Well hello there Matty! Or should we call you by your Gay Porn name: Logan ‘Log’ Thruster?
Rico reckons the fact that you’re Army AND wank candy for the Nation’s homosexuals is very progressive and that the phrase ‘pull out of Iraq’ now really has a whole new meaning.
But let’s get on with the business at hand, because it’s Nominations Night brother-lovers!
So here’s our Krugs decked out in her Tuesday night cougar best and she’s reliving Evil Sharon’s eviction and just how hard the HMs partied in the aftermath. Jasmin, who confessed to loving Evil Sharon like the sadistic, soul-crushing sister she never had, runs straight to the Diary Room and wails that she really didn’t think she’d be THIS upset. BB listens until he can take no more and then tells Jasmin to jam a tampon in it because – sweet Christ! – now he can say ‘sweet Christ’ without worrying about waking up in flames.
Next into the chair is Drew and BB wastes no time complaining that Jasmin left hair all over the furniture and asking how Drew’s ‘relationship with Jade’ is progressing. Drew, who looks rather ludicrously hot in his glasses, says that they’ve actually become ‘good friends’ and that if not for that path-greasing Edward, he’s fairly confident he would have found a new ring for his finger.
But what on earth is this? Apparently Jade and Ed had a rather more-than-friends snogette through the bars as their way of potentially saying goodbye, and Rico hisses like a feral cat on a hot dustbin because even though he can’t say for sure there was tongue involved, now that Jade is safe it’s just a matter of time!
Back to Krugs and she does a little snarking at Jade before putting the sisters well and truly in her sights by muttering that the Nominations Chamber better get ready, because tonight will be the first night they’ll be squeezing on in and BB better make sure there’s a crow bar at the ready.
Back to the house and now it’s party time because there’s a whole table of party food and BB appears to have supplied them with a crystal ball. When Xavier is finished predicting that he’ll be leaving the house with his hymen intact, Heidi snatches it out of his hands and hollers that she can see a single bed and Ed and Jade thrashing around in it in the near future! While Rico makes stabby motions in Heidi’s direction, Matty gives Eddy a high-five and mutters that he’ll be watching and for Ed remember that when he’s deciding which direction to point his ass.
Shortly after, while the other HMs engage in a rather G-rated version of Hide ‘n Seek, Jade and Ed are in the bedroom discussing Heidi’s prediction and whether or not they should go at it like Bill and Sookie before she left him for Eric and threw up on Alcide. He throws the ball in her court and, because she’s a confident sort of girl, she gives it a nice firm squeeze and goes in for the first, proper pash of BB 2013.
Rico. Is. HORRIFIED. ‘What is she DOING?!’ He shrieks, slipping on the goon skin and ending up on all fours. ‘Doesn’t she realise that Drew is almost as good looking as Stefan Dennis?!’
I shoot Rico a side-eye because we’ve long disagreed about the attractiveness of Paul from Neighbours because while Rico thinks he was robbed of the role of Edward in Twilight, I’m fairly certain he’s got a head like a savaged testicle.
Anyhoo, just as they kind of agree to share a bed, Drew walks in wearing only a towel and if that isn’t enough to get Jade’s attention then it’s probably because she’s the younger, dumber and infinitely BLINDER version of Helen Keller.
But things aren’t all lost for second-place Drew, because here’s Ed having a chat with Heidi and telling her that Jade is not his type!
‘But you PASHED HER!’ Squeals Heidi in tandem with the rest of Australia and Ed acknowledges that, yes, that’s true – but that he only did it because her mouth was there and he thought it was only polite to stick a tongue in it.
Back in the bedroom and things are about to get so supremely awkward they really need to introduce an A-rating for public television. Ed, who’s been having second thoughts, starts yapping about ‘not feeling right’ about taking a bed away from someone who was just in the poor house, and that he should maybe rough it out in the lounge. Poor Jade Keller assumes this is just a ruse to have more privacy and agrees that ‘we can sleep out there’ and, because Ed has run out of subtle plans, he has no choice but to ask her to step outside.
The speech that follows is so rambling and cliched that Rico reckons Ed has a sparkling future ahead of him as Drunk on Train – either that or as a writer for 60 Minutes. Disjointed as it is, though, Jade gets the gist and even though Ed denies she’s ‘being dumped’, when they walk back to the house Ed has the distinct swagger of a man who has just released a big bag of brown in the nearest outhouse.
Later in bed, Jade tells her tale of woe to the sisters and cranial light-weight Lucy makes the mistake that countless women made before the concept of He’s Just Not That Into You went viral.
