Ok, first up I want to say that Rico and I have nothing against beards. On the right people they look rather debonair (see above) and because I’m a scavenger at heart, nothing gets me more excited then the notion of digging through the hairs and coming across a stray Malteser. I’ve also got nothing against Hipsters – they tend to take up very little space when they sit next to you on the train and, aside from a slightly hempy smell, they really make excellent kindling.
My problem, though, is that they are now everywhere and all the tiny, ironic change purses that go with them drive us crazy and is it true that Hipsters with large penises have to thread them back between their legs and hold them in place with their own sphincters? I mean, the pants are just so TINY and would it kill them to add a dash of Glen 20 so I’m not wondering around in a permanent back draft of steamed ballsack?
Rico reckons the only time he ever tried to grow a face bush was when he was on the lam from the video shop for holding on to their one copy of Two Moon Junction and pretending to be a Chinese restaurant every time they rang him to get it back. And that he shaved it off because it kept shedding into his port and he had a sneaking suspicion that he just looked like a fat man half way through eating a guinea pig.
Anyhoo, because we’re here to help, not hate, we’ve compiled a few pictures for those of you considering a complete Ned Kellyfication, to help you decide whether it will be a good idea, or the most retarded thing you’ve done since drinking your sibling’s bathwater.
And so, presenting: Flawless and Rico’s To Beard or Not to Beard
You Should Definitely NOT Have a Beard if You Are:
1: Shia Labeouf
2: Daniel Radcliff
3: Good looking
4: Not good looking
or 5: Ginger
Therefore, the only reason you SHOULD have a beard is if you are:
3: Nathan James Bull
4: Mr T
5: Conchita Wurst
6: From Sparta
7: A Bear
8: Fire Beard Teeth Guy
or finally, 9: Nicole Kidman
This has been a public service announcement.
P.S – I am clearly a strawberry blonde