Ok, so it’s been a mildly interesting couple of days in the Big Brother house since all the thrills and spills of nomination: perpetually unemployed Benny found himself a ‘job’ pimping for Big Brother; Tully fussed and stormed and stomped her offended way across countless metres of BB acreage; Mikkayla cried herself a rather Karma-filled river; and Military Matty came closer to pinning a Caleb-shaped badge on his bedpost.
Far less interesting was the first of many incredibly dull BB weekly tasks in which HMs were required to stand in front of a wicket and wait for a random ball to get hurled through a wall. Rico reckons the premise of random balls could have been so much more interesting if it had been placed in a saucier context, and that the only interesting thing about HMs in cricket whites is the potential for someone to get a blood nose and cause one of the trash housemates more than a spot of bother getting the stains out.
But let’s get down to the events of Thursday night’s show, which starts out with what appears to be an innocent conversation between Matty and Tahaaan but which rapidly becomes rather sinister indeed! Tahaaan and Caleb, you see, were apparently enjoying a conversation on the couch the night before and Matty wants to know if Tahaaaan’s rather universally-pitied boyfriend on the outside is a trustworthy soul because – sweet whore of Babylon! – that exchange was fifty shades of SLUT!
‘You just came across like a giant prostitute’ Matty murmurs, conversationally. ‘If I were your BF on the outside, I’d SO be fucking your sister!’
Tahaaaaan replies that her boyfriend trusts her implicitly and that even if she was interested in finding a piece of side-action in the house, that bleached rhino Caleb would be the last meat on her hook. Matty agrees that he knows she’s not cruising for a midnight hammering, but that if he catches her so much as asking Caleb the motherfucking TIME in the future, she better be prepared for more than a busted hair dryer.
Rico reckons Tahaaaan is a fool and a half to think she can strike up a friendship with the Sergeant’s favourite Private and that Matty doesn’t look like the type who’ll take a grass-cutting without leaping up and tearing the throat out of the lawnmower. I tend to agree and, because it seems rather clear that BB dumped the Stodden Twins into the house solely for Caleb’s pleasure, I’m excited to see Matty’s reaction the first time he joins Lucy and Caleb in the spa and realises neither is wearing pants.
But let’s move on the Family Dinner Challenge!
Because they have matching names, skin colours and delusions of grandeur, BB has teamed Tahaaan with Rohaaan and summoned them to the Diary Room. On arrival they find a lovely bath filled with ice and the invitation to take a ten-question dip for the grand prize of chicken kiev.
‘If you fail’ intones BB ‘you will be eating canned chicken and bread served on the hatred of your fellow housemates.’
First in is Tahaaaan and even though that water must be colder than an embrace from Evil Sharon, she barely even flinches and just barks at Rohaaan to get his tubby guts in there before she yanks on his drawstring and shows the world just what he hasn’t got. Poor Rohaaaan is visibly nervous and the minute his toe touches the ice his balls rocket back into his body so hard they take a tooth out and even though Tahaaan tries her best to keep him in, in only a matter of seconds he’s taken his distinctly girlish screeches back out of the tub.
Tough nuts Tahaaaan STAYS IN THE WATER and tells BB that he HAS to let her do it by herself PLEASE! BB agrees and although Tahaaan’s brain chugs laboriously over such brain-strainers as: ‘what colour is snow’, she stays put for the whole ten and wins the house their 70’s-style chicken dinner!
It’s at this point that Rico turns to me and mutters that the only way Tahaaan could have managed to be so comfortable in that water is if she’s a fucking TERMINATOR and that’s obviously why the dog whines every time she’s on the television. He also adds that Rohaaaan is the worst strategist he’s ever seen – unless his strategy is to be sneered at by the whole of Australia for having smaller balls than a termite basketball team.
Out in the kitchen and Tahaaaan is doing her best to improve her martyr rating by doing all the cooking and foiling all Rohaaan’s efforts to help. At one point she starts slamming cold dishes on the table and so eerily resembles my mother than when Rohaaaan tentatively suggests they utilise that marvellous invention known as the microwave, I half expect Tahaaaan to turn around and shriek ‘we don’t have a microwave because your lazy, good-for-nothing father has pissed it up the son-of-a-bitching WALL!’
Out at the Family Dinner table and our newly anointed hero, Tahaaaan, and her testicularly-challenged sidekick, Rohaaaan, perform a rather cringeworthy poem that tells the story of Tahaaaan’s bravery in the face of hypothermia and Rohaaaan’s terror at the thought of shrinkage. Then it’s tuck-in time, followed by the rather dull discussion topics which, tonight, range from Ed being ‘too nice’, Evil Sharon being scarier than all the Paranormal Activity movies combined and Caleb spending too much time trying to romance Matty when it’s clear all Matty wants is a nice warm orifice to call home.
