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Big Brother Launch: Tully Hates Tim, Rico Hates Sharon; TaHAAN is Clothes-Hating Whore and Don Draper is 50 Shades of Hot Crumpet

30 Jul

Big Brother Launch:  Tully Hates Tim; Tahan is Clothes-Hating Whore; Don Draper is 50 Shades of Hot Crumpet

Sweet lord of Choked Anal Passagery! Rico reckons if anyone got through that hot mess sober he salutes you with the remainder of port that isn’t sprayed all over the TV and his custom-brown Big Brother-watching trousers.

Yes, yes, I know what you’re all saying: we KNEW what this was going to be like, we’d SEEN Sonia Kruger and her one-woman awkward hosting horror show before, and we were EXPECTING the kind of housemates that make an urgent bowel movement look like a fine and upstanding member of society, but with all this talk of a twist we harboured this tiny, fledgling hope that we might see something other than a part-time model forced into bikini lock-down.

But let’s not get too ahead of ourselves. The show starts and here’s some fat man lumbering across the stage in what is supposed to be The Twist but looks more like the dance Rico performed last time he was caught on public transport without any way of relieving himself. Oh but it gets worse, because here’s the lady herself with a whole slew of backup dancers and Rico reckons if this was SYTYCD, Nigel Lythgoe would be holding up a wrinkled little paw and telling Krugs to come collect her ticket to Wal-Mart because there’s plenty of work there for a leathery ex-dancer who has no business wearing thigh-high boots.

Anyhoo, the dancing stops and the-woman-who-will-never-be-Gretel-Killeen gushes that the house is ready, the housemates are ready and that Big Brother is so ready his gigantic twist is busting out of his trunk. She then does a bit of jawing about how the housemates will have to work harder than ever before because ‘this year the prize money is A QUARTER OF A MILLION DOLLARS!’

In the rather unenthusiastic applause that follows, Rico turns to me and wonders if fatty Trevor who won the Big Million a few years back has still got a stuffed wallet riding low in his jeans, or whether the woman he proposed to the night he took the prize has already sprayed it up the wall along with his dreams of having regular blow jobs.

But back to Sonia and she’s telling us that it’s time to see the house and – ooh! – look at all those pretty things! But hold on a second, Big Brother is cutting the picture and telling Sonia to shut her fat mouth because he’s not yet ready for us to see him without his foundation and that has to wait for the first of the housemates!

‘Let’s just say,’ he rumbles in that adorable Big Brother voice of his ‘that 2013 is going to be unlucky for some.’

Rico rolls his eyes and says that this sounds awfully similar to the ‘haves and have-nots’ scenario and unless Big Brother’s definition of ‘unlucky’ involves good looking people forced into relations with their pastier, more cellulitely breathren, he’s saving his applause.

But before we can really get into the possibilities, it’s time for the first housemate!
Mikkayla

And – ooh! – her name’s Mikkayla and according to her video package she’s a rather unnaturally ravenous person who hates the word ‘fart’ and was adopted by Australian bogans who forced her into a life of respelling her name over the phone to Centrelink employees. Rico reckons she’s rather pretty but the fact that she says she reads a lot, is a High School English teacher and still can’t pronounce the word ‘schnitzel’ is cause for concern.

Anyhoo onto the stage she prances wearing a rather shapeless floral smock and frankly it’s a relief that she’s not a particularly skinny person and that the army of burgers she described in her footage found a safe haven to cling to.

‘How are you feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling?’ screeches Krugs, to which Mikkayla replies that she could savage the dick off a low flying albatross and can bitch shut her face and let her into the house already?

‘HAHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!’ Brays our gifted host, before turning her towards the screen, showing her a pair of doors rather typically coloured grey and sunny orange and telling her she needs to pick a key. Mikkayla mutters that this is the kind of foodless fuckery that really gets her wanting to pick up a knife, but if she really has to go through this before she gets to the snack table then she’ll take number 11!

‘Woo hooooooooooooo!’ Bellows our witless one before slapping Mikkayla on the rump and sending her galloping back down the catwalk – and us to a much-needed commercial break.

When the show returns, there’s our plucky little Asian getting cavity searched by security before trying her luck on the pair of doors that ostensibly lead into two different Big Brother houses. What follows is a bit of a yawn-fest where she struggles to open both the grey and orange doors before finally being successful and tottering into the 1980s set of Prisoner.

That’s right, Brother-Loving beauties, is IS a haves and have-nots situation because Mikkayla is stuck in Crap Central and separated from luxury by some transparent plastic bars that look like they were just DESIGNED for some fucktard to squeeze through.

