So for all my international readers (yes, all three of you) Ricki Lee Coulter is a girl who was on Australian Idol a few years ago, didn’t win, went on to join The Band That Australia Refuses To Mention
left it to launch a solo career, divorced her Beige Hornet of a husband, started rooting a personal trainer and, Voila!, turned into another coat hangerexic pop starlet (see: Arena, Tina).
Anyhoo, as you’d all be rather painfully aware, there’s a thing going around Facebook at the moment whereby stupid people are posting pictures of their au naturale faces because some uber doofus figured not enough people have heard of a little thing called Cancer and this might be the best way to break it to them.
For those of you following our FB page, (that’s right, lovers, we still haven’t cracked 200) you’d already know that this little fad has incited our scorn and summoned us out of our black mourning garb and back into the floral robes of righteous rage. And while this picture is not so much out of focus or taken with a camera whose lens was last inserted in a heavily lubed anus, it does, however, make us look at the Rickster, look at each other, and snap: Well, I guess this is us well and truly out of retirement!
You see, Ricki Lee, we know alllllllll about sucking: our blog sucks, Rico sometimes sucks port through a straw – and we suspect that, unlike your former husband, your new PT boyfriend just ADORES having an ex Young Diva (hell, YES! I just said it!) on blended forelock under the table cloth. And while we applaud your obvious talent for suction, we worry that if you pull your cheeks in any harder, they might just slip down your throat and force you to ingest some calories.
The framing is another subtle I Don’t Give a Fuck, because who wants to see anything as boring as a forehead or a hairline when we can be imagining ourselves slicing our fingers to fleshy giblets helping you put on a necklace.
Mind you, we should probably shut our bitter mouths because there’s no doubt veritable trillions of cancer patients gratefully clutching your photo and rejoicing at the bravado of a pretentious whore who can’t resist the opportunity to show that you don’t have to pay for chemo in order to reap the weight loss benefits.
Poorly, poorly played, bitch.