That’s right, lovers. Rico and I did a bad, bad thing.
You know, sometimes 7.30 rolls around in our house and we go: ‘Fuck it! If we have to watch Manu shovelling another pie in his froggy hole we’ll turn to 90% proof stone – let’s watch those drunk elephants again on YouTube!’. What usually happens after that is we get bored of the drunk elephants, move on to those people who pop zits for a living and eventually wind up watching it on the Channel 7 website, which sometimes fucks us over with pixelation and delay issues, but who cares when we’re already 50 000 sheets to the wind?
Anyhoo, last night after our fifth attempt at watching the damn thing online, Rico and I gave up and spent the night bickering over whether Carrie Bickmore can possibly be a worse So You Think You Can Dance host than Nat Bass (I say NO, Rico says YES).
And all was well and good until I sat up bolt upright in bed and realised that some of you lovers are so addicted to these updates you’re probably in second-stage cold turkey right about now and I’d hate to be responsible for you opening up your scabs or making a mess on your sheets and, so, here’s a recap of what Paul and Blair SHOULD have done, if the producers weren’t such a bunch of Kirk Camerons!
MKR Instant Restaurant 3: Pete and Manu Say Two Fists Up!
So the last time we saw our matching PE teachers from NSW they were trussed up in matching safari suits and playing Wiggle footsie under Andrew and Emelia’s table. Cut to today and the focus is on them, because it’s Bondi Instant Restaurant time and our boys are hitting the shops!
First stop is Bunnings where Paul lingers to make creepy comments to the junior sales staff while Blair fills up a jumbo shopping cart with cable ties, gaffa tape and one of those cactuses that looks like a penis. From there it’s straight to Triple XXX for anal beads, curry-flavoured lubricant and and one of those Real Dolls that looks like Justin Bieber, because they wore the last one out on their recent trip to Bali. And then, because they’re actually expected to serve something with a calorie content, it’s off to good old Coles where Blair gets stressed over the size of the sausages and Paul gets into a fight with the deli assistant for telling him ticket number 69 is already taken.
Back to the house and it’s set-up time and our dashing duo waste no time rubber-coating the walls, lighting anus-scented candles and and making sure the carpet is stubbly enough to produce a suitable burn. To the cameras Paul gushes that the name of their Instant Restaurant was going to be Paul and Blair’s Restaurant, but then they changed their mind and ended up going with The Fisting Mitten.
Prep time starts and the boys hit the kitchen to debone the quail and try and fashion it into the shape of a heavily pounded vagina. Blair worries that he’s out of his depth, because the last time he gave his wife a pounding he woke up and it was just the couch cushions. Paul reckons he needs to stop whinging because they made a deal to only attempt sex with their spouses on honeymoons, Tom Cruise’s birthday and the end of the world.
But what’s this? That’s right, lovers, the other guests have arrived! Up the path they march and while bumpkins Annie and Jason look a little flustered by the sight of the bright red door and the fishpond filled with blood, sexy Deb looks thrilled and whispers to balding Rick that THIS is the Instant Restaurant she’s been waiting for because now she won’t have to pretend she doesn’t get off on the sound of freshly choked turkey!
Inside they go and while Andrew and Emelia trill that this is ‘awesome’, Kelly starts yabbering that restaurants in London wouldn’t be caught DEAD without handcuffs and waiters who take your order and then feltch you within an inch of your life.
Cue the arrival of Pete and Manu who take in the sadomasochistic spectacle with poker faces, while attempting to position themselves as far away from sexy Deb as possible.
‘Wal!’ says Manu to the table at large. ‘Dis should be vureh interesteeeng!’
Out comes the entree and – SUCCESS! – the quail does indeed resemble pounded vagina! Also of note is that Blair’s gimp mask fits him perfectly and that Paul is completely naked. Both Pete and Manu exchange an impressed look and dive in using the forceps provided.
‘Eees like ahm actually eating a vagina!’ squeals Manu, while Petey agrees and adds that he’s been less interested in women’s bits since he lost all the weight and started getting his teeth whitened, but that a dish like this is enough to reel him back in!
Around the table the comments are similar, with Jason forgoing his utensils in order to bury his face in and attempt to find the clitoris. Kelly, typically, thinks the poultry vaginas of Paris and Siberia are TOTES superior but that she’ll give the boys credit for not attempting to serve it with a red sauce.
Back to the kitchen they go to work on their main course of the night: Indonesian Chicken Surprise. Immediately they start sniggering because the ‘suprise’ of the dish is that this time they’re going to shape it into a penis!
Meanwhile, back in the dining room, talk has turned to Paul’s testicles and whether he was born with that length, or whether the weight of Blair hanging off them has turned him into a scrotal Inspector Gadget. Kelly, naturally, has a story about this time she went to a Michelin Star restaurant in whereverthefuck, but just when she gets to the bit about 20 inches of pure nut sack – out comes the main!
This time Blair is naked and Paul is wearing his rubber suit that he’s jizzed up by stitching on a tail and cloven hooves.
Once again the judges tuck in with gusto and Manu demonstrates a technique that has Deb making notes and Rick looking desperately for an escape route. Around the table and Brunette Twin is once again complaining that Blonde Twin has got a ‘small one’, while Jason wonders if Annie would object to his making a penis out of labneh, and filling her with a bechemel sauce.
Back to the kitchen they go and Blair gets busy with the chocolate dessert while Paul adds salt to the caramel the old fashioned way. For this final course they’ve decided to dress in only a string tied around each penis, and Blair says that wang asphyxiation is so hot he’s not sure he’ll get through the final judgement without blowing all over the table.
Out they go and everyone loves the caramel, with the exception of Andrew who says it reminds him of his ex-girlfriend’s douching lotion – or at least that’s what she said it was.
When judging time arrives, most of the teams go with sixes and sevens, with the exception of sexy Deb who gives them a fifty MILLION. Pete reckons this SUCKS because he’s only allowed to give out a ten, and if he’d known what was in his MKR future those last bitches would have gotten a zero.
And that’s what REALLY happened!
Ps – we’re really sorry