But let’s get back to Krugs because she’s preparing to unleash housemate number 2: Xavier!
Xavier
According to his package, Xavier is a nice guy who just so happens to be so horrific in bed he makes seasoned prostitutes offer him a refund. He also has a beard – or rather a wispy demi-beard – and just as Rico’s eyes are starting to narrow in suspicion he leaps on to the stage and announces that he isn’t wearing socks.

‘Hipster!’ Hisses Rico, covering his eyes with the goon towel. I try to console him, but Rico fears hipsters the way most public servants fear an uncatered meeting, and finding out that one has made its way into the BB house is only second in terror to finally meeting Big Brother himself and discovering that he votes Liberal.

But back to Xavier and it’s his turn to pick a key, scuttle down the catwalk and wrestle with some locks, while inside the house Mikkayla has worked out that she can touch the spa hot tub water but can’t seem to convert it into food. But suddenly there’s Xavier, because he’s also drawn the short straw and Mikkayla wastes no time patting him down for calories before taking him on a tour of the cell block and demonstrating her favourite sexual position ‘the foetal’.

But back to the-blonde-who-should-have-spared-us-her-ambition because the next housemate just happens to be Tahan!
TaHAAAAAN
Or rather TaHaaaan, and even though we’ve seen her in the sneak peaks, we get a bit more footage which reaffirms the impression that she’s just a wholesome country girl who also happens to be a rampant pig-stabber who just can’t seem to get along with other girls.

Rico wipes away a tiny, coal-coloured tear and says he feels for poor lovelies like TaHaaaan and that it isn’t her fault that God granted her an exceptional face, a faultless figure and the personality of a bloated tampon.

Onto the catwalk she comes and Krugs handles her with her usual mix of incompetence before asking her to pick a key. She picks 4 but then changes to 12 ‘because it’s my sister’s birthday’ and Rico mutters that a sibling’s birth is never lucky because it represents a significant reduction in inheritance. But 12 it is and just as Rico predicted it IS unlucky because she’s also set for the cellblock and Mikkayla is still hungry.

“You don’t look like you eat carbs – can I eat your bread?’ She barks, the minute TaHaaaaaan steps her toe onto the block.

‘There are CARBS in here?’ TaHaaaaan squeaks, looking for a tall, manly embrace to collapse into before realising there’s only dud root Xavier.

But what’s this? Big Brother is summoning them to the Diary Room and it’s a rather shabby mess of a half-upholstered chair and some even shabbier information that revolves around them having no bathroom, no kitchen and only half-size beds! TaHaaaaaan immediately whines that she hasn’t done anything wrong and begs rather prettily to know how long this is going to go on for. Unfortunately for TaHaaaaan, BB is not a portly shopkeeper who keeps one hand on the register and the other on his crotch, and they get sent out of the room with no further answers.

But it’s time for another housemate and this time it’s another familiar face: Ben!
Stanford

His footage is much the same: he still looks like Stanford Blatch, acts like Stanford Blatch and has such a keen love for Bert and Patti Newton that I imagine they will be fighting his mother for custody upon his release. Rico reckons he doesn’t blame them because do they even have any more kids other than than the cheapest nose-realignment specialist on the block, Matty?

Anyhoo, Benny loves his mother a lot and he’s never had a ‘special friend’ because every time he gets a guy over his mother serves him up a special tea party of crumb cake and keep-your-unclean-dick-away-from-my-nice-clean-boy and between that and his Kerri-Ann Kennerly records, he’s not exactly The Bachelor.

Onto the catwalk he comes and the audience loves him, particularly when he selects key number 1 and it takes him straight into the luxury house.

Back in the poor house, TaHaaaaan is giving Mikkayla a lesson in strategy by telling her to hide her jealousy from the lucky fuckers on the other side. Mikkayla snaps that the only thing she’ll be hiding are their side’s rations, because if she doesn’t get at least eight square meals a day, body parts are gonna start going missing!

Back to Sonia and it’s time for Housemate number 5! Hot Lesbian
And – ooh! – her name is Tully and she’s a rather hot-looking lesbian who loves her social media, has a mother with dementia and is rather happy about the fact that men still check her out even though she dislikes a hard penis unless it comes with a side of meat cleaver.

Rico reckons her red dress is rather tight for a lesbian, and shouldn’t she be wearing Birkinstocks? I remind him that lesbians come in all guises these days and just because Rivers is still doing a roaring trade doesn’t mean they all have to dress like Forrest Gump.

‘Loooooooooooove this dress!’ Gushes Krugs, before snapping that ‘that’s enough about that’ and urging her to pick a key. She does and it’s number 8 and just like the other three losers before her, it takes her straight into Pat the Rat’s playroom.

