Ok, so after the ‘biggest eviction of 2013’ turned into the dullest piece of television since every single episode of The Project, it was no surprise that the good Lord above snapped ‘FUCK this shit!’ and decided to send down the son he got off Mary after that wild night in the stables when he mistook her for Joseph.
That’s right, Brother-lovers, with our faux-lesbian gone to the real world to try to convince all and sundry that the only reason she left Drew her moisturiser was to give him something to wank with, there’s a gaping hole in the BB house and what better way to fill it than with a genuine homosexual and the Son of God?
Rico reckons he’s excited by the prospect of Jesus in the BB house because Jesus is known for all sorts of fun stuff like walking on water and sleeping with prostitutes, and that could totally mean that newly revealed Horse Courtesan, Ed, is in for a pounding! Rico also reckons this could spell excellent news for the house liquor cabinet, because wasn’t Jesus also known for turning water into wine and god knows it’s about time some of these bitches got a proper skinful!
Anyhoo, before we got to the Resurrection, we had to get through the aftermath of Tully’s departure which included Jade hugging Drew and Rico screeching ‘WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?!!’at the top of his drunk lungs, and Tahaaaan taking an extended dump and getting walked-in on by Mr Ed. Rico reckons that, once upon a goon bag, the sight of pretty Jade with her pretty arms wrapped around pretty Drew would have had his leg tapping like the first dog in a flea factory, but now it just fills him with horror because Drew is essentially Tully’s sloppy seconds and, because Big Brother is a hoggy bitch with the phone, poor Jade can’t even dial 1800 EXORCISM.
Speaking of dark powers haunting Australian television, Benny’s special birthday blowhardery was up next and Rico reckons it couldn’t have been any clearer who BB wants to be the 2013 winner if it had been tattooed onto Patty Newton’s stringy old titty bags. That’s right, avid viewers, BB had part of the garden decked out like Mr Miyage’s backyard, only instead of a mono-syllabic Japanese geriatric with a fondness for rice-based liquor, there was a fat man in a ginger rug and the wife who helped conceive the greatest domestic fist-fighter of our generation: Matty Newton!
Anyhoo, every man and his dog and his dog’s inappropriate pink lipstick knows that Benny learnt to hoist his first cum flag over the sweet sounds of Bert and Patty bickering over who clogged up u-bend, and so what better way to get the kind of X-rated action that BB has thus far been missing, then to arrange these bitches on a day bed and invite Benny to join the party! Unfortunately for BB, Benny is more star struck than barred up and despite Patty dry-humping him on the dance floor and Bert undressing him with his eyes and then dressing him in a spare toupee, the action remains strictly G-rated and Rico reckons the producers would have been better off giving Benny a Bert blow-up and a pint glass of white wine spritzer.
But finally we get down to the meat and potatoes of the night: The Second Coming of Christ! And here he is wearing the clever alias of ‘Justynn’ and Rico reckons the sweet torture of that spelling PROVES he’s either the son of an entity who gives not a fuck, or, as the man himself admits, the most ridiculed offspring since Montana ‘Chippy D’ Fishburne.
Anyhoo, he says he’s a lumberjack but a quick Google shows he’s more likely to be found hussling for KFC gigs or lurking around airports hoping to be mistaken for Russell Brand, and snappy as his package is, on stage with Krugs he’s about as shocking as carrot chunks in a spew bucket and Sonia’s carefully prepared ‘scandalised face’ turns out to be a waste of Botox.
Into the house he goes and there’s the usual shrieking and trouping around whilst back in the studio Krugs is priming us for Intruder Number 2: Nathan! Like Jesus, he’s bearded and in his thirties. Unlike Jesus, he hasn’t died for our sins and appears to have spent his adult years hosting quiz nights and worshipping at the altar of hard dick. Rico reckons I’m being unfair and that Nathan seems like a lovely guy if he’d just shed some pounds, choose more appropriate clothing and admit to Krugs that his sole goal going into Big Brother is to squeeze a hot, brown cigar into Ed’s snore-hole the minute he falls asleep.
Anyhoo, after dull minutes being blinded by Krugs’ Stone Henge veneers, he’s sent to the house and we’re left with a scant few minutes of crap in which Mr Ed looks crestfallen at the absence of any hot intruder horse flesh and Ben starts wondering if Bert Newton is still in the vicinity and whether he can get away with pinching some of Drew’s new moisturiser.
As the credits roll Rico mutters that it’s kinda fun to know that Jesus is alive and well, but a little disappointing to realise he’s just another Big Brother fame whore desperate to show his inches on national television.