Hey Cal, we know we don’t really know you and you don’t really know us, but there’s something Rico and I have been thinking about that we really feel we ought to share. Are you ready for it? Ok, here goes:
TAKE THE DAMN MONEY!
Ok, right now you’re probably thinking ‘why the hell should I listen to a pair of drunks who don’t even live in the same town?’, and, I guess that’s fair, but before you just go on ahead and discount our sage advice out of hand, check out our carefully compiled list of reasons why that cash should go in your pocket and the People of Ararat should keep their fat paws OFF:
1) It’s YOUR money. Did The People of Ararat scoff down a hot dog, a large ‘cola’ (what the fuck IS cola by the way – don’t you fuckers have Coke?) and a steak sandwich? The answer is YES, because the cameras aren’t on them every second and all they need to do to lose the big total is cut their breakfast Snickers down to one the week before the weigh-in, or kill a couple of people and blame it on their rage that YOU took temptation.
2) They will get over it! Yes, yes, everyone’s telling you that if you take the money to – shock horror! – improve YOUR life over a couple of hundred freeloaders, you’ll be the Matty Newton of Ararat and you won’t even be able to walk into the local pub and order a beer without the Moral Squad dragging you out to your car and telling you YOUR MONEY’S NOT WELCOME HERE – unless it’s $30 000. Well, guess what? If the producers have their way the Town Kitty will be used to pull down the old drinking hole and replace it with a Raw Food Emporium, so chances are you’ll be sitting home watching When Fat People Attack with a six-pack anyway! And, trust us, when the cameras are gone and Ararat has gone back to the business of deep frying deep fried Mars Bars, every fatty and their dog and their dog’s meat pie breakfast will think about the money that ended up buying the Mayor a Hummer and mutter that $30 000 would have paid for one hell of a hit man.
3) Your girlfriend, fiancée, wife – whatever – WANTS YOU TO TAKE THE MONEY! Oh, don’t get me wrong, I’m sure the producers have got plenty of moving footage of said GF saying that she wants you to be a ‘team player’ and ‘support Ararat’, but make no mistake: if you come on home without it, you better enjoy the warm camaraderie of your townsfolk and hope to god one of them’s prepared to throw you a root, because without $30 000 on the night table, she sure as shit won’t be!
And, last but not least:
4) Now that you’ve taken Temptation, you’re an Eliminated Fatty Walking. It doesn’t matter if you hand over the money – or even match it with $30 000 from your own wallet – the minute Pig Hat Shaz and Fake-Crumbs-in-His-Beard Kerry realised that the sweet, sweet taste of calories had actually slipped down your throat, they were struck with the kind of jealousy that can only be quelled by seeing your fat ass on the Ararat express – and wouldn’t you rather pass the time counting your cash than worrying where on earth your next blow job is going to come from?
It doesn’t take a rocket scientist, Cal – all it takes is an unemployed fatty who prefers the sight of his wife’s boobs over the approval of a jobbed-up keg and a man whose wife has taken frumpiness and turned it into an Olympic sport.