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A Special Guest Analysis of The Voice Australia Finalists

19 Jun

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Hey there you guys! Wow things have been CRAY-ZEE since I got kicked off The Voice. It’s like I can’t even walk down the street without someone saying ‘Hey! Ain’t you that girl from Romper Stomper?’ or ‘How hard did you laugh when that bitch sang Frozen HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAH!’.

Anycooch, guess you’ll be wanting to know if my parents are still digging my alternative lifestyle and the answer is YES! Daddy pulled me aside after the show and told me my performance of Mariah Carey was so special he wanted to keep my leopard spotty jacket and put it in a special place for all time! Isn’t that sweet? And, yeah, I totally gave it to him and I went to bed real happy at how happy I made him, and even when I woke up and he was having some sort of bonfire in the backyard and I yelled down ‘yo daddy-O, you OK down there’, and he yelled up ‘EXORCIZAMUS TE, OMNIS IMMUNDUS SPIRITUS!’ or some shit that my mum reckons was totally church talk for ‘sure is now go back to bed!’, I still had like the GREATEST sleep of my LIFE!

Speaking of mum, do you know she’s getting down with a whole bunch of lesbianisms? Like, the other day, she picked up some lemons from the supermarket and ON PURPOSE MADE EYE-CONTACT WITH THE ASIAN GROCER just to let her know she was OK with her kid strumming the crotch chords to Rosie O’Donnell. But just not on Sundays, right? Because you aren’t supposed to WORK on Sundays. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You see what I did there?

Ah not that I mean any offense, or anything, I mean, if I was going to insult someone it would be that latino hole puncher Ricky Alvares because like, I’VE NEVER HAD ANY OPERA TRAINING FUCK GUTS! And as for you, Joel Madden IN MY ASS, my version of Mariah Carey soared to the heavens and I should know because I know CHURCH and you’re so fucking short you wouldn’t know celestial if it shat in your FACE and then sprayed you with the next Son of GOD!

Oh, hey! Got a little side-tracked! So, anyways, I’m here because my awesome buddies Flawless and Rico wanted to get my low-down on the Finalists now that all that battling, showdown crap is done with, and I thought: Why the hell not? I mean, it’s not like God can exactly send me to hell TWICE, AMIRIGHT? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Team Kylie:

1 – John Linguard

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Hehe, I like this guy – and not just because his surname makes me think filthy thoughts about Ellen Page RRRROOOOAAAAWWWWRRRRR. No, I like him because there’s no fucking WAY he’s going to win, and that means it’s just a matter of time before we’re all pally in the audience talking about how FILTH my leopard blazer was and why Havana Brown is just a fist to the face short of perfection. Go Johnny!

2 – Johnny Rollins

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Another Johnny! I like this one too, even though I suspect he’ll go a long way, because he sings good and, unlike C-Major, he doesn’t seem like a Major Cunt. I also like him ’cause all the girls Joel thinks are pretty would go for Johnny over Joel in a HEARTBEAT and Joel must know that and secretly feel shitty and small, which makes me feel awesome and great because #BETTERTHANMARIAH, BITCH!

3 – Kat Jade

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So, be honest, when Kylie sent this bitch straight through to finals did you laugh so hard it was like Ellie had a second bat at Let it Go but this time sung it wearing a pig costume? Yeah, me too. Personally I reckon Kylie looks at her and sees Young Kylie, before she got sausage-shanked by Jason Donovan, and that putting her straight into the finals is her way of giving Young Kylie a moment of kindness to remember before Public Opinion gets to boot her ass out in the Live Shows.

4 – Robbie Balmer

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Look, I know that right now it’s technically UNCOOL to dislike gingers because of Ed Sheeran and Prince Harry and the fact that everyone now says that Jesus WASN’T a ranga because he was from the Middle East and probably looked more like Osama Bin Laden or some shit – which frankly I think is so awesome because has anyone ever wished Antonio Banderas had more freckles? Uh – NO! Oh I digress, look, it’s not that I MIND his whispery little voice, but, in my opinion, the Main Contender has to at least be able to get his order heard going through a drive-thru, AMIRIGHT?

Team Ricky

1 – Ellie Oh.

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Not that I’m gloating or anything but remember when Ellie was like The One To Watch and they set her up to sing against someone with NO FORMAL OPERA TRAINING because they were so threatened by her opponent’s RAW CHARISMA and CRUSHING TALENT? Yeah. Anyway, since that Frozen shit everyone’s giving her side-eyes and no-one wants to stand too close to her in the elevator because God only knows when she might drop another giant stinker. Actually, I just talked to God and he reckons there’s NO WAY she should have won that battle and that Frozen was HIS vengeance for Ricky turning gay AND being a piss weak little bitch.

2 – Sabrina Batshit

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That typo is STAYING, bitches! Hey, do you guys remember when she was on Idol and she was always talking back to the judges because she thought she was the awesomest of the awesome and they thought she was just an evil-looking little munchkin without enough change to buy Pro-Activ? Yeah. Back then she was selling that low-self-esteem thing too, which I think is kinda funny considering she’s the only contestant who looks like she could realistically bite the throat out of a charging grizzly.

