and Blake, whereas Holly names Alana and Jess as her ‘biggest rivals’, proving that, though she may own a mirror, she’s clearly never looked in it.
Back to the house to the other bachelorettes and it’s Cocktail Party time and Chantal is worried because Blake has never approached her and Lorena has shown up late wearing something last seen on Ru Paul’s Drag Race.
‘I’ve been busy eating chicken!’ she announces, which Rico reckons is about as likely as Anita reading Sleeping With the Enemy without circling the stalky-bits.
Anyhoo, after not much time at all, Osher appears and that means it’s time for Blake to listen closely to his ear-piece and try not to fuck any of it up.
Sam, who is clearly living in a magical world where entertainment doesn’t exist, really, REALLY doesn’t want Lorena to get a rose. Thankfully for us, though, she does – unlike bucket bag-face Tiarnar and some caramelly-skinned minority called Brigitte-Rose.
‘Nice knowing you.’ Hisses Tiarnar, slicing her fingers across her throat and hawking out a ground-slag that makes Rico wipe away a small, proud tear.
But what’s this? Lorena is crying because apparently she and Tiarnar had bonded over their shared appreciation of Lorena’s beauty and Tiarnar’s capacity to ride on the luggage carousel without drawing attention.
Chantal immediately starts questioning why Lorena is weeping tears for Tiarnar when she should be saving them for when Blake first unzips his trousers. Lorena responds that she ‘doesn’t even know the guy’, but when the time comes, and if he is as tiny as Osher has been running around saying, she’ll absolutely have some emotion in the vault.
Until next time, lovers!