Well hel-lo sailor! Rico reckons the above photo is the perfect portrayal of a healthy young sailor with an unhealthy obsession for cheese flavoured Twisties and that if Bachelor Timmy doesn’t succeed in finding the woman of his dreams, then it certainly wasn’t for lack of teeth whitening.
Anyhoo, it was an interesting old episode of The Bachelor with farm-loving Timmy once again throwing hook-nosed Penny a matching set of face-slaps by picking fancy Dani for the one-on-one.
Rico reckons he’s not sure if he’s ever seen anything as awkward as Timmy trying to come over all sophisticated on a woman who’s teeth were built for digging gold out of a bank vault. Personally I think her intonations were the true horror and if I don’t spend the next week waking up in a cold sweat over dramatically extended 3-syllable words, its only because I’m still haunted by the notion of leather jogging pants.
FUCK you, Kanye.
Anyhoo, after shovelling in some food, Timmy reclines on a chaise lounge so that Dani can drape herself all over him and wait for the opportunity to hoist her tongue flag in his throat. Contrary to expectations, it’s not a total teeth clasher and Timmy manages to come out of it without a massive dental bill – which is a good thing because Rico swears blind that that bitch just totally frisked his cash roll.
Back at the house Dani wastes no time giving a blow-by-blow account of Timmy’s lunch breath which has Ali breaking the seal on a new set of crazy eyes and Sarah wishing she could break off a fist and ditch it at this bitch.
After a precious bit of fuckery involving Timmy and a whole houseful of girls who clearly sleep in their make-up, it’s group date time which means more wholesome, outdoorsy fun and another of Timmy’s barely concealed metaphors.
‘Puppies!’ He shrieks, while Osher sniggers in the background, and Rico rolls a bloodshot eyeball and mutters ‘What’s next? A day at a sausage factory?’
Anyhoo, Sarah proves to be the most adept at snuggling small dogs into her cleavage and, as a reward, is taken into the bush to lie on a blanket while Timmy hops around on his toes screeching that he SWEARS he just saw a spider or Natalie or both. But it’s not a total loss because she ends up getting a rose and is spared having to pash down on Dani’s shrapnelly seconds.
Onto the Rose Ceremony and Timmy has a fucky little treat in store for bottom two, Penny and Emily! Rico reckons that Timmy’s dramatic little stalk out was the perfect showcase for his acting ability and that it’s just a shame that he didn’t come back with a beaming smile and a nubile young prostitute called Nathan.
When he returns it’s to pull Emily aside so that he can reject her away from prying eyes and as close to the front door as possible. He then heads back to Penny with a shit-eating grin and a rose hidden in a convenient orifice.
As the show ends the two questions on everybody’s lips are:
1) Will Penny finally get a date? and
2) Has Osher shrunk since Australian Idol or is he just walking on his knees?