‘He probably promised his mum he wouldn’t get his leg over in the house!’ She murmurs reassuringly. Jade is unconvinced, however, and says things are now totes awkward and that the truth is probably that he’s just gay or a kiddy fiddler or both.
But it’s time for Nominations and less-lovely Ed gets called into the Diary Room to get the low-down on his Superpower. And – ooh! – it’s the one where he gets to listen in on some of the other HMs – specifically one out of every group of five – and Rico reckons if Ed doesn’t choose Drew then it’s only because he’s too scared to listen to someone who actually finds Jade attractive.
Anyhoo, the first group of five are Jade, Tully, Mikkayla, Xavier and Benny and because X is a ranga and everyone knows rangas aren’t to be trusted, Eddy lets BB know his are the knives he wants to see a-stabbin’.
But first up in the chamber is Jade who gives three of her five points to Benny, for flying like a bald, gay spaceship under the radar, and the remaining two to Tahaaan ‘because she’s close to the boys’.
‘So what you’re saying is that you’re nominating Tahaaan for being a slut, is that right Jade?’ queries BB.
‘Yes!’ says Jade.
Next up is tearful Tully who slugs Rohaaaan with three points for being ‘negative’ and Xavier for two for being ‘argumentative’ and Rico’s eyeballs spin in their sockets because if this isn’t a giant case of hypocrisy wearing a dick costume, he doesn’t know what is.
Next in the chamber is bossy Mikkayla and Rico sits up as straight on the couch as his drunkenness will permit when she starts tearing Military Matty a fresh one for being ‘arrogant and self-centred’.
‘I KNEW it wasn’t just me!’ Rico shrieks and when she gets to the point about Matty needing to be knocked down a peg or two, he actually gets to his feet and does a few steps of what might be a dance but could equally be alcohol-related palsy.
Mikkayla’s final two points she gives to Xavier for being ‘calculating and manipulative and sucking up to the more popular players’ and BB seems almost as excited as Rico because he praises her for not ‘mincing her words’ and calling a cunt a cunt.
Speaking of Xavier, it’s his turn to nominate and that means Ed putting on his headphones and allowing some words to fight with his ear wax for supremacy! First up X throws three to Tully for being a snotty little cry-baby and even though most of Australia is filing their nails and muttering ‘big fucking surprise there’, gentleman Eddy’s brows nearly achieve lift-off and Rico reckons this confirms that Ed is just a big sack of dumbass who happens to look good in a wife beater.
Next up Xavier gives two points to Benny because he’s ‘built an island for himself in the house and who in fuckery does he think he is – Wilson?’ Rico takes a moment to consider and then comments that, actually, Benny looks a hell of a lot more like Wilson than Tom Hanks and didn’t that hot little blood-smeared bitch end up being the star of the show?
Speaking of Benny, it’s his turn in the Chamber and even though he confesses to feeling sick over his reasons, BB accepts his three points for Tahaaaan (bossy squeegee-snatching whore) and two points for Matty (micro-manager from colour-coordinated towel HELL!).
The next group of five for Ed to pick from are Drew, Rohaaaan, Jasmin, Heidi and Caleb and, surprise surprise, our Eddy singles out delicious Drew for a good old eaves dropping. And he doesn’t have long to wait either, because he’s up first!
For two points, Drew nominates Benny, not for building himself an island but for being nice to them in the happy house and then ignoring them when they got sent to the crap shack. Three points he gives to Xavier because he too thinks he’s a giant suck-hole and he’s noticed that when X is around Matty, he adopts a gruff voice and only talks about rooting Caleb.
When Drew’s done, Ed comments that he thought he was picking the ‘smart’ people in the house, but judging by what they’ve said he’s actually been picking the popular people-hating MEANIES!
Next up in the Chamber is Rohaaaan and he’s grinning like a nominations-sick fool and gushes that he’s looking forward to using the small amount of power he has and jamming it in some ass! Straight away he shoves one point up Tahaaaan for being a total show-off and forcing him to sing the song equivalent of an atomic wedgie at the family dinner, and then four points up Tully for being ruder than a head fashioned from used condoms and for seeming so discontented with the BB experience that BB might do well to keep her on permanent Emo-watch.
Jasmin’s turn is next and she and BB enjoy another little flirt session about the shade of Jasmin’s lipstick before she throws three to Jade for having a pretty face and fuck all else, and two to Militant Matty because she thinks his helping around the house and constantly barking at Caleb to have sex with him makes him a giant threat to win the big prize.
