Yes, yes, yes – I KNOW he’s cuter than a baby seal wearing a onesie, but sweet mother of ear-fisting spectaculars, someone put an APB out on my ears before they check themselves off a cliff-face!
Rico, who enjoyed last night’s proceedings with a goon-stained thumb jammed in each ear hole, reckons that Jai’s performance was the moment last year’s Shiane has been waiting for, because now when someone Googles ‘X-Factor Australia KILL ME NOW’, her name might not be at the top of the hit list!
Anyhoo, Top Four it was and that meant two songs apiece and because one song had to be about ‘passion’ and the other about ‘power’, that meant the judges had a nice long length of Whitney Houston and Phil Collins-flavoured rope to shove down their respective contestants’ throats.
Let’s start with Dami Im! Dami belongs to Danniiii and maybe it was because that affected little Skelewhore, Tina Arena, was in the house because Danniiii seemed to be remembering the good old days of YTT power ballads and thinking that this might be a good time to throw Dami a jack of a song choice and fix her up with Vince!
Yes, you guessed it: Dami got the Whitney. And not just that: she also got to flaunt some Bodyguard tiara-wear that did nothing to disguise the fact that she still has the most ginormous head this side of Easter Island. Giant head or not, she didn’t miss a note, and when it was done Rico turned to me and muttered that if Whitney wasn’t busy sucking on her crack pipe and bitching about receipts in the afterlife, she’d probably want to slap this bitch for laying down the big notes without even breaking a sweat.
Next on the Dami agenda, however, was that Miley Cyrus weepathon, Wrecking Ball, and PASS ME THE DAMN CRACK PIPE WHITNEY if that wasn’t dastardly Danniiii’s gentle way of reminding us what should happen if we don’t vote – presumably at the hands of Dami’s giant head.
Rico reckons the only safe place to watch that performance was behind about twenty feet of steel plating, but that not even that would keep him safe from her over-enunciation and since when does Dami sing like she’s got a mouthful of Corgi?
Moving on to Third Degree and, even though they will doubtless once again grace the Bottom Two through a combination of everyone hating Nat Bass and Jordan still not cutting off that damn rat’s tail, they were by far the most consistent of the night, with Kelebek taking on Nicky Minaj and proving that you don’t have to a have a face full of latex and an ass with it’s own gravitational pull to lay down a decent rap.
Less consistent was Taylor, because Ronan was on another one of his bad jukebox trips which usually end up with him with his pants down around his ankles crying outside Molly Ringwald’s house.
Yes, poor Taylor was saddled with Phil Collins – and if that wasn’t bad enough, they also treated us to a little pre-song montage of Taylor’s ‘bad attitude’.
Rico reckons anyone who gets the news that they are about to sing Phil Collins on national television and DOESN’T give their throat rise to a thousand F-words is a fake piece of lying trash and that the man himself probably sits in his dressing room wishing he’d teamed up with Marilyn Manson when he had the chance.
Anyhoo, it’s frightful and awkward and Taylor’s terror comes either from worrying about forgetting the words, or worrying that they’ll be burned into his brain until the day he dies. The judges are cautious, with the exception of Ronan, who is so far off his face he probably thinks he’s at a Wiggles concert.
Thankfully for Taylor, his next song is better, because even though it was birthed out of the same busted 80s jukebox, there’s a bit of banjo action and Taylor’s got his guitar and he doesn’t sing the song looking like he’s in a stare-off with an invisible penis. The judges go mental, as does the crowd, but they still harp on a little too much about Taylor’s attitude, which causes Rico to fret that, what with Dami’s head sympathisers, Third Degree’s underdog status, and Jai’s – well – Jai’s legion of aurally oblivious tweeny girls and grandmothers, this might just be setting the stage for the upset of the season!
Which leads us to teeny Jai himself and the spectacle that shall henceforth be known as ‘Squeakgate’ and which is essentially what happens when you thrust a child in front of a television camera and expect him to perform anything other than Six White Boomers in an elf costume.
Rico reckons his forgetting the words was only half the problem because his voice sounded like his balls had just shot a further five inches back into his body and slammed into a descending vagina, and if Nicky Webster taught us anything it’s that Playboy is going to snap him up once he gets enough titty to fill a trainer bra.
Anyhoo, because he’s teeny tiny the judges deliver the bad news with their prison shanks in their holsters and reassure him that, even though he delivered the singing equivalent of unsolicited anal sex, he still has a second song to redeem himself.
Which is where things went from bad to Sweet-Jesus-did-Red-Foo-Just-call-Jai-Vaginamite?
Rico reckons it’s totes typical that Foo would resort to this kind of name-calling because he still hasn’t gotten over the fact that Jai is a boy in name only and should have been on his girl team.
Anyhoo, the song is best described as ‘up tempo’ and worst described using words that would make Rico’s grandmother slam down her pint glass and bellow for her shotgun. Rico reckons, and I agree, that watching Jai perform Dynamite is worse than swallowing dynamite, because the latter would at least kill you and put you out of your misery.
The judges, of course, crank out one hell of a sympathy standing O that has even tiny Jai rolling his eyes and muttering ‘bitches be serious?!‘ and Rico snaps that if they are going to let a child compete as an adult then at least let him drink as an adult when he gets off stage because, hot Christ!, he’s going to need it!
So who will be in the Bottom 2? My money is on Third Degree and Taylor being in the Bottom 2, with Third Degree going home, and that a million cougar tears will transform into the dollars necessary to send teeny Jai straight to the Grand Final.
Rico agrees but says that to put it in words is to tempt the wrath of the Gods, and the last time the Gods were angry with him he woke up with a wedding ring and his face in the dog’s water.