Masterchef – Fingerless Michael and Lynton’s Worst Nightmare Bomb Out Of Barossa Valley Boot Camp

13 Jun


So here we are on Day 2 of Barossa Valley Boot Camp. Rico reckons this will have done wonders for South Australian tourism because who wouldn’t use up their entire allotment of Annual Leave for the chance to meet Maggie Beer’s oddly cyborg-looking daughter?

But let’s get down to the action! Day 2 opens with more footage of mostly-naked Daniel rifling through the girls’ luggage for his clothes. Noelene, who is scheduled to star in Wednesday’s elimination with Clarissa, is pissed because she’s stuck in the dunce apron until the challenge, and if anything makes her look like an emotionless Russian with a steroid problem, it’s black.

To the cameras, Pip says that Clarissa being out of the next two days of challenges makes her happier than a blowfly on a ripe corpse, but that she feels sorry for Noelene because she still thinks her stewfry was a winner, plus she’ll be the one having to make conversation with that speed-less bitch.

Over to the boys and Totem is saying that the boys are going to ‘cream the girls’ but then he takes to the cameras and says his words were spoken with thrice-forked tongue and that the girls are a shoe-in. He then adds that, really, he couldn’t give a single tired fuck because he’s in it for one person and one person only and it certainly isn’t that greasy, grinning fucker Kelty.

Anyhoo, into the Jeeps they pile and there’s some lovely footage of cattle and kangaroos and Daniel gushes that nothing makes him more excited to cook than seeing his ingredients without their packaging.

But hold on – they’ve arrived! And it’s some sort of farm and Faiza goes mad because it belongs to Maggie Beer and here’s the lady herself acting as the greying meat in a judge sandwich and sporting a coral cardigan and matching earrings. Rico reckons she sure does smile a lot, and he’d probably really warm to her if she’d only warm to a damn toothbrush.

But on with the show and it’s time for a bit of jawing which culminates in Neha coming up to give Maggie and hug and snarking that her tits feel faker than Daniel’s promises to call her when they’ve both left the show. Gary takes immediate offense and snaps that ‘of course they’re real’ and if she wants to check out something fake, then ask Matty P to unzip his sock-packed trousers!

Matty P rolls his eyes and mutters that he’s never had any complaints, but speaking of complaints: after today there’ll be another two people wearing black aprons and forced to make conversation with Clarissa!

But then it’s time for Maggie to demonstrate the sweet art of skinning a chicken and, just like that, her cardi comes off and her fingers get IN and before poor George can take his heaving guts all the way to the bathroom, she’s holding up the skin and smiling like an Amish child with her first cheeseburger.

But then it’s butcher time and our self-taught temptress takes a blade to the poor exposed chicken and Michael mutters ‘bugger me!’ because he didn’t expect there to be a spark, but now all he can think of is a fine dining restaurant and Maggie Beer bent over a table!

Demonstration over, it’s time for the task and it’s basically a boys vs. girls relay with each person getting 12 minutes plus one for hand-over. Problem is, only the first two will actually SEE the food and it’s up to them to paint a pretty picture that survives the fuckery to follow.

Speaking of fuckery, it’s time for the teams to decide their cooking order and there’s some immediate tension within the girls because Leathery Jules, Fringey Emma and Proper Lucy won’t stop talking and not even Clarissa-hating Samira can get a foul word in.

Over to the boys and Xavier reckons he’s ‘comfortable working with chickens’ because he’s forgotten this is a cooking competition and not Germany’s Next Porn Star. Daniel, meanwhile, puts up his hands as a pastry master which has Mad Irish Kelty rolling his eyes because there’s no WAY those washboards were built on shortcrust and who in FUCKERY keeps inviting that herd of zebras?

But it’s time to start and for starters, Lucy and Xavier, to get a look at the food! Rico breathes a porty sigh of relief because it’s a chicken parcel, not a terrine, and even though the frangipane tart has fruit in it, it doesn’t appear to have a hidden side of his nemesis the poached pear.