Back in the house and Xavier is trying to show Ben the half-beds, while Mikkayla is telling Tahaaaaaaan the story of how she was on her way to an Indian restaurant to fill her chow-hole when she tripped over a massive queue and just happened to audition for Big Brother. But wait – here’s Tully! And before she can even straighten up from that too-tiny door, they’re screaming that she chose the wrong key and now she’s stuck in a craphouse with half-beds, no shower and a starving Asian who won’t wait for a plane in the Andes before she starts turning on her teammates.

‘This looks amazingly bad’ she mutters and Rico agrees, because they’ve just shown the promo for the next housemate and sweet lord of spiral permed Sun-In, who in fuckery ordered a Michael Bolton?

But it isn’t, of course, it’s some perpetual student called Tim Tim
who just happens to look like the toolie from Puberty Blues and has a collection of guinea pigs that he would only consider marrying if one of them got extreme dolphin plastic surgery. Most people, Tim says, want to be him, which is unfortunate because he doesn’t like people – unless they have long blonde spiral curls. His ultimate girl, he says, would be him with a set of tits and the ability to jump through a hoop at Sea World.

Up the catwalk he comes and after a lingering hug with Krugs he announces that he’s positively RIDDLED with disease and that aside from spreading pestilence, he’s going to be the housemate who really says everything the audience wishes housemates would say. Rico reckons he hopes this is true because that lot have only been in the house five minutes and he’s already busting for someone to tell TaHaaaaaan she’s dumber than a thick sandwich with a side of RETARD for complaining about the mirrorless toilet.

But moving on, Tim picks key number 3 and it gets him into the happy side and Krugs snarks to the crowd that she doesn’t think he’d mind which house he got into, as long as there was a nice quiet corner for him to wank in.

But let’s move on to the next Housemate and it’s mother-of-three Sharon! Sharon
And here we go: she loves her kids blah blah, works hard blah blah – but what’s this? She was a – shudder – cop for 12 years and now she’s a Personal Trainer!

Rico gasps, skulls his port bucket in a single panicked swallow and snaps that he KNEW there was something wrong about her from the first preview, and this just confirms it! Plus she has named two of her children Logan and Reagan and if that isn’t just lazy parenting then he doesn’t know what is!

But onto the stage she comes and she’s wearing the most hideous outfit of the night so far: some kind of smock dress with what at first glance looks like ill-fitting leggings but is actually Pretty Woman-style prosti-slut boots that make her legs look like the Twin Towers after they started to fall. Krugs gives her a cuddle and then drives in the knife about how she will manage to leave her children for up to 3 months of their little lives. Ex-cop Sharon looks blank for a second and then snaps that those fuckers have had her at their beck and call for years and if they keep up that mouthy shit about taking their story to New Idea she’ll just stuff a puppy in their gobs.

‘How WONderful!’ trills animal-hater Krugs, before emploring her to pick a key – which turns out to be number 4 and sends her straight over to the rich side of the house where she gushes over the girls, uses the word ‘darl’ and introduces herself as ‘Shazza’ which causes Rico to vow that he will have to find her another nickname because the only thing he likes to have in common with a personal trainer is the ability to take a giant dump and then name it after his least favourite newsreader.

But let’s get on with the show! Next housemate on the block is Ed, which is short for Edward but which may as well be short for Instant Ben Boner because sweet lord of Don Draper he is pur-tee! don draper
According to his video package, he’s a twin and his brother is the footballer he was supposed to be if he hadn’t banged up his knee during a rather unfortunate key-tussle at a swingers’ party. And – oh lord! – he’s single and as he steps on the catwalk in his Mad Men best, Krugs gushes that he ‘might be a keeeeeeee-perrrrrr’ and Rico mutters that if the Gods can just ensure he’s wearing socks, he’ll happily submit to the next unattractive elderly who stalks him at the food court.

Anyhoo, he picks number 2 which gets him into the happy house and Rico reckon this is good news because at least that gives us however long the divide lasts before we have to watch TaHaaaaaaan trying to stick her tongue down his rather attractive throat.

Back in the house and Tim has found himself stuck in a conversation with Constable Sharon, who appears to be on the Justification Jaguar because she’s waffling about how ‘I’d be a horrible mum if I didn’t miss my kids’.

Rico slams down his glass and shrieks that of COURSE she’s a horrible mum because what kind of parent wears that kind of launch outfit on BB and then expects her kids to face up to the rest of judgemental Australia?

But in comes Ed and sweet Benny’s eyes go rounder than his beloved Bert’s head and if the soundtrack in his heart isn’t Olivia Newton John’s Hopelessly Devoted then Rico reckons it’s that Taylor Swift mess about picking out a white dress and that Benny’s already picturing himself in Patti Newton couture.

