Big Brother – Hunchback Heidi Has the Power: Jade has Head Like Robber’s Dog

31 Aug


So as you all know, Sweaty Jasmin was given the ceremonial BB shanking on Monday night and left in her wake a Hunchback with a superpower and a faux-lesbian who sobbed so hard that Militant Matty was *this* close to giving her a closed fist intervention. The sobbing, of course, was because the crowd gave off a few boos which Tully immediately assumed were a sign that she’s more hated than a plague rat in a cereal box, but which Rico reckons could equally have been directed at Sonia Kruger’s retarded hosting.

Anyhoo, the Tullster took her angst straight into the Diary Room where she went into damage control by howling for her girlfriend as though she was Tom Hanks on a motherfucking RAFT. Rico reckons it was cute watching Tully protest that all her house relationships were like ‘brother and sister’ and that maybe she’s got a hidden Tasmanian past because that would totally explain why she’s always sniffing around ‘brother’ Drew’s knickers.

Outside in the house and Matty is letting it be known that he’s no longer a fan of the false lesbian and that if she couldn’t bring herself to cry about Jasmin’s eviction, she should have just done a fist pump like the rest of them. Ed reckons he thought Bossy Mikkayla would go while Tahaaaan says she had her money on the Sisters and Rico reckons they are all delusional because if a stroppy drunk with a Drew-fixation could predict it, then so should the fuckers who were actually close enough to smell her BREATH!

Speaking of breath, the show cuts to a commercial by new sponsor, Ambi-Pur, with the tagline: ‘So now the house can breathe easier’ and Rico laughs so hard I have to take a wet-wipe to the TV and coax the dog out of the goon box.

But let’s move on because it’s time for the HMs to listen to Junk Breath Jasmin’s 10 Things I Hate About Jade. And, yes, it’s all about how Jade parades around like an obscenely good looking person who doesn’t have a sweat problem and ends with the helpful hint that Jade is pretty on the inside and that she should consider opening up her mouth instead of just her cleavage.

Jade, of course, takes this badly and it’s up to Drew to give her a cuddle and try valiantly to supress his erection. She sobs that she’s a MODEL and being a slut for the cameras is what she DOES, and that she only became a MODEL because McDonalds knocked back her application, not because she thinks she’s so good looking she makes ugly people LIKE JASMIN self-destruct!

Out in the lounge and Hunchback Heidi is defending her sweaty friend by saying that she wasn’t trying to insult models in general, just that whorey little minx, Jade! Tim wants to know if Jade should go around wearing a paper bag and Heidi snaps that that wouldn’t help matters because Drew would just drool it off and that they might have to invest in some tar and feathers.

Later in the evening and Timmy is in the garden playing nomination games with a bunch of rocks and Tully complains to the other HMs that the ‘Tully Rock’ has a crack in it that looks suspiciously like an asshole. When Tim comes in, Matty wants to know if his is the rock with the solid 12-inches, and Timmy mutters that he fucking wishes before announcing that Tully’s crack just split and he doesn’t know what that could mean other than that voting Australia just took a giant, unlubricated fist to it.

But let’s get down to Nominations! Ok, so Hunchback has the superpower and this week it’s another of those ‘three opportunities’ thingies where she can ask BB three yes-or-no-answer questions and use two points at three different times. Rico yawns and says that Hunchy will probably waste most of her questions on Jade because the last thing she wants is to get out of the house and wake up to a vile odour and a knife at her throat.

Anyhoo, first up in the chamber is Mikkayla and she dumps four points on Tully for moaning harder than Matty on a porn set and one to Benny for being so piss weak she could arm wrestle him into oblivion with her fucking CLITORIS. Rico reckons this isn’t entirely fair because sweet Benny is known to have a fear for the fairer sex’s nether regions and that it wouldn’t surprise him if Mikkayla’s came with its own personal trainer.

