Rico reckons I just need to say it so hold onto your goon bags snarkers because here goes:
TULLY WANTS TO ROOT DREW!!!
Yes, yes yes – we are well aware that she has a girlfriend at home (and not just the type who scribbles your messages on a fridge pad and steals your tampons) and, yes, we are well aware that she was photographed with Ruby Rose, has poor posture and could potentially shop for mannish sandals at Rivers, but what does any of this matter when the truth is a Drew-shaped penis squirting us right in the eye?!
I mean, let’s face it, we know she’s conniving and takes backstabbery to heights even Tahaaan has yet to scale, but what else could be the reason for egging Jade on one minute and then painting her with the red S for SuperSlut the minute Drew makes eye contact over the divide?
Rico reckons that if Tully truly was a happy lesbian she’d be attacking sweaty Jasmin or even hotly effeminate Tim, not seeking to crawl under the blanket of the one man who really ought to change his name to Noah and get a message out to his mum to set up some sort of moat and barricade.
But let’s have a bit of a recap: after Noms went down on Tuesday night, Tully was in foul form storming around the crap house and spitting to anyone who’d listen that her compadres in the danger zone were just about the filthiest peasants she’d ever dreamt of sharing oxygen with.
Even childlike Benny dealt with it better, as did mostly-spurned Rohaaaan, and in fact the only person who came close to Tully in the I-hate-all-you-mean-cunts stakes was ranga Xavier.
Rico reckons this was really to be expected because he’d been like the ginger pube lurking around the edges of the cool group and it was only a matter of time before one of them brushed him off and then spent an hour in a bleach bath.
But try as he might, Tully still had him pipped by spending much of the next 24 hours crying, getting sunburned and praying for the sweet gift of everyone else’s death.
But of course nominations weren’t fixed and before long it was time to engage in a little pass the parcel fuckery to reveal who was going in and who was coming out to play with Timmy in the pool. Xavier volunteered to control the music and in a beautiful moment that Rico reckons only happened because Xavier is a ranga AND a hipster, he dropped the iPod right at the point it was in Mikkayla’s bossy paws, and our little Asian battler got to save herself and throw Militant Matty behind bars.
Tully of course was PISSED and made Mikkayla feel like the last ass at the bottom of a very deep bag. Matty also cunted her up nicely by telling her not to worry about it and then spraying Caleb for a good half an hour with stories of how she’s a stumpy little bog stump who didn’t even have the decency to PICK SOMEONE ELSE! And of course Tahaaan couldn’t wait to jump on board and by hissing that Mikkayla should have picked the sisters because it’s not like anyone likes them or enjoys the fact that they’re still breathing.
Other dramas centered around Drew’s love for Jade, Ed’s love for his mother’s rules, and Jade’s inability to understand that if she would only fall in love with Drew, Australia would keep her in the house FOREVER! Part of Jade’s confusion was that Ed dumped her in a language she still doesn’t understand and then stuck his tongue in sweaty Jasmin’s mouth in the spa. Part of Drew’s confusion was that Jade kept getting him to rub her back and didn’t once complain the time his fingers got sore and he finished the job with his erection. Part of Ed’s confusion was that he’s a grown man taking orders from his mother and, after kissing Jasmin, he had a hair in his throat that kept repeating on him.
Tully, of course, has been right in the middle telling Drew that the other HMs are laughing at him so hard they’re leaking into their knickers talking about spending some of the weekly shop on adult diapers. Poor Drew, who has no idea that he’s talking to Evil Sharon’s newly appointed successor, listens to every word and, on the rare occasions where Tully’s forked tongue stabs him in the eye, brushes it off and tells himself it was just microscopic bursting eye boil.
Other disturbing events included Caleb’s horrifying wank face while exercising; Xavier crying because it’s his party and he can cry if he wants to; Caleb and Lucy having such an intensely awkward conversation following their spa kiss that Rico actually set down his goon mug and whimpered for a glass of warm milk; and Caleb peeking in the mirror and then proceeding to weep like an abandoned child because he’ll have to go a whole week without waking up to Matty’s morning breath.
Exciting events included the end of the terminally retarded ice cream Shop challenge; the hilarious game of Charades played by the sisters in which Lucy managed to answer all the clues correctly despite gagged Katie performing the same mindless thrashing for every question; the hysteria over the red carpet outfits in which Mikkayla charged around screeching that she was a fat pig, and Tahaaaan charged around after her agreeing; and Caleb relaxing enough to begin fondling his crotch at Every. Single. Opportunity.
And then of course was the Saturday Night Showdown in which Tully took out the big prize and chose Tahaaan as her Presidential Suite playmate, despite describing her as ‘a flaky vagina at best’ only a few days before.
Rico reckons having the two biggest mean girl whores sharing 24 hours of uninterrupted bitch time is totes dangerous and could be so powerful it may well create a black hole of backstabbery that swallows the remaining HMs and leaves Mr Clooney the dog to lay a sad turd of remembrance on Mikkayla’s bed.
And judging the by previews of what went down on the weekend, he’s not far off!