3 – C – Major WANKER

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Before you all say it, I KNOW he’s a good dancer and he’s not disgusting looking and he could probably sing his way out of a paper bag with a few hand signals and a guide dog, but CHRIST if his head isn’t covered with giant KNOB ends then I don’t know whose is! MY GF reckons it’s my latent heterosexuality doing the bitching because he was the kind of guy who would’ve featured BIG in my teenage wank catalogue but wouldn’t have held my hand in Sunday School unless there was a cupcake in it. Whatever, I still say the only way I’ll vote for him is if he mega slays Dame Nellie Melba with NO FORMAL TRAINING!

4 – Jackson Thomas

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Ooops – SCREW YOU GOOGLE!

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Yeah, we alllll know why Ricky scooped this little nugget out of the cat litter – AMIRIGHT? Remember that opera guy from last year? Ricky sooo wanted to shag him – plus he would have sung the living BOX off that Frozen song. Just sayin’… Anyhooch he’s got the baby blues but Matt Corby he ain’t, and I’ve got the sneaking suspicion he’d cry after sex which, come to think about it, is half the attraction for sick fucker Ricky.


Team Will.I.Am

1 – Gabriel and Cecilia

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Hehe – want to hear something funny? When I first saw these two I was like ‘ALRIGHT! Sister duo in da HOUSE!’. But then that killjoy bitch Feli or Filli or, as I like to call her, WHO CARES! told me one was actually a dude and that pissed me off because he was the pretty one and I was planning on dusting off some lines and laying them on him in the green room. Anycooch, they’re not too bad for a pair of hipsters, but I’m just gonna put it out there that Cecilia has prematurely yellowed teeth and if they can pull Thanda out of that turban-mumu combo, then they can sure as shit throw that bitch some whitening.

2 – ZK

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You know, my problem with these guys isn’t that they snubbed Kylie on National TV, but that they sung Justin Bieber on National TV. I mean, come ON people, native title and a couple of scarves does not excuse junior pimp lyrics. They are SO lucky that Will turned for them – actually, why the FUCK didn’t that bitch turn for me? I bet he would have if I’d been allowed to perform as a duo with my lifesize dominatrix Jesus – but those fuckers backstage said HELL NO, which is ironic because they’re the ones who’ll be burning for denying TRUE ART!

3 – Anja Nissen

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Man I love Anja and not just because she looks like she should be holding a jug of beer, wearing a dirndl and getting felt up by ME! No, I love her because she sings good and has that cute little gap between her teeth that I’d just love to nibble bacon out of. Plus, in motion she’s even better:

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Go Anja!

4 – Mat Verevis

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You know, one of my favourite movies of ALL TIME is this one called The Stuff where people eat this nasty yoghurt that then comes out of them and kills people. But in order for it to get out, their jaws have to dislocate, which is motherfuckingly PAINFUL by the looks of it and, well, thanks Matty for bringing all the good memories back!

Team Joel

1 – Isaac McGovern

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Ummmm – is it bad that I have no fucking idea who this one is? I’m looking at his picture and I swear all I’m thinking about is Brienne from GOT and what she’d look like under all that chain mail. Fuck that bitch is sexy. Am I being a spoilery bitch if I say that I could have scratched one out in the bank queue after that scene in the bear pit with the torn dress? True story.

2 – Talia Gouge

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Joel! This is A-U-S-T-R-A-L-I-A! The only country singers we like are bogans in disguise or lesbians who still haven’t told their One Big Secret to Nicole Kidman! Ah look, don’t get me wrong and all because she’s got a cute enough face and a cute enough voice but there’s just something about her that makes me think of pre-Karen Carpenter Rikki Lee Coulter and if that isn’t enough to set off the warning sounds, what is?

3 – Frank Lakoudis

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Ha ha I love Frank. I love his screamy voice and his Deborah Lee Furness-sexy girlfriend and how in nine months or so she’ll give birth to a tiny screamy baby who probably won’t look ANYTHING like Hugh Jackman. What, you didn’t know? Yeah, Frankie and Co had a bet that if he got past the blinds he’d never have to spill his unborn children into the infertile confines of a closed fist ever again. Just don’t name it ‘Joel’, because then I’ll want to smash its face in too.

4 – Holly Tap

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Ok, first off, to all those haters out there bitching about Joel and how he only picked Holly because she’s PRETTY and she’s got LONG HAIR and because she’s a GIRL, I just want to say: YEEAAAAHHHHHHH, CRUCIFY THAT SLIMY LITTLE MIDGET!!!! But now that I’ve got that off my chest, let’s all just give Holly a break because – and not to use the Lord’s name in vain but: Jesus fucking christ after all that shit she went through in Scotland don’t you think she deserves to get thrown a bone that doesn’t belong to Mel Gibson??

For those of you who are heartless or forgetful or 12, here’s a reminder:

Sad Holly then:

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A happy Holly now:

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Ooops, let’s try that again:

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Better.

Anyhoodles, don’t ask me who I reckon is gonna win because all I have to say about that is: I was robbed! ROBBED!!!!

And now because I’m all pissed off and grumpy here’s a picture of a mulletty Van Damme eating a snake to make us all feel better:

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Jess xxx

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