Back to Krugs and it’s time for BB’s own War Hero, Matty, to make an appearance.
matthew
And oh the crowd just love him, which Rico says is a little odd considering what he thought were moles is actually a Southern Cross tattooo and doesn’t that mean he spends his spare time kerb-stomping boat people?

‘What’s it like to put on a uniform and go out and fight for your country?’ Krugs asks, laying an overly tanned paw on his bicep. Rico sprays his port and snarks that what is it about men in uniforms and if he’d known this before he’d have worn his old Hungry Jacks uniform last time he went clubbing.

Anyhoo, Matty chooses key number six which, to the dismay of the war-worshipping crowd, delivers him straight into TaHaaaaan’s clutches over in Skid Row.

Speaking of Skid Row, Tully is already pissed because spiral-permed Tim won’t shut his damn mouth and she can’t stretch her arm far enough through the bars to jam her fist in it. Tim reckons it’s a ‘pick on Tim party’ and unless there’s someone else in the house called Tim, he’d quite like to propose another theme.

Back to Sonia and she’s screeching that ‘it’s time for another girrrrrrl!’ heidi
And so it is, in the form of radio-worker Heidi who admits to having severe self-esteem issues that have resulted in her going on a ‘massive health kick’ and which Rico says will drive her straight into freaky Sharon’s waiting arms. Onto the catwalk she jumps and she’s wearing another damn smock dress and Rico says that there must be some sort of fabric shortage backstage because not even the semi-chunkers have been able to get away with a dress below mid-thigh.

What follows is some more tired banter with Krugs before she picks key number seven and heads off to the glam house.

It’s at this point that Rico sits bolt upright in his chair and points out that Heidi quite possibly has a hunchback. And that this could be incredibly fortunate news, because girls like Tahaaaaaaan always get twitchy around physical oddities that aren’t the result of lengthy meetings with a plastic surgeon and nothing makes his heart sing higher than the possibility of a superficial whore jamming her foot in it.

Back in the house and even though she got to take Military Matty on the cellblock tour, Tully’s mood hasn’t improved because Tim is still alive and gushing about the existence of the coconut tree. Xavier tells her to think of the positives, and the fact that there’s a plastic fence separating them means she can’t get evicted for eviscerating someone in the first week of the show. Tully growls that that’s like telling a eunuch he should be happy he can’t get a bad blow job and if that’s the kind of advice Xavier’s full of, he should cram it back in his gut sack.

Back to Sonia and she’s getting all fluttery because the next Housemate is flight attendant Jasmin, and our Krugs knows Gwyneth Patrow’s lines from Up in the Air down pat!
jasmin
But a Gwyneth she’s not because she looks strangely old, even though she’s only 24, and after a little thought Rico says it must be to do with her hair and how it looks like something you’d yank out of your bath plug after a six-month hiatus.

Anyhoo out she comes and, because she’s one of the dumpier ones, she’s also wearing an ultra-short smock and has the kind of sweaty face you’d expect to find on a suddenly-aware drug mule queuing at Changi airport. She chooses key number 10 and, you guessed it, she’s on the rich side and Sharon wastes no time telling her she’s gorgeous and then introducing herself as ‘Shaz’ which makes Rico throw two fingers at the TV and shriek that she’s taking away all his choices.

Big Brother takes that moment to summon all the Richie Richers to the Diary Room where he proceeds to inform them that they will be in charge of when and how much the cellblockers eat and that said cellblockers will be obligated to perform laundry duties upon request. Rico sighs and says if he was in the house he’d wait until midnight before lobbing his sweaty jocks over the fence and barking for TaHaaaaaaan to get her hands dirty.

Back to Sonia and it’s time for the last housemate of the night: Caleb.
caleb
According to his package he’s a fireman who bleaches his fangs and his locks and used to go for model-types but is now interested in girls with personality. Out he comes and, sweet lord of Kevin 07, his hair is horribly blowdried and clashes dreadfully with his full sleeve of tattoos. He tells Krugs his mates call him Warwick Capper and that he’d be excited to meet his dream girl in the house providing she isn’t a money hungry slut like the one the real Capper got hitched to.

And because he’s the last housemate, there’s only one key left and it takes him straight to the poorhouse where he gets rather excited meeting model-type Tahaaaaaaaaaan and gives not a single fuck for hunchback Heidi. The rest of the intros are pretty standard, until Rico’s nemesis introduces herself as ‘Sharon’ and causes Rico to point an accusing finger at the TV and pronounce in a terrible voice that she is EVIL because what woman willingly leaves her three children for a reality TV show AND refers to herself by three different names?

