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MKR Instant Restaurant 4: Twins Can COOK! (Deb Still a Sexy Bitch)

3 Feb

MKR Instant Restaurant 4:  Twins Can Cook; Deb Still Sexy

Welcome to Instant Restaurant number 4, or as WA’s Chloe and Kelly experienced it: The Night of OH YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!

That’s right, lovers, it was the turn of the self-professed Pretty Twins and instead of pulling out some Maggi noodles and then getting slutty drunk on half a bottle of Galliano, they ended up cooking the living SHIT out of all the other teams and leaving all hard core stripper action to Deb!

Rico reckons it was a fun night all round – and not just because Chloe’s mouth shrank to the size of a novelty anus – because the food was good, the company was in high spirits and who the hell needs a lap-dance from Beyonce when Sexy Deb is in the mood and ready to GRIND!

But let’s start at the beginning, shall we? The day dawns and Blonde Twin and Brown Twin are just BESIDE themselves because ‘today is like our wedding day’ and all that’s left is to decide which one gets stuck with Manu.

Brown Twin reckons it makes sense that she gets Petey because he’s thin, she’s thin and Manu is built like a square of butter who just happened to swallow a hamster. Blonde twin mutters that she shouldn’t be punished for having the fucky thyroid and why not leave it up to Petey to decide, because, let’s face it, Cameron Diaz is blonde and has bad skin and JT didn’t exactly kick her out of bed and holler for a HAZMAT team!

Moving on, though, because it’s shopping time and the girls are on the hunt for the elusive Hapuku fish and, because they’re functioning on a single brain, haven’t figured out it’s important to check whether the shop is open. Naturally, it isn’t, and the girls hit the phones until, finally, a shop keeper outer Mongolia breaks the fab news that she’s got what they want.

‘Yay!’ they trill, gunning the engine and setting off on a scenic road-trip that gets them their fish but, unfortunately, dumps them at home well into their prep time. Not that that’s such a big deal, though, because our talented twosome are going with a ‘rustic Greek’ theme which basically means a white table, a couple of olives and the vague sense that someone close by has farted.

Cooking begins and with it the terrible news that these two are hacking up some of their grandmother’s ‘family recipes’. Naturally, this revelation sends Rico into a Melina and Angela-reminiscence spiral, which only ends when the dog tries to sneak a gulp out of his claret.

First up from the family cache is some sort of squid sandwich and Blonde twin wastes no time getting elbow deep and proving to all and sundry that, should she end up marrying Manu, his sexual needs would be more than satisfied. Brown twin gets busy with the bread and, from there, the semolina cake they’re planning for dessert, but this is where the problems start because the shit isn’t rising and the single brain has thoughtfully provided only enough semolina for one more try.

Before they can do anything about it though, it’s time for a lengthy trip upstairs to discard x-amount of shapeless floral dresses before deciding on the EXACT shapeless floral dresses that will make Petey rebound off his own erection and Manu wish he’d worn a tighter set of Spanx.

‘It’s important we look hot!’ they gush, and Rico shares a dark look with the dog and mutters that ‘hot’ wouldn’t be the word he’d use and to ask him again when he’s switched to harder liquor and has forgotten that the dog is a minor.

Moving on, though, because here come the guests, closely followed by Pete and Manu.

In the short tussle that follows, Pete loses his quiff and Blonde twin gets her fist caught in Brown twin’s mouth, which causes poor, slighted Manu to act like a temporary medic. The producers, seeing his dissatisfaction, mobilise quickly and in seconds Sexy Deb has her instructions and is bearing down on Manu like a lust-filled Mac Truck.

But it’s time to finish the entree, so back to the kitchen they go to rebatter the squid, bicker about plating, and rechristen the judges ‘Peen and Manu’.

Out it comes and there’s much on-sight judgement around the table from Rick, who thinks hacking up squid into itty bitty bits sucks balls, and Kelly, who is just upset that it hasn’t come out smoking and poking out of a bin lid.

As the judges taste, Blonde twin worries that Manu’s jaws are working overtime – and that this could mean the squid is over-cooked!

‘Hmmuuuaaarrrrahhhhallllullallaaa!’ exclaims Manu (because supposedly that’s a word and supposedly it means something) while Skinny Pete reckons he’d eat it for ‘breakfast, lunch and dinner’ if he could just find a way of replacing the squid with Kale and the bread with a photo of him looking fat and miserable.

