In news bound to make 1D fans around the globe clutch their Barbie dolls and spit out their fairy bread, Zayn Malik is reported to be ‘clinging to his designer man-bag’ after a shocking assault at the hands of his very own bodyguard.
According to witnesses, One Direction were mobbed by a pack of squealing toddlers on arrival at JFK airport, causing the band’s protectors to break out the nunchucks and carve a bloody path to the nearest brothel. In the midst of the grim melee that followed, the as-yet unidentified bodyguard allegedly pushed Malik to the floor and proceeded to Turkey Slap him into next year
The bodyguard in question, pictured above, was unavailable for comment, but sources say he is claiming the Oscar Pistorius Defense, otherwise known as: ‘but I didn’t know it was hiiiiiiim!’
Management for the ever-popular boy-band are frantically trying to smooth over the incident in the lead-up to upcoming American concerts, with promoters terrified the incident will lead to copy-cat attacks and inappropriate re-enactments using lunchmeat.
According to police, it is not yet known whether the bodyguard in question will be charged, and rumours circulate over the possibility that he may just get away with a slap on the wrist and, if he does, it will certainly be a slap in the face.
Rico reckons there’s only two things we need to know about the alleged attacker:
1) He’s a redhead.
2) The blind fuckstick missed Harry Styles.