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Santa Speaks Out on Gosling/Mendes Split

19 Dec

Santa Threatens Christmas Strike 'If Bitches Don't Stop Asking For a Ryan Fucking Gosling'

In the wake of revelations that the two-year romance of Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes might just be kaput, Christmas King himself, Santa, has come forward to stake his claim on The Notebook‘s most famous piece of ass.

Speaking via Skype from his North Pole showroom, Santa had some strong words for anyone planning to put Gosling on their Christmas List.

‘What, you clean your room one day in an entire YEAR and you think that qualifies you for a night with my man? Bitch, I don’t THINK so!’

But that’s not all, according to Rudolph’s lord and master, Gosling is actually one of his own creations.

‘You know, things get a bit dull after Christmas and this one year Mrs Claus had stacked on about 50 kay gees of Jabba and I just turned to one of my helpers and said ‘for the love of sweet shit on a stick, bring me something I can stick my dick into!’ And he did!’

According to Santa, Gosling only left the workshop to pursue an acting career after Mrs Claus held a box cutter to Blitzen’s throat and made it clear that either he left, or Santa would have no choice but to saddle his own fat ass for the Christmas Eve drop.

Gosling, of course, went on to a highly successful acting career and a liaison with Notebook co-star, Rachel McAdams that fans around the globe hoped would lead to marriage.

According to Santa, even Mrs Claus approved of McAdams, but when the two split and Gosling later moved onto Mendes, she started to regret her earlier harsh treatment.

‘She felt like she’d caused him psychological trauma – why else would he go from Rachel to a cut-price Cindy Crawford without a neck?’

Friends of the potentially split couple claim that Mrs Claus might not be far off the mark, with Gosling reported to suffer from frequent Christmas-themed nightmares.

‘Eva never understood. One year she ‘surprised’ Ryan with a slutty Rudolph costume and then freaked out when he yakked all over the turkey! Frankly that was the beginning of the end.’

xo Flawless

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