Oh Mary. Bloody, Bloody Mary. Didn’t you read the fine print? Didn’t you know that when you signed on the dotted line it was NEVER going to be as easy as getting eliminated? Did you really think The Biggest Loser would let you hop out of the frying pan and shuffle back to Ararat without the raging inferno of plastic surgery that is Michelle Bridges popping out from behind a trash can at the train station and screaming:
‘SURPRISE BLOODY MARYFUCKER!’
You did? Well, that was rather silly of you now wasn’t it.
For those of you who haven’t watched, it all went down exactly (we swear!) like this:
The episode starts and Big Kev is at the hospital because he felt dizzy during the treadmill challenge and this is Cam’s Cardiologist’s chance to get some more precious air time.
‘Fuck me you look like fat death on a plate!’ Dr Don’tLookTooCloseatMyCredentials brays, before immediately sending Big Kev back to the treadmill.
While this is happening, Shanny is back at the BL house checking up on gastro-patient, Natalie.
‘I feel like shit.’ She mutters from under the covers.
‘That’s FANTASTIC!’ exclaims Shanny. ‘Keep it up and we should see some super numbers come weigh-in!’
Speaking of weigh-in it’s Last Chance Training time and while Commando has his troups enjoying a little wrestling in a muddy field, Shanny’s three remaining blues, Shannon, Katrina and Bloody Mary, are engaging in a little bench-pushing free-for-all that soon has the aforementioned Mary wanting to throw in the towel.
‘I CAN’T DO IT!’ she screams, her face redder than a flayed testicle. ‘I’M DONE!’
To the cameras, Shanny complains that Mary’s drama is back and he hates this shit because any minute now she’ll start quoting King fucking Lear and insisting that the script has her taking a nap alongside a plateful of bacon,.
‘C’mon Mary,’ he cajoles while Mary demonstrates a knack for really gross mouth breathing not seen since Sandra Bullock in Gravity.
Finally, because Katrina is giving her Mafia-hitman-eyes and Shannon is on her fourth fag break, Mary gets to her feet and finishes pushing the bench to the end of the room. When she’s done, she promptly collapses on it and tells Shanny if he even THINKS about telling her to keep going, she’ll use the last of her energy to latch onto his nut sack and, like Kate Winslet in Titanic, NEVER LET GO!
Back to Big Kev in the ‘hospital’ and he’s being given the great news that there’s nothing heart-related wrong with him and that the pain he was experiencing was just a perfectly normal reaction to picturing Shaz in a swimsuit.
‘But I wasn’t!’ protests Big Kev, rather feebly, before admitting that maybe it crossed his mind for a split second but that he thought he’d undone any damage by quickly switching his thoughts to Hayley.
‘Next time think about Dakota Fanning,’ counsels the ‘doctor’. ‘How awesome is it that she’s legal now – AMIRIGHT? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!’
Back to the house and – uh oh! – it’s weigh-in time and because the blacks have got the 2kg advantage, all the pressure is on the blues to stay above the yellow line and stop making Shanny look like a pointless piece of orange Play Doh.
First up is newly released Big Kevvy who drops a respectable 5.3 and says YAY to no more blood pressure medication and FUCK NO to ever rolling on his own socks.
Following Big Kev is Lazy Shannon who claims to be ‘growing mentally and physically’ and is then naturally devasted when she has lost 1.4 kilos.
Bloody Mary’s up next and before she even steps on the scales it’s obvious that Shanny’s claims that Mary ‘got her head back together’ after her gym tantrum are LIES because there’s still the whiff of the mad dog on her and Rico reckons if Hayley says the wrong thing she might just find herself acquainted with 160-odd kilos of I’LLKILLYOU.
Anyhoo, she loses 3.2 and because she’s obviously on the edge, everyone acts like it’s 20 but Mary clearly gives not a single, exhausted fuck because she starts listing all the ways in which the scales, her so-called team, and Shanny can go impale themselves on a ginormous strap-on.
‘But look at the scales!’ implores Craig, whose alcohol-addled brain still hasn’t quite realised the danger it’s in.
‘FUCK THE SCALES!’ screams Mary, striding back to the sidelines. ‘They’re out to get me. YOU’RE ALL OUT TO GET ME!’
Next up is Natalie who gives Wild Mary a wide berth, drops 3.2 kgs and says that Gastro has shown her that exercise and diet can do only so much, and from now on she’s going to sign herself up for the Rachel Frederickson Plan.
‘OMG me TOO!’ gushes Hayley, before calling Kat up onto the scales to finish the blue run with a reasonable 3.3.
First up for the blacks is Toni who, because she’s got immunity, has spent the week picking the lint out of her vulva and therefore only drops 1.9. Next up is her equally immune husband Kerry with 2.6, agressive Cal on 3.4, Jane on 2.4 and ex-BMXer Craig with 4.4.
‘You only have 4.1 to go!’ exclaims Hayley. ‘What do you think, Commando, can they do it?’
Commando casts his eyes over the last two to weigh-in, Caitlin and Shaz, and announces that if these two manage to pull it off, he’ll get Michelle’s name tatooed on his penis at finale.
First up is Shaz who covers about a third of the necessary loss with 1.5 – and so the pressure falls on Caitlin to get at least 2.6 and therefore seal the most romantic television moment since the Rhonda and Katut sex tape.
And she… Does it! While Katrina grinds her teeth into Toni-like nubs, the girl Rico still likes to call Little Hamlin (even though Hamber has betrayed us YET AGAIN) scores 3.6, which sends the blues into a huddle and Shanny into a panic that, if these Ararat bitches knock out Big Kevin, he’ll be left with a skinny fatty, a spewer, a vengeful wife and a slacker the size of a planet.
And – oh!- it’s not looking good because into the elimination room walk in none other than Mary and Big Kevin!
‘Noooooooooooo!’ Shrieks Rico, Shanny and the rest of Australia. But wait a second, things may be ok because here’s Mary laying down a compelling tale of why she should get the boot!
‘I just fucking hate the lot of you!’ She explains. ‘Cal, you’re a wanker. Kerry, your beard smells like yeast. And Toni, mother of smashed seafood you are UGLY!’
‘Er, why do YOU need to be here Big Kevin?’ Attempts Hayley before Mary interrupts.
‘Oh, I’m not finished. Caitlin, Shaz, I just don’t care if you live to see another dawn, and Craig – every time I look at you I think of all the beer I could be drinking and that makes me so thirsty I want to Stab you. Or rip your dick off. You know? And Shannon – well, you’re just so fucking ORANGE! And you’ve always got egg white breath. And I hate egg whites – especially on your breath because, well, you’re a cunt. There, I’ve said it. I’m done.’
Into the shocked silence Hayley mutters that she guesses they better go through the motions and put pen to paper.
‘Remember, I wouldn’t piss on any of you if you were on fire’ Mary encourages warmly, and after four votes, her dreams come true and she has her wish.
Or so she thinks!
Rico says he would give anything, including the Dog, to be there when the lawyers explain that, yes, she has to be one of Hunter Tylo’s red team and, no, she can’t run because she’s too fucking fat.
Turns out this was double week after all because if this wasn’t a double yay I’m demanding a recount!
Until next time flubbers!