Masterchef – Dan’s Dessert Out-Craps Burnt Onions and Mad Irish Stew

9 Jun


So it’s the very first Masterchef elimination for 2013 and according to the start-of-show preview there’s going to be a few fridges, a little fire and a lot of Michael showing off his mouth-slug. Rico reckons he isn’t sure if this means Michael is going home, but that his tongue is really rather grey in colour and if he does get the boot he may want to consider getting that looked at.

The show starts and the Bottom Six are in the kitchen talking about the elimination. Samira reckons she feels ‘shocking’ and that it would be awful to finally get used to Michael’s snoring only to be kicked out and realise you’re going to have nightmares about it for all eternity.

Speaking of her family, here’s some footage of Samira at home. She gushes about how she’s doing this for her girls and how ‘they are my everything’ but that if those little bitches so much as BREATHE on her shoes while she’s away, she’ll skin them like sacrificial pigs.

But here come the red jeeps and it’s time to load in and head over to the MC Kitchen! When they arrive, all the other contestants are settled on the balcony with their throat lozenges at the ready so that they can spend the show shrieking down an avalanche of conflicting advice. From there start, the boys are hollering Dan’s name and Rico wonders if this is because he’s young and, therefore needing encouragement, or because he’s the slutty one who’s promised to choke on the most trouser turkey in exchange for support.

But here are the judges and Gary says that he sees the black aprons and immediately thinks the producers hate black people. Matty tells him not to be ridiculous and to check out the ethnic diversity on the judging panel alone! Rico reckons he has a point, because it’s well publicised that Georgie is Greek and that Matty was clearly fathered by John Travolta’s character in Battlefield Earth.

But back to the task! Matty P says the pantry is ‘stocked with items they use at home every day’ and Kelty reckons this information has relaxed him so much that he needs a Time Out to change his trousers.

With sixty minutes on the clock they rush into the pantry and find – shock! – their very own fridges and a selection of their very own pantry ingredients. Curry lover Neha and child-hating Samira have fridges so unadorned you could eat your dinner off them – providing said dinners were cooked by someone else. Michael and Kelty’s fridges are covered with photos of their families, Nicky’s with pictures of his fiancée and Dan’s with pictures of Clarissa – or his dog, it’s too close to tell.

The judges then waste some precious time talking to the contestants about their fridges and Dan explains to George how he shares with his uni classmates and his cooking at home is basically opening his fridge and scraping whatever falls out first onto a plate. George mutters that this explains a lot and then compliments him on the packet of Tim Tams which dopey Dan takes as a hint that he should cook with them.

Matty is with Samira and confronts her as to why her daughters are nowhere to be seen and she produces a dog-eared photo of a pair of shoes and tries to pass it off as her children. Matty then moves onto Neha who tells him she was raised by doctors and that her mum taught her how to make curry as well as perform CPR on the poor bastards who had to eat it.

There’s similar rubbish with Kelty, Michael and Nicky, but then, thankfully, it’s time to cook.

Their task is to make dinner and with impressive speed they grab their ingredients and rush back to their benches. Nicky is first and reckons he’s making a savoury Japanese egg custard because this is his fiancee’s ‘comfort food’ and it makes him happy to make her happy even though the messy bitch leaves bits in their bed.

Dan is doing dessert and the girls go so wild you’d think he was making it in the other Daniel’s image. The show then dredges up some footage of Dan with his Nan and a few packets of White Wings and Dan reckons his Nan taught him to make cakes because his dad was homophobic and that old bitch loved to send him home with pink food colouring under his nails.

Over to Kelty and because his liver effort was such a disaster, he’s decided to take his lack of skill to an Irish stew! But that’s not all, he’s also going to make a Soda Bread without the soda, because if there’s one thing he’s heard that Matty P likes, it’s food that tastes like utter shit.

Up on the balcony and Noelene is keeping her beady eye on Kelty because she reckons he’s a complete idiot. Totem shares her opinion – especially when Kelty succeeds in setting his pressure cooker on fire within the first two minutes. To the cameras he admits that ‘it’s not a good start’ but that he isn’t rattled because HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA!

That’s right, lunatic lovers, Irish Kelty is mad.