Outside at the cooking stations, Lucy is worried about the transfer of information, so she comes up with the simply marvellous plan of upturning the mustard and drawing alternate likenesses of Daniel’s penis. When Gary and George arrive and question what she’s doing, she says it’s important to give the girls something to buck their spirits and even though she hasn’t actually SEEN it, the outline through his towel has given her enough to go on.

Over to dopey Xavier and he has no interest in drawing Daniel’s penis – or reading the damn recipe. When Gary asks what he’s doing, he says he’s here to cut up a chicken not read the ramblings of some butter-mouthed bitch, and besides, his brother and sister parents never taught him how to read. Gary takes pity on him and starts going through the recipe and then says that he really should consider following the steps because, chicken love or not, does he really want to end up within groping distance of Clarissa? Xavier says ‘fuck no!’ and before you know it he’s dumped the chicken and picked up a hot pan.

But it’s time for the first change over and here comes Daniel who spends the next sixty seconds listening to Xavier bitch about why he needs a degree in fucking BRAINS to cut up a damn chicken and speculating over whether Clarissa will ever get a root.

On the girls’ side, Lucy is still going because the girls are a team member down and, after that Corgi story, no-one has the sacks to tell her to sit her ass down. But – uh oh! – she’s in trouble, because she’s cut up her thumbs and nobody asked for a gore reduction.

Back to Daniel and he’s making a start on the pastry and quickly showing why his pastry-genius was exaggerated to the power of whatthefuckishedoing! Totem comes in and while Daniel starts blowing word chunks, he reckons all he sees is a bench full of nothing and something that may or may not be pastry.

Over with the girls and Jules has come charging in and is immediately freaked out by Lucy’s white mime gloves and the fact that she’s gotten freaky with the mustard. To the cameras she complains that Lucy has an accent and that this is fucking STRAYA, not a multi-cultural society and where in sweet fuckery is the damn chicken?

Back to Totem and he reckons the pastry looks like shit so he’s going to wrap it in Glad, stick it in the freezer and forget about it. Rico reckons this is genius, and with this many dorklords featured on the show, certainly not limited to pastry.

But what’s this? Lucy, Xavier and Daniel are in a little back room with some TVs and they get to watch all the unfolding action! Lucy, who isn’t used to making polite conversation with non-royals, has no idea what to say and so starts babbling about her cuts. Xavier doesn’t hear her because he’s too transfixed by the strange moving pictures, but Daniel freaks out because the last time he had contact with a bleeding woman, his mummy quit washing his sheets.

Back to the action and the cameras have zoomed in on leather-face Jules. She’s pissed because the chicken’s untouched, and the only skin she wanted to be hooking her fingers into lives in Daniel’s trousers.

But it’s changeover time and Fringey Emma bounds in eager for instructions. Jules opens her gob and starts talking, while to the cameras she snarks that she ‘tried to think of what Lucy did and do the fucking opposite’. Next to me on the couch, Rico sucks in a breath and mutters that Jules might just be laying down a challenge for Clarissa’s Cunt Crown and that makes him happy because two backstabbing bitches are always infinitely better than one.

Over to the boys and Michael is up and for a while he seems to be going well, until he notices that those red chunks in the chicken mix are actually the better part of his fingers. Gore-loving Matty glides over and asks if he’s still going to use it, or whether he can pop that shit into a doggy bag and take it back to his trailer. Michael gives him the are-you-fucking-retarded once over and says of course he’s not using it, because if there’s one thing he knows about Maggie Beer it’s that she doesn’t mix her poultry with her blood-splatter.

In the TV room the boys are crushed. Out at her bench, Emma has heard the wonderful news and reckons this might be the bit of luck she needs to turn Lucy and Jules’ fuckery upside-down!

But it’s changeover again and this time it’s Rishi and beaver-faced Liliana! Rishi reckons that Michael’s instructions were about as useful as condoms in Castaway but Michael has no idea, because when he makes it back to the TV room, the other boys slap him on the back and put on a rather decent show of pretending they’re not praying for his death!

Over to Liliana and she reckons it’s probably too early to get the pastry out – so that’s exactly what she’s going to do! On the sidelines, Gary says they’ve both ‘lost the idea of the dish’ and Maggie mutters that this shit is going to be so ugly she should have just done a damn terrine!