Around the table and there’s a lot of love from everyone and even Kelly has to admit it tastes nice, even if it’s so garlicky she could swear there’s a hairy Italian crouching in her throat. Chloe agrees and to the cameras they express their hopes that the girls ‘stuff up the main’ and, in the process, die.

Back in the kitchen and it’s all about that precious fucking fish and Brown twin is feeling so confident that the notion of different portion sizes and the potential for overcooking the little ones means SWEET FUCK ALL!

Back in the dining room and the talk is also on the fish because – shock horror – not even Kelly and Chloe have eaten it, though Kelly does take the time to point out that she COULD have, but she just didn’t WANT to, because apparently it’s like ordering Kelly Osbourne for $200 when you can get Courtney Stodden for $1.99.

‘The FUCK?’ mutter the Wiggle boys to each other, while Deb rolls her sexy eyes, snaps at the piano man to give her something to work with, and goes back to frisking Manu’s jacket for nipples.

‘Something to work with’ turns out to be Come on Baby Light My Fire and Sexy Deb performs with so much raw sensuality and scorching erotica that Pete is panting into his side-plate and Manu has given up all pretence that he’s just fishing around for his napkin.

Others enjoying the show include Paul and Blair and Andrew and Emelia, while the bumpkins just look shocked and Kelly looks furious that Deb’s classic beauty and flawless moves have her looking about as sexy as a box trailer filled to the brim with busted IKEA.

But it’s main time and no sooner has Pete dug in than he’s pulling out and gushing that if the producers really want him to wait to make sweet love to sexy Deb, then this fish makes a super moist replacement! Manu, unfortunately, disagrees, and says that if he really wanted Deb, he’d ‘dem well ‘ave ‘er’ and that he’d bet his last frog that she’d be a lot easier to get his face around!

‘And what is ‘dis?’ he complains, holding up what is clearly a piece of olive pip, and which has Kelly so excited she forgets for a moment that her ‘fish is overcooked’ and ‘the skin is all slimy’ and chows down so hard that even Chloe gives her a side-eye and mutters ‘slow down, bitch!’

Back to the kitchen and it’s time for the final course and to see whether Grandma’s cake is going to rise or be just as obstinate as the old bitch on her deathbed.

While they wait, there’s ‘spiced mascarpone’ to make, which basically involves taking a whole heap of jars, sniffing suspiciously at their contents, and then dumping them in lids and all. It’s also time to once again bemoan the lack of clementine and cross their fingers that, when the judges figure out they’ve switched to orange, they take out the bulk of their rage on Coles, its fourteen year old staff members, and the fuckwits who told them they had to shop there.

Out in the dining room and Kelly is regaling the enthralled room with an impromptu performance of Why I Don’t Enjoy a Citrussy Dessert and Rico is so impressed he regards his Fruity Lexia with narrowed eyes and grumbles that the next time the dog comes back from the bottleshop, he’ll be checking its purchases.

Back in the kitchen and the twins are ecstatic because the cake has risen and and Manu hasn’t come sliding into the kitchen looking for a ‘Shirley Valentine’. Quickly they plate, deliver to the table, confess about the citrus imposter and watch while Petey inhales it so fast he gets pistaccio-stache and Manu ‘accidentally’ drops the stickiest piece into his trousers ‘for later’.

The other diners are equally impressed and even though Kelly wants to hate it with the passion she usually reserves for Jennifer Aniston and English people who smile with their mouths open, she admits it’s ‘orright’ and spends the rest of the session telling Rick to shut his fat mouth and willing Andrew and Emelia to vote with their knives and not their excitable, hippy half-brains.

Scoring time comes around and it’s a chorus of eights, with the exception of Sexy Deb who is still so flush with the triumph of her one-nanna pole show, she gives out a nine. With a guest total of 41, it comes down to the judges who throw out a flurry of tens and nines – as well as a single six from Manu, who is still working through his disgruntlement at Pete getting referred to as ‘the looker’.

With a total of 95, Petey announces that theirs is the ‘tied best score ever in MKR history’ – and that means yank out the glitter balls and the leather-vested muscle boys because it’s time to PAR-TAY! Manu briefly lights up at the notion, before remembering that he now has a fiancée at home who has probably left him something gross in the oven and wants to spend the next 6 hours prodding him in the side with Vogue Bridal and complaining about the size of her engagement ring.

Until next time lovers!

xo Flawless

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