So it’s another Saturday night and another Showdown for the Big Brother Housemates and here’s that giggling mess of polyester, Shelley Craft, welcoming us to our couch and insisting that, tonight, Tim is the man to beat.
Rico reckons the only reason she’s saying that is because Tim appears to be wearing her gold pants from last week and that she’s obviously got a soft spot for someone who makes equally horrendous fashion choices.
Anyhoo, the HMs are limbering up when BB summons them to the arena and, along with Tim’s shiny trousers, there’s matching bunny ears sported by the sisters and the same pink shorts worn by Matty to victory last week now encasing the considerably larger behind of Mikkayla.
Speaking of Mikkayla, she’s obviously in a complete bitch of a mood because as BB starts listing the super prizes, she barks at everyone to shut the hell up and Rico mutters that he pities the fool who ends up on her team and isn’t wearing some sort of ass-guard.
Ooh and speaking of asses, the first task is a ‘twerking’ challenge and because Mikkayla divides her time in the house between bawling-out delinquents and teaching slutty dance moves, BB summons her to give a demonstration and Rico mutters that he never realised that particular movement had a name and that he thought it was just something Beyonce did to work clear of a wedgie.
Anyhoo, the task is to do the most twerks over a two minute period and after more gratuitous ass-shots than an episode of When Proctologists Attack, and way more wank-face than Rico reckons he’ll ever feel comfortable with, Mikkayla, Ed, Evil Sharon, Tully, Drew, Matty, Jade, Tim, Rohaaaan and Xavier move onto the next round.
They then divide into two teams and it’s a word game performed on a balance beam where all the HMs have to shuffle around to spell words such as ‘steam’ and ‘meats’ and anything else BB can think of that can potentially be related to rooting in a sauna.
The winning team are the Oranges, made up of Tim, Jade, Rohaaan, Evil Sharon and Xavier, but BB gives the defeated Purples a second chance to get back in the game by lining up a set of supermarket groceries and pretending he’s Larry Emdur.
Ed wins, along with Matty and Mikkayla, and is given a Kit Kat for his trouble which he promptly throws to Evil Sharon. Rico mutters into his port that this is a troubling sign, because since when does a nice guy like Ed throw anything other than priest-blessed water over a creature like Sharon, and does this mean that the Mistress of Eternal Suffering has somehow won him over to the dark side?
But let’s move on: the next round is one of those awkward-looking games where HMs are tethered together and have to transport a stack of who-the-fuck-knows without tripping over one another and accidentally ingesting each other’s parts. After a few struggles, Ed, Matty, Jade and Tim take it out and move onto the final round which is really too boring to pay much attention to so I end up tracking Rico’s one-legged progress around the kitchen after he stubs his toe on a Rekorderlig longneck.
When I look back, Ed has won the night and is being scooped up into the bulging biceps of Military Matty while Caleb sulks from the sidelines. BB wastes no time and summons Ed to the Diary Room where he reminds him of what he’s won and pressures him to pick who he’s going to invite to the Presidential Suite and ply with strawberry-laced leg-opener.
Nice guy Ed reckons he really wants to take someone from the shit house who might be going home and, because of that, he’ll pick Xavier. But hold on a second: just before he makes it out the door, his face turns an odd shade of outright terror and his body lurches back to the Diary Room chair!
‘Yes, Ed?’ BB murmurs.
‘Errrr… Is it too late to change my mind to Sharon?’
‘This is most unorthodox, Ed’ BB declares. ‘I presume you have good reason?’
‘Ummmm… Yes! Sharon is in the halfway house and she might be going home too, so…’
‘Yes, but hasn’t Sharon spent most of her time on the nice side?’ BB enquires.
‘Shhhhhhhhh!’ Ed hisses. ‘You think she can’t get to you? She can get to ANYONE! She can’t be bargained with! She can’t be reasoned with! She doesn’t feel pity or remorse or fear, or pain, and she absolutely will not stop – EVER! – until -’
‘- until you are dead, Ed?’
‘Or until your nuts are ground into a spreadable paste.’ Ed mutters. ‘So can I take her in or not?’
BB consents because he’s looking forward to front row seats at the Ed and Jade version of Nine and a Half Weeks, and if Ed were to lose his nuts to Evil Sharon’s rage he might have to improvise with vegetable items which would add a completely unnecessary twist to the food scene.
Rico reckons the notion of Ed and Jade playing with produce is deeply unpleasant, because what happens if it’s rations week and the only thing they have available to massage on to one another’s privates is a can of pilchards in aspic?
Speaking of Jade, back in the lounge Ed makes his announcement and as Evil Sharon capers around speaking in tongues, there’s a rather long close-up of our once-married beauty and it’s all I can do to stop Rico waking up the neighbours with his screams of ‘ROOT DREWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!’
The show ends with Ed and Evil Sharon exploring their 24-hour room-share and Rico reckons he could KISS Evil Sharon for showing Ed up as just another cowardly Rohaaan in a more attractive casing – but just not on her lips because he’s fairly certain she eats babies and the last time he scrubbed his mouth out with Clorox he lost all feeling in his tongue for a week.
Until next time Brother-lovers!