Big Brother then cuts into the house and announces that the prize money will be $250 000 and there’s a fair bit of shrieking and exclaiming and not a little muttering that they thought Channel 9 could have bumped it up a bit because they’re not exactly rating like that corn-speckled pool-floater, Masterchef. He then leaves them to ‘enjoy the house’ and Tully wastes no time telling Caleb his teeth are giving her eyes the hurts, while Matty is happy to start talking about his ‘tour in Afganistan’ until Tim drops the blunt bomb and asks him if he’s killed people.

‘Fuck yes!’ Matty brags. ‘This old bitch tried to cut me off in the deli queue just the other day. That chicken was MINE bro!’

Tim mutters that that wasn’t exactly what he meant but then recovers by saying that he’s glad there are ‘interesting people in the house’ because he’s a boring fucker who makes entertainment by counting the skidmarks in his boardshorts.

Speaking of skidmarks, TaHaaaaan is worried that the attention has drifted off her now that everyone has changed into their homey pajamas, so it’s time to stage a prisonbreak into the Jacuzzi! Overly bleached Caleb is not far behind because he can’t wait to see if her personality in her tiny yellow bikini is as awesome as it was in her tiny yellow dress. With not a little egging-on from Tim, over the wall she goes and no sooner does she hit the water then Big Brother is summoning them to the Diary Room for what is supposed to be punishment but actually turns out to be the show’s biggest fuckery so far.

‘Since you are so keen on swimwear,’ says Big Brother ‘you can bring all your clothes to the Diary Room.’

‘Yes!’ shrieks TaHaaaaan performing a massive fist pump, which rapidly fades when BB announces she will get her clothes back after 24 hours.

Rico says this is terrible news because now poor TaHaaaaan only has 24 hours to parade around like an attention-seeking slut monkey before having to put her clothes back on and pretend she’s happy about it. Still, he says, he’s sure she’ll milk it for all it’s worth and maybe even shed a few tears over the horror of being practically naked in a houseful of men when all she really wanted was to have intelligent, fully-clothed conversations about men always checking out her tits.

Back in the house, the other housemates ask her what happened and she trills that BB spanked her so hard she needs Eddy to smother her with ointment, because the big mean man has taken away her clothes privileges and awarded the cameramen a night of unparalleled wank time. Tim takes this opportunity to sneak into the diary room and claim responsibility for the Jacuzzi heist because TaHaaaaan is easier than a two-piece jigsaw and he’d ‘rule the halfway house’ if only he’d been born a mother fucking Waldorf.

Others to claim early Diary Room time are Tully, who gets tearful over the ‘power play’, and ShaWRONG, as Rico insists she be called, who starts gushing that her overwhelming mothering instincts are telling her to shield Benny like a baby bird even though she left own children to fend for themselves with a father who can’t even nuke a Lean Cuisine without coating the inside of the microwave. She’s just such a natural mother, she insists, and fuck those little cunts and their vagina tearing heads because it’s not like befriending their ugly little faces is gonna get her closer to the cash.

And finally it’s Ben himself, who invites BB to admire the bulldog PJs that his mother bought him so he doesn’t forget her face going into the house. Rico comments that if his mum is half as hot as the bulldog on those jammies, she’s one hot bitch who could certainly give Krugs a run for her money.

And so we come to the end of the Launch Show, and the poor, drunk and disabled man’s Gretel shows us a snippet of two more housemates who will be sent into the house as a married couple, even though – shock horror! – they have never met and will only be given the brief the night they enter the house.

Rico reckons this will be rather interesting, unless they are put on opposite sides of the wall, because then they won’t have to fake any intimacy and where’s the creepy pervert fun in that?

Until next time avid viewers!

xo Flawless

2 Responses to “Big Brother Launch: Tully Hates Tim, Rico Hates Sharon; TaHAAN is Clothes-Hating Whore and Don Draper is 50 Shades of Hot Crumpet”

  1. Laura October 5, 2013 at 3:36 pm #

    You know these guys don’t choose their own outfits for the 1st appearance? They hardly even choose what to say. Everything is so produced. Boy, you are really harsh on the girls (not to say that you don’t have negative comments about the guys, it’s just relatively nastier towards the girls- ‘chunkers’ or not

    • flawlessvision October 6, 2013 at 4:28 am #

      Rico is distressed that you think we are harsher on the girls than the boys. I’ve been trying to console him with the notion that you perhaps haven’t read our Ed expose, but he’s just not having it so we promise to offer an even more frank assessment of the boys’ looks from here on in xo

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