After dinner, there’s a fair bit of talk about Rohaaaan’s cowardice, especially from muscular Matty and Caleb, and even mournful Tully joins in and mutters that she’d probably like him better if he’d sat in that tub until he could no longer father children. This is followed by a rather sweet moment where Caleb feeds his soldier sweetheart Matty from a jar and Rico comments that maybe Caleb really DOES have a chance at romance, or at least until he puts out and Matty swivels his periscope towards his next target.
Over to lovely Bennny, and BB has summoned him back to his PA desk just in time for the phone to ring. And, goodness, it’s time for a little after dinner minted fuckery because it gets passed to martyr Tahaaaan – despite Mikkayla screeching ‘pick me PICK ME!!!’ and smashing her angry little face into the perspex. Anyhoo, BB tells Tahaaaan that she has to ‘save’ one nominee and chuck a ‘safe’ HM into the nomination shredder. After a little dry-eyed crying, she chooses Mikkayla, replaces her with Heidi, puts down the phone and launches into a performance that would have the Razzie Committee on their feet, but leaves the rest of us over the bucket.
‘I didn’t want to dooooooooooooooooo it!’ She heaves and gasps and sighs. Heidi, meanwhile, looks grimmer than a basket of reapers and when Tahaaaan tries to explain her choice she tells her that it isn’t necessary and anyone can see she was just being a spiteful little cunt.
Back in the house and BB calls Benny into the Diary Room and asks Benny how he has found the job. Benny says that if this is what employment is like, he’ll stick to waking up at 11am and spending his days sewing Yellow Pages cosies and writing love letters to his Nanna. BB says that’s fortunate, because he was as shit an assistant as that Kruger bitch is a host, but because he signed a contract he’ll have to use him for at least one day a month but don’t expect him to pay in anything other than Tim Tams.
Outside and there’s a fair bit of conversation about Mikkayla being safe and how Tahaaaan managed to save the one person in the house who everyone would happily see mangled under a school bus. In the Diary Room, Tahaaan complains that she’s ‘gone from hero to zero’ and that she only did it for ‘strategy’. As she starts jawing about being in the final two, Rico rolls a single blood-tinted eyeball and wonders how BB can listen to this rubbish and that it’s a good thing he’s only a voice-over because it would take a hell of a case of Lock Jaw to keep a straight face and, as far as he’s aware, they don’t exactly sell it at Coles.
Back out in the house and Matty has taken off his dog tags and popped on his bitch brooch because he doesn’t think Mikkayla deserved to be rescued with that many knives protruding from her back. In the bedroom, the girl herself is sorting out her case because Tully has dumped it in her haste to get the FUCK out of Tahaaaan’s bed and put Mikkayla in. When the Tulster walks in, Mikkayla asks her if she’s ‘ok’ and Tully whines that she ‘doesn’t understand anything anymore’ before storming out.
Mikkayla mutters a few words that may or may not start with the letter C and then later tells Tahaaaan that she might want to apply some pre-emptive Vaseline, because bitch is going to get royally FUCKED come next Nominations Night. Tahaaaan tells her she could give a fuck and that she was ‘so close to sending Tully over’. Mikkayla tells her that her brain must be on permanent pause, because the only move that would have given her a higher retard-rating than saving Mikkayla would have been sending cool kid Tully back to the poorhouse.
Speaking of Tully, she’s in tight with her pack of Military Matty and Caleb and is telling them that Mikkayla is going to roar and rampage like Uma Thurman on her fucking PERIOD come Nominations Night. When she leaves, Matty tells Caleb that they have to stay out of other people’s problems because the last thing he wants is for Caleb to get so caught up in issues that he forgets his place on all fours.
The next day dawns and even though it’s Jade’s birthday, Tahaaaan is still going on about Heidi reacting ‘badly’ to being switched for Mikkayla.
‘If it was me’ Tahaaaaan explains to her captive audience of Caleb, ‘I would have fucking THANKED me! I mean – where’s the motherfucking GRATITUDE?’
Caleb nods and says that Tahaaan clearly has a ‘strength of character’ that chubby Heidi lacks, because he clearly remembers her stoic attitude when BB did the old disappearing act with her hairdryer. Tahaaaan snaps ‘damn fucking STRAIGHT’ and that she’d like to see that radio-headed bitch go to third base with a tub of frozen marguerite and still have the fortitude to call Rohaaaan a curry-munching CUNT.