But it’s another changeover and next up are Andrew and Christina! Back in the TV room and Rishi gets a lot of love and it’s at this point that Rico comments that the boys sure do like to touch each other and that maybe Michael’s night-wanking is part of a coordinated event.

Anyhoo, Rishi wastes no time telling Michael he needs to get a job working with foreigners, because at least when he sprays bullshit at them, they’ll think he’s talking about the weather. But then he turns his attention to Andrew on the screen because Andrew is committing the cardinal sin of chopping the chicken and Rishi told him NOT TO CHOP THE MOTHERFUCKING CHICKEN!

Christina, meanwhile, is getting the pastry into the tart tin and appears to be doing quite well. Rishi says that once Andrew stops being the world’s most unnecessary chicken-chopper, he’ll hopefully get the tart done. Cunty Jules says: ‘but isn’t yours still in the freezer?’ and then laughs so hard her leathery face busts a seam and causes Rico to mutter that there’s no way he’d store his change in THAT purse.

But then it’s another changeover and Lynton weeps country boy tears because he’s just learned that Andrew is gay and he isn’t prepared to trade knowledge for sex.

‘How am I supposed to know what to do?’ he complains to the cameras and Rico says he’s being a helpless little bitch and if Maggie Beer can teach herself to skin a chicken, then he can stop wishing for his horses and open his damn eyes!

In the TV room, Rishi seems to agree because he’s screeching for Lynton to open the fridge. Up come Maggie and Gary and, to Rishi’s joy, smack Lynton’s hands off the fresh chicken and say ‘here’s one your team prepared earlier’. While the boys cheer, Lynton whinges that this is all Andrew’s fault and maybe if that bitch had drawn some pictures in a spilled condiment none of this shit would have happened.

Next up for the girls is Neha and she moves at warp speed ripping baking paper with her teeth and causing Rico to worry that perhaps she doesn’t exactly tarry at the basin after taking a giant dump. She’s followed by Faiza and Faiza says she’s fretting because she can’t see what the boys are up to and Daniel could have his top off!

Over to the boys and it’s Mad Irish Kelty and he’s bitching at full tilt because he can’t see any finished components or the gateway to Zuul. He decides to work on the chutney because it’s something he can ‘finish’ and even if the worst happens and it’s the only thing on the plate, at least he’ll get the credit and not that strutty little rooster, Daniel.

Speaking of Daniel, he’s looking worried because Kelty has finished the chutney and taken out the pastry and it’s mushier than Maggie B’s cleavage!

‘Everything’s wrong with it!’ Mad Irish whines to the cameras, before muttering that he KNEW Daniel was crap, and just because he’d look good in a Spartacus costume doesn’t give him the right to cook with his dick!

Another changeover and now it’s Nicky and Pip! Mad Irish tells Nicky that the pastry is not going to work and before Nicky can even open his mouth, it’s in the bin and he’s being told to admire the chutney.

Over with Pip and she’s going on about wanting to give Samira only finished components so that all she will need to do is plate up and make throat-cutting motions at Clarissa. She adds that there is a time and place for a great chutney, but this isn’t it and, because of that, she’s going to put her back into making a sack of shit! But hold on – first she needs to check the chicken and, to her horror, it’s ‘way over’ and the only thing she can do is take it out of the oven and try and think of a way to blame Clarissa.

Back to Nicky and he spends the first eleven of his twelve minutes reading the recipe. When he’s done, he says that his ‘biggest concern is the chicken being well-cooked’ – that and avoiding the black apron because black makes him look boxy.

And then it’s the final changeover with Vern for the boys and Samira for the girls. Xavier says Vern looks very comfortable plating up because sweat is a sign of relaxation and those F-Bombs falling out of Vern’s mouth at the lack of dessert must mean that he’s confident of a win.

Luckily for Xavier, Vern can’t hear him because he’s too busy cursing the day these lazy fuckers were born and throwing a bunch of almonds in a bowl. He starts blabbering about the ‘fantastic’ Barossa Valley produce and that if the judges can just look past the lack of pastry and enjoy his attempts to suck up to SA tourism, they might just have a shot!

