So is there anyone out there who isn’t happy that our sweet alcoholic fatty, Craig, took out the big prize last night? Didn’t think so – HOORAY! Not that the prize was particularly big this year and, no, I’m not counting all the cash that went to Ararat because we all know damn well that what isn’t spent on cross trainers and roadside zucchinis is going straight into the handbag of the Mayor’s brand new 22 year old trophy wife.
Speaking of trophies, it wouldn’t be finale without us dusting off some of our own and handing them out to the most worthy in a whole slew of super fun categories, because it’s never just about who loses the most weight when a crack squad of vengeful, hate-filled hair and make-up staff are on deck – amIright?
Anyhoo, let’s get down to business, starting with the winner of the Rachel Frederickson Freddy Kruger-fication award which goes to…
As you lovers would be aware, Rico and I adored Cameron from the start. The combination of tight ginger curls, dramatic turf dives and telling Shanny to keep his orange beak out of it had us at HELL, YES! And so, we really shouldn’t be surprised that he watched the US BL finale, took in Rachel Frederickson’s minimalist physique and snapped ‘Those bitches ain’t seen NOTHIN’ yet!’ before embarking on what can only have been the Ricki Lee Coulter Plan.
Either that or he got his wife to lock him in a cage and throw him a handful of sunflower seeds and a bottle of Smart Water every 24 hours. Oh the sexual possibilities!
Anyhoo, here’s a closer look:
Rico reckons he’s sad that Cam is no longer a ruddy ringletted beauty but the fact that he’s now the dead spit for Freddy Kruger AND the BFG is really exciting him, especially in light of the way his tongue got all stabby down his Katy Perry-looking wife’s throat on national television. Well played skinny Cam!
Ok, what’s next? Oh yes: the winner of the Best Metamorphosis Into a Sexy Bitch is…
Sweet mother, I never, NEVER thought Toni would be the one, what with the barrel body, the tiny teeth, the limp hamster hair – but good lord let us give credit where credit is DUE because woman is looking prettier than a goon-flavoured Pop Tart! Rico reckons this is a win for a style team who usually look at a boxy-bodied woman, shrug their shoulders and stuff them in a tube dress – because even though from a distance Toni didn’t look like she was wearing a top, she doesn’t look at all boxy, her shoulders look delicate and pretty and if Kerry doesn’t have a sharp boner poking out of his trousers then someone call 1800 NEW HUSBAND! Yay for you, Toni!
Speaking of the style team, boxy women and tube dresses, the winner of the Someone Call The Jaws of Life to Cut Me Out of This Thing Award is…
On the plus side, her hair looks rather fabulous, her make-up is super and she’s not wearing a pink hard hat. On the minus side, there’s something a touch awful about a woman who is so spanxed within an inch of her life she can barely totter down the runway and will probably end up peeing into her shoes. Rico reckons peeing in shoes is disgusting and the only time he’d consider it would be if he was in the middle of an awkward conversation with someone and needed an excuse to get back to the bar.
But let’s move on, shall we? Because the winner of Guess Who Went Straight Back to the Burgers is…
Oh, Matty. Wasn’t your ‘journey’ all about slimming down enough to thunder healthy sperm into your wife’s uterus? Did you get back to Ararat, look at all those Skip bins filled with McDonalds and decide to turn your guts into a landfill? And while we’re asking the hard questions, is it true that the real fatties in Ararat have gone underground and instead of Fight Club there’s Fuck the Biggest Loser Club and the only way in is to swallow a Whopper in five seconds while staring down a live-size cut-out of Michelle Bridges?
Ok, we digress, but all that aside, why on earth did you say ‘yes’ when the stylist asked you if you minded being given the ‘Matty Preston’? I mean, sure, your name is Matt too, but do you know how TIRED we are of seeing chubby men in cravats on Channel 10? It really does make you look like a pig in a bib – and not in a sexy way.
And while we’re on the theme of disappointment, the winner of Are You JOKING Me Biggest Let Down is…
You know, if you weren’t rooting for Katrina after she shouldered all those kilos and showed her walrus-chinned husband how to gift wrap his shit and eat it on the rower, then you were just an emotionless whore who doesn’t deserve the love of a good four-litre cask. Not that it means anything now because, pardon me for calling a spade a gardening implement, but: IS THAT IT???
Rico reckons this simply MUST be that fat bastard Spanner’s work, because there he is in the audience looking porkier than ever and that means if Katrina didn’t break her diet all by herself, he was probably mainlining her with dairy while she slept and switching her toothpaste with Flora. Anyhoo, she makes the best of it by waving only from the elbow down and managing to keep the ‘Yeah RIGHT!’ in her pants when Hayley refers to her husband’s efforts to deflate his neck mattress.
Who’s next? Oh yes: and the winner of Excellence by a Makeup Artist goes to…
That’s right, lovers, it seems Max Factor or Maybelline or lead-based roof paint IS enough to take the bloody out of Mary and turn her into a rather normal looking fatty with a husband so pleased he looks like he might literally EXPLODE into tears. Make-up aside, though, this is still Mary, and that means she’s still one heck of a porker who took one look at Cam’s food-free regime and muttered for the cashier not to skimp on the chips.
Rico reckons Mary has been a wonderful part of this year’s BL and the fact that we lost interest mid-season had absolutely ZERO to do with the fact that she couldn’t keep her tongue in her mouth and that it was always an oddly greenish shade of grey. Love you Mare!
And finally: Winner of Your Stylist Is Not Your Friend award goes to…
OMG it’s a TIE between Big Kev:
And slutty winner Robyn from 2013!
It’s painful, isn’t it? Looking at poor Big Kev over 100kg down and slapped into a pink shirt and sateen-lined jacket, I just wanted to reach out to the wardrobe person or Satan or whoever put him in that outfit and screech them a new anus. But then I caught a glimpse of poor Robyn from last year and I realised that dressing someone like Manny from Modern Family is one thing, but forcing an otherwise sexy middle aged woman to look like a lymphatically challenged Susan Powter with a pair of breasts hell bent on escaping through the vagina door, is another thing that really smells much more like ass.
Rico reckons, frankly, it serves Robyn right because she has neither stopped Moral Katie from joining the military, nor taken her rightful place on A Current Affair talking all about how King Richard promised her a life together. And, because of that, it’s natural the style team want to fug her up harder than the aforementioned’s daughter.
(Side note: they failed.)
Rico also reckons Moral Katie deserves an honourable mention for looking scrumdiddly and letting her new recruit bunkmates know EXACTLY who’ll be bringing the porterhouse steak sexiness and snagging any stray Channing Tatums.
Anyhoo, that’s it for this year, lovers, which brings us to three very important questions:
1) Will BL be back?
2) Will Michelle’s old face be back?
and most importantly:
3) Will you sad bitches be back?
Oh the suspense!