Over to Neha and she is babbling that she needs to prove she can cook a curry. She explains that when they were kids there was this egg curry that her mum used to have to physically shove down her throat – and that’s what she’s making today!

On the sidelines the judges are giggling about the fact that they’ve committed grand larceny and how the families at home are probably eating the furry mints from the bottom of their car glove boxes. Gary says that if they can’t manage to cook something decent with the ingredients they are most familiar with, then they’ll be a shoe-in for the next season of MKR.

Back to the contestants and Michael is doing fillet steak with a hollandaise sauce and every bastard on the balcony is convinced he’s doing it wrong. Michael, though, has a care factor of fuckery for anything other than his semi-ranga neck beard and while the safe contestants are bellowing from the balcony, he wanders off to the herb garden to find some garnish and fondle his penis

Back to Mad Irish Kelty and he’s dancing to Noelene’s orders and says she probably just feels guilty about giving him the offal. Noelene barks that he’s fucking delusional and if he wasn’t so drastically retarded he’d have given that shit the popcorn chicken treatment too!

Over to Samira and she’s cooking something from her husband’s native Egypt which causes the producers to show us a little ‘early Samira’ and Rico to comment that – sweet Christ! – would it kill her to wear a fucking tube top? I gently remind him that Samira’s choice of clothing probably has less to do with personal preference and more to do with her culture, but Rico insists that’s all just excuses and he’d bet his next port that the only reason Samira’s dressed in a perpetual tent is because she’s chunked it up since her wedding night.

Back to Michael and there’s gasps coming from his section of the balcony because he’s cooking steak without oil and none of these bitches can stand it!

‘Why isn’t he listening?!’ howls someone who may or may not be Jules and Michael snarks to the cameras that it’s all just white noise until one of those frigid slags takes her top off.

Over to the girls and they are still going wild for Dan – including Xavier who has strategically positioned his locks in front of the box fan. He’s doing a salted caramel chocolate ganache tart with George’s Tim Tams in some ice cream and Matty says that if he disrespects those biscuits it’ll be something to do with his dick and they’ll lose their G-rating.

Back to Samira and she’s talking about how her onions need to be ‘crunchy’ and that the best way to do that is to burn the living shit out of them. Jules – who doesn’t know that this is all part of Samira’s master plan – starts shrieking that something is burning and Xavier experiences a moment of panic that he may have sat a bit close to the motor.

Vern – who we haven’t been introduced to yet – reckons that Michael’s steaks are unseasoned and dry-looking so Jules again opens up her hollering hole and starts issuing instructions. Michael reckons he was going to ‘do all that anyway’ and Totem mutters that, if he didn’t know better, he’d say that they’ve just been bent over by a guy with a quiff perm.

Back to Kelty and Noelene reckons she isn’t sure whether Kelty is stone mad or dumber than a brick in a dunce cap. Kelty, meanwhile, has picked up that he’s still under Noelene’s watchful gaze and is giggling that it’s probably because he’s the lost Princess of Spatchcock and where the fuck is Tyrion Lannister?

But hang on, it’s time for his soda-less soda bread to come out of the oven and it’s crapness busts through Kelty’s insanity just long enough for him to realise that he can’t serve this shit! Noelene isn’t convinced and tells him to do a Jamie Oliver and break it into ugly-looking chunks, but when she realises it’s not even cooked, she throws in the towel and agrees that not even a dump-truck-sized Labrador would suck down this crap.

Fringey Emma, who has just joined Noelene, asks him if he’s going to use any herbs. He tells her he hasn’t got any, to which she replies: ‘Go use the herb garden like everyone else’ and Noelene mutters ‘you see what I’m working with here?’

Back to Michael and the balcony boys reckon his ‘meat is rubbish’ and not even Nicky would open his gob for that without an alcoholic incentive. Elsewhere in the kitchen, Kelty has just made it back in and as the clock ticks down to zero he manages to throw on a handful of greens and praise the Gods for the sweet gift of dancing leprechauns.

With the pressure off, a relieved Neha wanders over to Samira’s dish and says ‘what the fuck is it?’. Samira is unimpressed and tells her that it is her husband’s favourite and if she doesn’t recognise good food when it’s right in front of her then maybe that’s what happened with yesterday’s curry, SLUT!

