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The Bachelor Final Rose Drunken Recap Spectacular

22 Nov

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So after X amount of weeks and GROSS amount of questionably attractive ladies with god knows how many miles on the clock (I’m talking about YOU, Natalie), tonight’s the night where Timmy fulfills his contractual obligations and chooses one woman to – well – presumably have actual intercourse with, but in reality who only knows?

Rico reckons I’m dreaming and regardless of Tim’s eventual choice he’ll be keeping his dick firmly in his pants until the appropriately cashed up elderly lady appears to slide a crisp fifty into his G-string. But then again, Rico’s always been a dead, set romantic.

Anyhoo, let’s get down to it! And – ooh! – Channel 10 have really peeled wide the lips on the old station wallet because not only have they shipped Timmy and his final two fillies to Thailand, but they’ve also allowed his family to cram themselves into the cargo hold and take up judging residence in what looks like the hotel lobby! They’re there, of course, because this is the moment when Rochelle and Anna have to slap on the greasepaint and pretend that a three-hour bend over at the hands of Timmy’s mother is EXACTLY what they wanted in their Christmas stocking.

First up for a grilling is Rochelle who has chosen this moment to show her affection for cheap, shapeless fabrics that make her look like the pregnant receptionist at a bulk-billing medical clinic. Up jump the family and Timmy’s white-haired chubster of a father jovially tells the cameras that Timmy is ‘punching above his weight’ even though he has no idea what her tits look like under that dress.

Timmy has his face in the fixed grimace of a man with his eyes firmly on the dotted line while Rochelle gushes about how wonderful it is to RELAX and let her muffin top gush over the elastic of her control top granny pants. Meanwhile, Timmy’s mum and sister are nodding and smiling and Rico mutters that if their disapproval was any more obvious it would be sitting next to them on the couch in a knee cast calling itself Ali.

Speaking of Ali, she hasn’t managed to appear at the window and start shrieking for a second chance and that means it’s time for Timmy’s mum to take Rochelle into a private room and administer a good old fashioned fisting.

To her credit, Rochelle goes quietly and it’s only when Timmy’s mum gets up to the wrist that she utters her first squeak and glances pleadingly towards the lubricant. For some reason Timmy’s mum obliges which gives Rochelle the opportunity to start gushing about how HAPPY Tim makes even though she’s got an emotional barrier the size of The Titanic’s least favourite iceberg.

To the cameras, Timmy’s mum snaps that Rochelle is a bit too guarded to suit her slutty tastes and can’t she see that this is her big opportunity to declare her love for a man who obviously has ZERO interest in her?

Back in the room and Rochelle has picked up on the fact that Timmy’s ma is taking her temperature and finding it hard to get a reading above ‘frigid’, and that now might be the time to lay her cards on the table.

‘I just want you to know,’ she says, ‘that I’m ready for whatever Tim wants to do with me.’ Mummy nods approvingly and they share a hug and Rochelle crows to the cameras she meant every word but that if Timmy wants a Fruit n’ Vege show, he’ll be picking up the bill at the Asian grocer.

Next up is Anna and, unlike Rochelle, she’s wearing a rather flattering blue dress and has foregone her favourite shade of tangerine lipstick. In she comes and both Timmy’s father and little brother look remarkably more excited than they did for Rochelle, and Timmy’s father wastes no time telling the cameras that Anna is ‘gorgeous’ and if it wasn’t for that nosey old bitch he’s married to, Timmy wouldn’t be the only Robards getting his end away.

Speaking of ends, Timmy’s mum is doing her best to let Anna know she’s going to win by gushing that Timmy can’t even TALK about her without cracking a fat so hard it busts out of his Country Roads. Anna giggles but before she can determine the exact girth, Timmy’s mum has reached into her bag of Sixty Minutes and pulled out the first of her questions, which happens to be whether or not her parents arrived in Australia via legal channels.

Rico rolls his eyes and mutters that, despite being Hungarian, Anna looks about as exotic as a bowl of Cornflakes and that this is probably just paving the way for Timmy to bust out a dad joke about being ‘hungry’. Before he can, however, it’s time for Timmy’s mum to get regreased and take Anna off for some one-on-one.

Because it’s clear that she actually LIKES Anna, Timmy’s mum pulls no punches and gets right in there up to the elbow. Anna squeals like a spiked pig but manages to answer most of the questions, which centre upon why she’s never embarrassed her parents by bringing home the entire high school football team.