Next up is the man himself, Benny, and he gives three points to Militant Matty for being a finger-wagging wanker and two to Caleb for chowing down like a Brontosaurus expecting triplets.

‘I just don’t understand why he’s not a fat bastard!’ Murmurs Benny and BB replies that Caleb works out a LOT and that his wank-face alone would burn a crap load of calories.

Next up is Tahaaan and she gives a single point to the Sisters for being chronic mirror-hogs and four points to Ed because she wants to bust up the ‘boy pack’ and Ed’s face at the same time. Rico narrows his eyes and wonders why he doesn’t feel the same urge to defecate when looking at Tahaaan, and could this mean that he’s actually starting to – gulp – like her?

But enough about that, because it’s time for Heidi’s first three questions! Naturally she wants to know if she’s been nominated (no), follows it up with whether Benny voted strategically (no) and finishes with did Mikkayla vote for Matty (no). Rico makes a less than flattering sound and mutters that if he were Heidi the first question he would have asked would been whether or not giving her entire six points to Tully would make at-home Jasmin suck in her stench breath and hopefully choke on it. Anyhoo, because her questions have helped her not a single fuck, she gives her two points to Timmy because he likes to control things and if there’s one thing Heidi believes it’s that no fucker puts Hunchy in the corner!

Next into the chamber is Drew and he offloads three on Heidi for starting shit in the kitchen and two to Ed because when Timmy held his fake birthday party, Prince Charming Cuntface got Tully all worked up by telling her that Drew was a secret-keeping little bitch. He says that he and Tim were ‘just having fun’ and the last thing he wanted was a play-acting lesbian acting like he’d just sold her last dog.

Next up are the Sisters and they give four to Tahaaan because she’s still acting like a native Australian Rachel fucking McAdams, and one to Tully because she’s always storming out of rooms and it’s only a matter of time before someone catches a door in the face.

On to Jade and she lobs two to Tully because Drew is spending all his time mopping up her tears and making her doubt her lesbianism when he could be massaging her shoulders and assuring her that Ed really does like her but that he just suffers from a severe case of Dumb Cunt on the Brain. Three points she gives to Caleb because he’s a ‘huge threat’ and judging by his work-out face he’s actually a fucking ORC!

Speaking of Caleb, he’s up next and is set for a BB-style bending over because he opened his fat mouth a bit too wide in some nominations talk with the Sisters. As a result, two of his five points go directly to him and Rico reckons this sort of thing is much more interesting than a ‘Strike’ because Strikes make people behave better and that’s just crap television. Anyhoo, Caleb gives his three remaining points to Tully because when she heard the crowd booing her she ran off and cried instead of immediately packing her bags and getting the FUCK out.

Back to Heidi and again she asks if she’s nominated (yes), whether she’s in the Red Zone (yes) and then asks if Paradey Jadey is also in the Red Zone (no). She then gives her two points to Jasmin’s fresh-breathed nemesis for being ‘a nice girl who brings nothing to the table other than her tits’.

After a short ad break, it’s time for Sullen Tully to take the stage and she immediately gives three points to Jade for being Drew’s One True Love and failing to move the fuck aside for a cry-baby with sexual orientation issues. She then gives two to Benny because, unlike her, who is sooooo happy and wants to be here to the end and OH GOD I JUST LOVE IT HERE I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I FUCKING LOVE IT I’M SO FUCKING HAPPY I COULD DIE HERE, he doesn’t seem to care, and Rico snorts so hard he inhales his port and half the bag it came in.

Next up is dull-boy-who-doesn’t-seem-nearly-so-good-looking-anymore-am-I-wrong? Ed who, once again, gives three points to Mikkayla for being ‘bossy’ and then two to the Sisters because Lucy is a blow-hard and Katie wouldn’t spit out a word if she was on fucking FIRE! BB grumbles that the Mikkayla nominations are getting tres dull and Ed opens his anus and presses out some rubbish about how he’s supposed to give honest nominations and, honestly, he fucking hates Asians.