Next in the Chamber is Heidi and she gives three points to Tahaaaan for saying her name and thinking she could get away with it, and two to Xavier because whenever he’s a snappy little bitch, he quickly tries to throw a rug over it and pretend he’s a butterfly. Rico reckons he feels sorry for Xavier because whenever he, Rico, is feeling crabby, he throws a drink at it – but it’s not like they’ve got that option in the BB house.
But here’s Caleb and although this week he’s only got normal points, he sharpens them nicely and sends three spearing into Mikkayla for ‘speaking down to people’ and two to Benny for being so socially retarded it’s like living with a 30-year old parking inspector.
But it’s time for Eddy to make his final choice, and out of Tahaan, Katie & Lucy, Matty and Tim he chooses Tim because he looks just like Nicole Kidman in Dead Calm and Eddy has fond memories of wanking to the ass scene until his palm was one giant callus.
First up from the final group are Katie and Lucy and BB tells them they have 30 seconds to discuss their nominations before laying them down. Not that they need it, though, because they are unanimous on three for Tahaaan for laying a stabby tongue on any HM fool enough to turn their back, and two for Tully for whining harder than a busted engine when she and Xavier had to play tent games in the backyard.
Next is Tahaaan and she does her usual ‘I don’t want to dooooooooooooo this’ before putting up her feet and asking BB if he’s sure she can’t have, say, 50 more points. Anyhoo, she gives two points to Benny because even though her love for him is stronger than her love for carbohydrates or dairy or FOOD, he doesn’t seem to be ‘enjoying it’ as much as, say, someone who spends all her time in the diary room bleating for her hairdryer.
‘So this is a sympathy vote?’ BB snarks, only to see his genius go unrewarded because Tahaaaan is about as capable of appreciating irony as Benny is of appreciating a carefully tended vagina.
Tahaaan’s remaining three points she gives to the sisters because their happiness is getting on her tits and why the fuck did they get to use their straighteners when they probably weren’t even imported from FRANCELAND!
Next up is Militant Matty and Rico draws in a rather potent breath and says that if he’s trying to fill the evil gap left in the house by Sharon’s departure, then that moustache is the way to do it! Anyhoo, he votes three to Rohaaaan for being slack in the kitchen and two to Mikkayla for being bossy in the kitchen, and when BB comments on the common thread, Matty snaps thats BB should be thanking him for working to clear the house of these ethnic minorities, not bitching about Colonel Mustard in the fucking Billiard Room!
And finally it’s Timmy and Ed’s last perve of the night and after a little banter with BB about his choice of knitwear, Tim gives two points to Xavier for being a fellow ‘misfit’ who has instead chosen to align himself with the ‘meatheads and models’. He then shrieks ‘Three points for Tully!’ so loud the cat jumps up and leaves Rico’s privates unattended.
‘Did you get that Tully?’ Hollers Tim and, oh yes, she does, because the whole time Tim is listing her flaws, Tully is looking over her shoulder and exchanging Tim’s-a-cunt looks with Heidi.
Anyhoo, Tim reckons that Tully has been treating the BB house like the film set of Mean Girls and then says something rather insightful about rock and roll and confidence which all basically leads to the assertion that Tully has her head wedged too far up a tight sphincter.
But after all that it’s time for Ed, and Rico reckons he deserves a bitch-slapping with a shitty palm for being ‘surprised Tully was nominated’ and for then using his points to copy his Soldier Master Matty by sending Rohaaaan and Mikkayla to nomination heights.
Back to Krugs in the studio and she’s in an absolute FROTH over the tally board because not only is there a last place tie, but Tully and Tahaaan are also tied for Number 1 and that means they’ll have to reach some kind of slutty concensus!
Back in the house and BB announces that Eddy got to peek through the curtains on three nominations, before busting the popularity dreams of Tahaaan, Tully, Xavier and Matty, and then including Benny, Rohaaan and Mikkayla for good measure.
But then of course it’s up to Tully and Tahaaaan, and while Tahaaan’s eyes are drier than the top setting of her favourite appliance, Tully wails that she ‘won’t pick Matt!’ and Tahaaan has no choice but to let Mikkayla know that when one door opens, she sure as shit won’t be going through it!
The show ends with BB reminding them that nominations are not final and Rico rubbing his hands together because most of the new shit box HMs nominated each other, and that’s sure to add a whole new fisty dimension to such close sleeping arrangements.
Until next time snarkers!