‘I’ve just never met anyone I valued enough to be Boston Legal-ed by my alcoholic daddy!’ Confesses nervous Anna, before admitting that now Timmy has faced down her father’s claret breath she can’t see her life without him, which makes things a tad awkward considering there’s still that pouty little slut in the other chalet.

The next day dawns and Timmy is full of fresh fuckity about how ‘I still don’t know where my heart lies’. Rico sprays out some of Anna’s father’s best liver thriller and snaps that Tim doesn’t have a heart because when poor Penny told the incredibly moving story of her sweet cat’s epilepsy that cold bastard’s eyes were dryer than the fucking Sahara!

Anyhoo, the first of last dates goes to Anna and, as usual, Timmy is taking the credit for organising a special date in the waters of Thailand. Somewhere in his one-star accomodation, Osher Ginsberg is waving his tiny fists and shrieking that Timmy couldn’t organise a spew on a rollercoaster and that the only one with the cranial GENIUS to find a boat called the Pornphinyo is HIM goddamnit!

Rico reckons the name was super amazing but that he deserves extra points for transferring them to a Chinese ‘junk’ boat because if that wasn’t Mr G’s gentle way of taking out the trash, he doesn’t know what is.

Anyhoo, Anna is full of gushery and together they simper over the prospect of a deserted island and what they would bring – which Timmy promptly ruins when he gets misty-eyed over his favourite BBQ utensils and all the perverse ways he can inflict them upon Anna.

They also do a bit of jawing about Timmy’s mum and how Anna’s asshole is still the width of a middle-aged woman’s forearm. Timmy is less than sympathetic, though, and keeps pushing Anna to drop the L-bomb. Anna, however, is no mad-dog Ali and Timmy is left to whinge to the cameras that spitting coconut milk in her eye just feels so TACKY if love isn’t involved and, anyway, now’s the time for Anna to lay her cards on the table.

Rico leaps up from his seat and shrieks: ‘Where’s your deck, bitch?!’, because we all know what will happen when and if Anna lays down the L-Word and, no, he’s not talking about Ali leaping out from the bushes and performing a tooth dance on Anna’s throat.

Anyhoo, after a bit more swimming and fondling, they both retreat to make-up for the final part of their date: dinner! Again, Tim takes the credit – this time for a troupe of fire-dancing Thais who all look like they are carrying about nine months worth of Bintang in the gut region. Anna is ‘touched’ and in return gives him a little box filled, she says, with ‘reasons why I love you.’ Naturally they are all about his six-pack, except for the one which says ‘because you know my eyes change colour’ and Rico hisses that that’s what everyone says when they have no fucking idea and maybe Anna could help him out with that by opening her damn eyes every once in a while!

Finally she gets to the end, though, and Timmy is looking expectant. Unfortunately for Timmy the best he’s going to get is ‘I’m falling in love with you’ and while Ali cackles from her padded cell, Timmy is forced to stiffen his spine and snap that that’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to him since that time he passed out in his own vomit in a stranger’s car.

Moving on and it’s time for the very last date of them all: Rochelle’s! And there she is down by the pool and, according to the lady herself, she’s ready to ‘release it all and tell him how she feels’. Rico reckons the only thing that keeps him from turning off the television is the fact that Rochelle has left her polyester clinic outfit in her suitcase and that no matter how horribly awkward this date becomes, at least we won’t have to watch Timmy fake passion with a woman dressed like Kathy Bates’ older, dowdier sister.

In comes Timmy and – what’s this? – he’s pulling something out of his pocket that could be an engagement ring but turns out to just be another bloody blindfold. Off they lurch through the jungle and Rico reckons the only thing that could salvage this situation is if their jaunt ends at a refrigerator and a script for Nine and a Half Weeks. Unfortunately for Rico, but fortunately for Rochelle, it’s something a little different. Timmy reckons because Rochelle is an ‘animal lover’ he’s fixed her up on a dream date with a 50 tonne elephant so that he can take a break and hang out at the cabana with some of the underage lady boys. Just as Timmy’s about to take his leave though, another elephant lurches out of the jungle, this one equipped with a gigantic saddle built for two, and he’s forced to clamber up and grit his teeth while Rochelle gushes into his neck that she’d totally blow him if his breath didn’t still stink like Anna.

Down to a jungle pool they go because apparently there’s some ritual where Thai women throw themselves backwards into the water rather than face up to one more night ironing their husband’s underpants. Because Timmy is a romantic and getting one HELL of a pay packet, he wants to do it too and Rochelle is forced to make the best of the situation and wax lyrical about how Timmy held her hand while the Thai water did a total HATCHET job on her fucking foundation.