On to Matty and he throws three points to Jade for worrying about what the voting public think when, clearly, this shit is all about what an ex-military control fucknut thinks. He then gives two to ex-bestie Tully because she’s a downer bitch and he’s SUCH A POSITIVE PERSON and it’s hard to be SUCH A POSITIVE PERSON when you’ve got some stick figure with a fucky attitude constantly stomping your lawn.

Rico reckons Tully and Matty sound eerily familiar – Tully in her desire to convince voting Australia that she is the happiest kid on the BB lot and Matty for trying to pretend he’s Australia’s version of Tony Robbins, when he’s actually a passive-aggressive wanklord.

Next is Tim and he gives two points to Caleb for being New Zealand’s favourite sex symbol and three to Tully because she always wants to get involved in his and Drew’s fun and then crack a can of PISSED OFF all over it. When BB questions whether Timmy is ‘jealous’ Timmy makes it clear that he wouldn’t use Tully as a bog brush – unless is was a post-vindaloo situation that required a serious rim job.

But it’s time for Heidi’s final stand which she uses to ascertain that, yes, she’s still in the red; no, Tim did not nominate her; and, yes, Paradey Jadey IS in the Red Zone.

‘Would you like to ask another question, Heidi?’ Murmurs BB.

‘Fuck YES!’ She bellows, before asking whether nominating Tahaaan would save her currently red ass. Unfortunately, BB is just fucking with her and she’s left to throw her two points without a clue, which ends up being about as useful as a clear plastic bag on Caleb’s work-out wank-face.

Back in the lounge room and a rather jovial BB announces that Tully (15), Caleb (9), Jade (8) and Ed and Tahaaan (6) are all nominated. He then announces that Ben, Hunchy, the Sisters, Matty and Mikkayla are all tied on three and that means resident sobber, Tully, has to make the final call! Rico mutters that if Tully had any sense, she’d make sure Jasmin-loving Hunchy was in the mix, but of course the Tullster has all the intuition of a deprived penis and instead chooses Mikkayla ‘for strategy’ after having a brief whinge that not one person seems to find her as adorable as, say, RUBY ROSE DID.

Wednesday night’s show is all about poor deluded Jade and ends with what is likely the most hideously awkward bedroom scene since Madge from Neighbours confronted Harold with a strap-on.

The scene is set with Mikkayla telling Jade to stop listening to LOGIC and INTUITION and instead turn to the institutions of WISHFUL THINKING and FUCKTARDERY. Jade listens to such sage advice and admits that because Ed is so ‘perfect’ she’s been holding back on the Rohypnol because she doesn’t want him to confuse her with Glenn Close from Fatal Attraction. Mikkayla tells her not to hold back and that Ed has a hero complex and will likely appreciate a girl who’s prepared to show her vulnerable side by appearing randomly at his house and broiling his favourite pet.

Elsewhere in the house and Tully is talking to the Sisters about all the ‘lovely and genuine’ guys in the house and how, if she had a chainsaw, she’d build a HM Frankenstein from the grizzly ground up. She then says that she had all but ‘written off guys as a species’ in the outside world, but that now she’s questioning whether she’s ‘100% gay’ because, come to think of it, she’s never come across a vagina that didn’t taste like Coles brand mystery meat. Rico reckons it’s obvious that the only reason Tully has a GF is because it was trending on Twitter, or something equally retarded, and that now she’s had a good whiff of what Drew’s packing, she’s ready to prove that she’s 100% faithless bitch.

Speaking of Drew, after a short conversation with Jade in which she suggests they go on a date ‘when they get out’ and which makes Rico’s head explode, he gets trapped by Tully who forces him to assemble his own HM Frankenstein in order to ascertain just which parts of Jade she needs to FUCK UP. Poor Jade, who has no idea she will shortly be without feet, stomach and boobs, is still engaged in her own fuckery with Mikkayla and if it wasn’t for the the fact that Rico is still patching up his newly exploded head, I’m pretty sure both she and Mikkayla would have gotten a serve that not even that tubby little porklord, George Calombaris, would have been able to choke down.

