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Wanker of the Week: Zaachariah Fielding

13 May

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You know, a long, long time ago, Rico was a fresh young thing who hadn’t yet mastered the ten-second chug of a port yard glass and his sweetest dream in all the world was to be just like Olivia Benson from SVU and call out lying sacks of nasty crap for being lying sacks of nasty crap.

Anyhoo, those of you who tuned into The Voice last night are probably standing on your trotters shrieking that you know EXACTLY which nasty crap sack we are talking about, because not even Season One’s Rachel Leahcar could have missed the beastly display of snubbery exhibited by none other than one half of South Australian (I know, right?) duo ‘ZK’:

I mean, what can we say other than: Stone Cold Cuntery, you have a new messiah!

Anyhoo, because the eye cavities that watched the show last night were filled with actual, functional eyeballs, the internet went a little bit Solange Knowles and people started raging and demanding to know how someone could publicly shank a Minogue who wasn’t even Dannii.

What followed was a little bit of silence followed by the lying sack part of the nasty crap which went something like this:

‘Oh my gosh I love all the judges! Because of my excitement I just went straight to Ricky Martin!’

Well yes, Zaachariah, that certainly does sound plausible – except for the part where you looked little Kylie straight in the eye and then decided to bring back all those awful memories from when she was just a young, impressionable girl on Neighbours who wanted people to like her and then one day woke up in bed with Jason Donovan.

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How COULD you?

Rico reckons it’s odd that you should be such wanker because your family members all seemed really humble and like they were ACTUALLY crying, as opposed to Delta Goodrem crying, and could this be something to do with how you got the boot from X-Factor and now the Other Minogue Girl is there and you’re still so angry with that show you could happily torch the place and not spare enough piss to put out the studio cat?

And, actually, speaking of Delta Goodrem, you’d want to count your blessings that it wasn’t her looking for that hug, because that bitch had teeth in all the wrong places and she would have slapped you wigless and then turned you into a fist puppet.

We need you Delta!!!

xo Flawless

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