Rico and I love our fatties. We love their fights and their struggles and their swearing and their vomiting and we love it when they get prettied up and come strutting out looking like people who don’t trample small children just to get to the buffet.
Take a look at last year’s Australian winners, Moral Katie and Robyn:
This makes us happy.
Now take a look at the dehydrated old chicken wing that took out the big prize in America last night:
For those of you who still aren’t convinced, here’s a little before and after:
And here’s what the woman herself had to say about it:
“I am extremely proud of the way I lost the weight on the show. I followed the advice and the support of the medical team on ‘The Biggest Loser’”
Rico reckons he’s so mad he can’t even swallow his port because this woman bears zero resemblance to the young, fresh looking fatty in the before photo and every resemblance to Christian Bale’s character in The Machinist – on his 75th birthday. But it’s the notion that this transformation is somehow measured or healthy that’s got the Dog writing an angry letter to NBC and us losing our usual rather fabulous sense of humor.
Let’s just make one thing perfectly straight: the ONLY way a person goes from this at make-overs:
just a few weeks later, is by cooking three healthy meals a day and feeding every damn crumb to the nearest dumpster.
This shit is not achieved through ‘healthy lifestyle’ this is the work of NOT FUCKING EATING, and trying to convince yourself that a healthy BMI is just the medical version of the Easter Bunny is an excellent suggestion if your aim in life is to fit into Size 0 – IN BABY CLOTHES.
Of course, the main reason we’re so mad is because she’s not owning up to the restrictive horrors she must have gone through and, in doing so, allowing millions of susceptible fatties and non-fatties to think that a nutritious diet and medically approved exercise regime MAKES THIS HAPPEN.
I mean, it’s a big prize – one could be forgiven for going to extremes in order to be able to quit your shitty job, travel the world, or even blow the whole lot on nubile young prostitutes. If she’d come out and said ‘ah, hell, I haven’t seen solid food since the dog threw up my neighbour’s hamster’ we’d all roll our eyes and go ‘bitch, you CRAZY’, but in the kind of good-natured way that wants to also high-five her for enduring a few weeks hell for a fat sack of cash.
And while her not owning up to it doesn’t detract from the effort involved, Rico and I find ourselves less willing to give her a high-five and more likely to slap her for joining the ranks of lying skinny bitches who would LOVE to gain weight, but then go to a restaurant and order a fucking salad.
And in case you think we’re the only ones to wonder who necromanced Karen Carpenter, here is Bob and Jillian’s reaction:
Yes, yes, we know this is American Biggest Loser but, honestly, when Rico and I saw this we realised it was our DUTY to call her out as a lying whore and make sure not one of our dear ones takes a look at this creature and thinks ‘hey, why can’t I look like that?’
I mean, you CAN, but wouldn’t it be nicer to just be normal old slim and have a head that doesn’t look like it’s had all the fluids sucked out of it by a giant spider?