When they surface there’s some completely chemistry-less cuddling culminating in Rochelle’s signature kissing style in which her neck vanishes into her body and every man in Australia loses his erection.

Off to dinner and Tim can hardly contain his glee at the thought of only one more night locked onto the turtle-pash express. As they snuggle on the cushions, Rochelle simpers that she never thought she would get past the first rose ceremony and Tim mutters ‘tell me about it, you were going down with blackie and that Asian bitch but then Andrew G slipped me a damn note and I had to throw my shit into reverse!’ He then recovers enough to spray around some crap about Rochelle being like an onion because her aftertaste makes him cry and the thought of peeling her clothes off makes his balls shoot back up into his groin cavity.

The date ends with some kissing in which Timmy’s lips are pressed together tighter than Rico’s fist on a bottle neck and Rico reckons if Rochelle is harbouring ANY thoughts that she may be in with a chance, she’s obviously waaaaaay drunker than even he is.

Meanwhile, the cameras are on Timmy because this is his big chance to prove to the world that he’s not just a cut-price gigolo with a wardrobe full of sailor outfits, but a potential Logie winner with the face for Home and Away and the body for some to-make-ends-meet Gay Porn!

Anyhoo, cut to the next morning and Timmy is splayed out on his sun-lounger because apparently he’s finally made up his mind. This is the point where the producers give us some lovely flashbacks of both Anna and Rochelle at their tongue-down-throat best and Rico reckons if Timmy really was torn between the desires of his heart, then all he’d really need to do is watch this footage and remember that bad kissers very rarely give better blow jobs.

Over to the girls and there’s Anna talking about how she never expected to fall in love with a sex worker while her dad was still in possession of his life and his shotgun, and Rochelle yabbering on about their ‘special bond’ and how they ‘go to each other for comfort’ and how if he has the sacks to choose Anna she might just team up with Ali and go halves in a set of steak knives and a rabbit-sized pot.

But what on earth is this? Tim has taken a shaver to his face and Rico reckons he’s picked a hell of a moment to let Anna and Rochelle know that he was born without a top lip and was probably known more for his zits than his abdominals in high school. He’s also wearing about twelve layers of foundation and Rico mutters this could go very, very badly if Rochelle is the first cab off the rank and nobody thought to pack a spare Chux.

Speaking of Rochelle, here she comes in a floor-length peachy dress and so much make-up it’s really going to be a MAC bath if Timmy tells her she’s the one.

He doesn’t, of course, and while Rochelle blows into her invisible paper bag, Timmy tells a lovely story about their ‘journey’ and how he’s so glad it’s over he can barely keep his middle fingers from bursting out of his pockets.

For a woman who once seemed so keen for love, however, Rochelle now seems rather keen to leave and Rico speculates that Timmy’s newly shaven face is probably a lot worse in real life and that Rochelle’s first appointment might just be with with the words ‘thank FUCK for that!’.

In the limo on the way to Rejectville, though, she finds the strength to be pissed that Timmy let her give him three full courses of her neckless best in Thailand when Anna was his pick all along.

And speaking of, here she is, and unlike Rochelle she’s got the flattering lighting of sunset and even Tim’s 12 inches of Max Factor could reasonably be mistaken for decent genes. Right away he compliments her smile and tells her that every day with her is like his birthday and birthdays at his house meant lots of nakedness so why not continue that tradition on national television? Before poor confused Anna can ask what the hell that means, Timmy blurts out that he’s got a boner a mile long and that it’s got her name on it and in case she needs any extra clues that means I LOVE YOU!

What follows is a lot of smooching and the presentation of the ring that Tim suggests represents their ‘journey’ and misses her wedding finger by about an inch.

‘That’s the anal sex finger!’ shrieks Rico through a mouthful of cooking sherry, while Tim tells Anna that he’s ‘finished dating other women’ – with the obvious exception of paying customers. To the cameras, though, Tim gushes that he feels like a Rochelle-sized weight has been lifted off his shoulders and that it’s so awesome to finally be able to take a deep breath because that bitch STANK!

After a LOT more kissing and muttering, the show ends with a preview of the After The Final Rose show and Rico mutters that now that this mess is done, the only thing worth tuning in for would be Ali taking to the stage with her own version of Alanis Morissette’s You Oughta Know, and a guest appearance by Penny’s cat.

Viva la romance lovers!

xo Flawless

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