Over to Samira and she’s struggling getting the tart out of the oven because her fat fingers are like thimbles and nobody told her the oven would be HOT! She then takes on the salad dressing and, because she’s too lazy to wash a teaspoon, decides to measure using the tools of fuckery.

In the TV room Lucy is worried because Samira hasn’t taken the time to enjoy her Daniel Dick Three-Ways using the medium of mustard. As a result, Samira hacks up the chicken parcel and it’s only the sudden flood of juices that makes her change her mind and use the still-whole spare.

Lucy, who is now hoarse from screaming ‘look at the DIIIIIIIICCCCKKKKSSSSSS!’, is totes relieved and Rico reckons she’ll stay that way until she learns that Samira compared her mustard art to the my-mother-is-a-shoe-obsessed-cunt signs her children dab on the back window of their Hyundai.

With ten seconds left, Neha reckons that, providing their chicken is not a dry sack of shit, they have it in the bag because the boys are plating up the equivalent of a bowl of Sultana Bran without the fucking sultanas! Rico reckons, given the choice, he’d take cereal over that fruity horror any day – providing it isn’t Fruit Loops because that would just be taking the piss.

But time’s up and it’s the girls presenting to the judges first! But what’s this? There’s a fifth person at the table with a rather Noelene-ish flat-top and the kind of gravelly voice that Rico reckons would be more at home coming out the mouth of a bandana-wearing titty bar bartender. Matty introduces her as Maggie B’s daughter and then waffles on about the fact that she does something allegedly non-sexual with chickens and that that gives her the authority to judge because the old bitch slammed her trotter down and threatened to walk.

Anyhoo, Maggie loves the tart and says it looks better than hers. She continues that the overcooked bird is not that bad, but the chutney is a study in GROSS and the salad dressing tastes worse than processed nappy filler. Matty adds that the chicken skin is too rubbery to eat and if he’d wanted to choke on latex he would have snuck into Andrew’s tent.

Onto the boys and there’s a lot of love for the look and taste of their chicken. Maggie says it is ‘perfection of cooking’ and horny George reckons he wants to take it to bed and make such sweet love to it it’ll think it’s a dessert! Matty adds that the chutney and vinaigrette are also fantastic, but that the dessert is a joke with a punch line uglier than Clarissa’s face.

With the contestants gone, the judges then start bickering about whether the girls cooking a ‘complete dish’ with three shit components, beats the boys cooking three great components and a dessert that defies the laws of fuckery. Georgie is on the boys’ side, while Matty is with the girls – but it comes down to Maggie and because Maggie is heavily influenced by her labia-loving daughter, she goes with the girls.

The boys are sad and about get sadder because some names are getting called to determine the bottom two! Gary does the deed and summons Michael, Nicky and Andrew. He also calls Totem but then tells him to step back because he skinned that chicken like a pro and managed not to stab himself, or read too long or be so gay he made the cowboy cry.

Michael, Gary says, should work on being more piss weak because then he would have noticed he was bleeding BEFORE spreading his red love through the chicken – and for that reason, he’s going to elimination.

And then it’s between Nicky and Andrew and Gary says that while Nicky faffed around reading the recipe, he was the one to yank out the chicken, while all Andrew managed to do was traumatise poor Lynton, who is even now with his back against a wall clutching a God Hates Gays sign and a decidedly masculine crucifix.

Rico reckons this is crap and what about so-called pastry expert Daniel or the chicken-obsessed village idiot Xavier? I gently remind him that this season Masterchef is trying to appeal to the pretty people and, because of that, they can’t get rid of the model boys this early because who are the housewives going to get fluttery over – Mad Irish Kelty? Rico grumbles that Kelty isn’t so bad and if you put him in a line-up with six or seven pigs, he might even get picked out first.

The show ends with a beautiful preview of Barossa Boot Camp Day 3 which includes more close-ups of Jules’ saddle-face, a large selection of seafood and a rather unfortunate looking gentleman who could just be Noelene with a Hawaiian shirt and a handlebar moustache.

Until next time lovers!

xo Flawless


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