Speaking of poor Rohaaaan, he’s in the Diary Room telling BB that he’s finding it tough to fit in because who knew the house would be full of muscles and attention-seekers and why in fuckery couldn’t BB have told that other house wimp Benny to get in that bath? BB commiserates and says the muscles are for the girls, the attention-seekers for the editors of Zoo Magazine and if he’d given the ice-bath task to Benny he would have been the beat-up meat in a mother and nanna sandwich. And anyway, the cool kids needed a little brown punching bag.
Out in the gym and the punching is well and truly going on. Tahaaan whinges that he gave her nothing but grief in the kitchen because she wanted to serve up that dinner single-handed and the cheeky little bastard kept trying to HELP! Tully agrees and wonders if he’s a mother’s boy or just a lazy fucknut and Rico snorts and says that if Rohaaaaan’s tan was the result of surfing rather than genetics, and he had more bulges than a razorback in a sack, he could have taken a nap under the kitchen table and none of these fickle bitches would have uttered a damn WORD!
Elsewhere in the house and there’s a little hand-holding going on between Lucy and Caleb in the spa and Tully makes it her business to find out exactly what’s going on by confronting him in front of his soldier daddy, Matty. Matty narrows his eyes rather dangerously at this news and then puts his back into being a passive-aggressive wanker by saying that haggard Katie is actually the looker and that if Caleb and Lucy had babies they’d be uglier than dog-chewed barbie parts.
In the kitchen and the girls are gathered and the topic has turned to birthday girl Jade and how all the boys want to shimmy into her small clothes. Rico cringes and mutters that someone better dial 1800 MEAN GIRLS because, birthday girl or not, bitch is in for a good old fashioned KNIFING. Tahaaaan complains that she ‘flirts with a lot of people’ and that this would only be acceptable if she was a high-talker and made every sentence look like she was auditioning for a role in Dynasty. Tully refers to Jade as ‘little missy’ and the others complain about Jade’s ability to ‘switch off’ from the intense emotional commitment of a one-week fake marriage.
Speaking of Jade, she’s having a conversation with Ed through the partition, watched on by Drew, Tim and Heidi. Heidi wants to know what Drew would do if ‘Jade kissed you tonight’ and he mutters that, of course he’d kiss her back, but that then he’d have to explain why he was wearing an Ed costume.
But it’s party time and lucky Jade gets to take two HMs into The Parlour to get all pretty for the party. She takes Tully and the sisters and once inside the room, Tully wastes no time referring to Ed as ‘the elephant’ and asking Jade whether she’s planning to get all up in his trunk. Jade says that she doesn’t want to make things awkward because the stench of Drew’s unwashed hair is still in her nostrils and she doesn’t want to do a Ross and say the wrong name at her second wedding.
Trouble-making Tully then paints a picture of grieving Drew and says that it’s no coincidence that BB wants Jade to be a Princess when Ed’s already been named the house Harry. Jade says that Drew is like the hot older brother that she wants all her friends to hook up with, but by ‘friends’ she means NO-ONE – especially not someone with a tongue that could potentially go in his mouth.
Anyhoo, while Drew and the other losers watch from the barracks, Jade gets a ride in a carriage and is then lifted out and carried into the house by PC Ed. It’s at this point that Rico leaps to his feet and slurs that – damn it! – if Jade doesn’t want him, then hook him up to the greasy-hair express because that boy deserves some LOVE!
It’s at this point that BB relents and lets the rest of the HMs join the party in the house – but this turns out to just be more fuckery for poor old Drew who has to once again listen to Jade wrap her tongue around some sexy Italian before engaging in a rather lengthy, albeit close-mouthed, kiss with Ed over the blowing out of the candles.
Later on when the clock has struck midnight and all the Crap Housemates have been forced back to their cells, Tully engages in a final piece of conniving cuntery by telling Drew that things with Jade and Ed are ‘only going to get worse’ and if he’ll just give her a sign she’ll really put her forked tongue into making that little hussy’s life a misery. Drew mutters that it’s not easy when everyone has assumed what he’s feeling and that he could bust into Rohaaan’s bedroom and deliver him a world-class feltching and these bitches would still be patting him on the back and telling him that it’s not his fault he was only born a nine out of ten when Ed is a motherfucking ELEVEN!
The show ends on a rather disturbing note when BB instructs Tim to empty his pockets only to reveal a stash of lollies and a hefty bag of carrots. Tim declares that he likes carrots and that’s the reason he filched them, but Rico reckons a sharpened carrot makes an excellent shank and that Tim was either planning a good old fashioned prison riot, or that Jasmin had unknowingly volunteered for some ‘corrective’ surgery.
Until next time snarkers!