I miss Sonia Kruger’s old teeth. Sure, they were still overly whitened, but their size didn’t freak me out like they do now and I could look at her without picturing her chewing her way through the hull of the Titanic. Rico reckons Sonia’s new teeth aren’t half as interesting as the the bleeding nipple hat in this picture and that if I really want to get my knickers in a twist I should call up her stylist and find out just how much she shelled out for this fucky fashion massacre.
Anyhoo, back to the business at hand, because we all know something supposedly rather large is going down on tonight’s show, and for once it’s not just the contents of Ed’s creaky bowels.
That’s right, brother-lovers, according to the commercials one of the HMs has WALKED – and not just into the laundry room to fish out a lost pair of skid-marky boxers.
Rico reckons this is just BB luring us up a greasy pole with the promise of a burger, but that all we’re going to find when we reach the top is one of those fucknutty intruders who we care less about than Tully’s emotional well-being. I’m of the opinion that he’s probably right and that the hype surrounding this so-called ‘world first’ smells like an unwashed crotch and is likely to provoke the largest simultaneous eye roll since Ricky Martin admitted to getting regular rectal exams from his boyfriend’s penis.
But just for a bit of fun, here’s Rico’s wish list for who actually walks the fame whore plank, in fantasy boner order:
1) Benny. Reason: wakes up from a vivid dream in which he walks in on his nanna getting thoroughly serviced by the television repair man. In a light bulb moment, Benny realises that his nanna is the Drew to his Tully and hightails it out of the house in order to break the news to his mother that he’s about to become her stepfather.
2) Tahaaaan. Reason: Goes to bed on Saturday night after squeezing small pimple on face. Wakes up Sunday morning to find small pimple has morphed into giant boil. Squeezes it and gets pus in eye, hairdryer and down throat. Throws up on hairdryer. Tries in vain to cover with foundation and a sanitary napkin. Overhears cameraman behind mirror referring to her as ‘testicle face’. Exits house.
3) Ed. Reason: Finally decides the time has come to reveal his ‘cards’. Other HMs gather round to view said ‘cards’. Pulls out cards and lays them on the table. Cards turn out to be snapshots of Ed and his brother having sex. All HMs except Jade violently ill. Ed horrifed to realise has left proper cards in other pants. Exits house.
Ah, if only…