‘Get him aroused!’ advises bossy Mikkayla, and Jade mutters that that’s not easy to do considering he’s got a lock box on his penis in the shape of his mother’s fist.

And yet still, she goes for it, and as Rico sinks further and further into his goon skin, Ed clings harder and harder to his Jade-free Happy Place, and when the lights finally go out and Ed is still tucked into a terror-stricken ball, Jade has no choice but to do the Walk of SweetChristThatWasAWKWARD back to her spot next to the hunchback.

Rico bursts into drunken sobs and slurs that if she’d only love DREW they could have been on a straight course for the first Big Brother bay-bee! I shake my head because if this is not the sign that Jade needs then maybe she IS Glenn Close and that the story about the Italian boyfriend actually ended with a boiled bunny and a significant stay in a psychiatric institution.

Onto Thursday night and right off the bat Hunchy is making fun of Paradey Jadey’s attempts to introduce her vagina to Ed’s penis. Rico reckons Hunchers should keep her mouth shut because it’s not Jade’s fault that she’s got a brain defect that confuses ‘terror’ with ‘root me’.

Anyhoo it’s the night of the Showdown and, of course, the finalisation of Nominations and after a brief interlude on the game show set where Matty proves that he couldn’t spell his way out of a disintegrated paper bag, let alone a primary school graduation, it’s off to the arena and a big win for Timmy! Rico reckons this is a good result, even though he was up against his beloved Drew in the final round, because the chances of Tim opting to save Tully from eviction are up there with Caleb’s chances of not getting asked about his work-out wank-face for the rest of his natural life.

When the moment arrives, Timmy saves Mikkayla and places himself on her still-warm seat on the nominee’s bench. Tully is immediately enraged because she’d ‘put so much effort into Tim lately’, while Hunchers snarks that Timmy wants people to think he’s a hero when he’s actually just a cunt-faced clever clogs. Rico rolls two bloodshot eyeballs and mutters that Timmy doesn’t care about being a ‘hero’ and anyone who thinks that that’s his aim needs to lie down and die and wait for Mr Clooney to get bored enough to start eating.

In the bedroom, Tully continues her Tim’s-a-CUNT speech before taking it outside with Drew. There she overhears Timmy, Mikkayla and Tahaaan talking about Tully’s belief that Tim is a mean, Mikkayla-choosing FUCKER and, when she draws attention to the fact that she can hear every word, is deeply disappointed to learn that Timmy is fresh out of fucks.

When it comes time for Timmy to choose his Presidential Suite playmate, of course he chooses Drew, which gives macho meat men, Caleb, Matty and Ed, the opportunity to call Drew a slimy grass cutter for having his hand on Tully’s thigh when Tully’s girlfriend isn’t within slapping distance. Tully, meanwhile, is in the Diary Room telling BB that she knows Tim’s game and that she and all the other HMs are going to start playing it back in his face!

‘Good luck.’ BB mutters under the pretence of a cough and Rico mumbles that the day these fools give Timmy a run for his money is the day he’ll walk into a bottle shop and come out again with only a bag of peanuts.

Back out in the house and Matty has amped up the bitch factor on the subject of Jade’s face.

‘She’s got a nice body,’ he admits to Tahaaan ‘but she’s got a head like the last cut off a dodgy roast.’ Tahaaan disagrees in a way that suggests she wants a fat compliment for herself, but Rico mutters that he doesn’t care and that it is a sign of just how obnoxious and wankfisted Militant Matty has become that, by comparison, he no longer feels the need to shove Tahaaan feet-first into a blender.

Until next time snarkers!

xo Flawless

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