Tasting time comes around and first up is Nicky. Gary comments that the weather outside is stormy and it might just cover the THUNDER in his pants because – sweet Christ – Neha’s curry is still fucking with his bowels!

But back to Nicky’s food and it’s basically a love-fest. Georgie says that ‘today the boy can cook’ and Matty agrees and says that, if they are lucky, tomorrow he’ll have mastered the exquisite art of the Japanese blow job.

Next up is Kelty and, utterly crazed maniac that he is, he’s still smiling, even though he’s served up a stew with fuck all to mop up the sauce with. Matty immediately wants to know why, when he had no bicarb of soda, did he try to make Soda Bread. Kelty says he did it because his asshole is a telephone line to Satan and that hot bitch kept him up all night with his hollering! Matty says ‘whatever’ and adds that with all those nice ingredients the least he could have plated up was a fucking croquembush.

On to Michael and this is where we see the grey beauty of his tongue as Georgie asks him if his family would love his dish.

‘Are you fucking KIDDING me?’ he snaps, before adding that his bitch of a wife has gotten all squirmy over Jamie Oliver and if he isn’t bashing tomatoes with a book end he gets the silent treatment over the dinner table and a bed made up in the dog’s box. Anyhoo, despite the lack of love from the balcony boys, the judges think it’s tops and Gary adds that now he knows Michael can cook, he’ll consider erasing that nasty poem from the MC toilet block.

Samira’s turn is next and when Gary asks her why she’s here the soundtrack guy jumps into action and starts piping in My Heart Will Go On. Basically, Samira says, with a teeny tiny tear, she got a bit sad after having children because the money she used to spend on shoes and bags had to go on nappies and motherfucking FOOD – but when she talked to her mummy about it, mummy told her that the best recipe for depression is laughter, and that’s why she turned to cooking.

When she leaves, the judges tuck in and Georgie says that the only thing more burned than these onions are the hairs on his asshole after Neha’s curry. Matty agrees and says that while her sob story was kind of sobby, she hasn’t got a sibling in a wheelchair or a debilitating stutter like that boy on The Voice and, therefore, bitch is in TROUBLE!

Onto Neha and she’s got every digit crossed because if the judges don’t like THIS curry her doctor mother will perform a bitch-slapping without anaesthetic! She needn’t worry, though, because the judges love it – even though she called them the three musketeers and left them fighting over who was the fat one.

And finally it’s Dan and his Tim Tam Surprise and the judges fawn all over him telling him it looks pretty and then the moment he leaves, the music goes all King Richard-rattlesnake and they get down to the business of being finicky little cunts.

‘That caramel’s rock hard!’ whinges Gary and Matty agrees and says the ganache is grainy and he’d say it was flawed but he doesn’t want to accidentally give those drunks at Flawlessvision a plug.

But it’s time for the verdict! Matty gathers them all together and says that while some of them got only sweet reassurance from their fridges, others got fucked HARD with a frozen log of dog sausage. Michael looks distinctly ripped off but then Matty announces that his was Dish of the Day and he has to rearrange his face from ‘sonofaBITCH’ to ‘oh goody’.

Georgie then takes over and says that while there were three amazing dishes today, there were also three that stank worse than Manu Fidel’s fancy French frog breath, and those were Samira, Dan and Mad Irish Kelty.

Because Samira’s already teary, George takes a moment to really take a blade to her ribcage by telling her he’s pulled less burned onion out of a fire pit and if her husband says he enjoys this trash then she really shouldn’t believe him when he says he’s working late at the office.

Kelty’s, he continues, was so boring he and Gary fell asleep and were only woken up by Matty having the mother of all tantrums over the lack of Soda Bread. But it was Dan’s dessert that went a step further than poor cooking and waged a direct assault on Gary’s dentures – and for that reason, he’s going home!

The boys in the background do some head-in-hand action while Daniel does a quiet fist-pump that he will no longer go to the toilet and get confused over whose hand is holding his dick. Tall Lucy says he was just like her little brother – and for that reason she’s glad as FUCK that he’s going so she won’t have to walk in on him beating off into a sock.

Dan is sad, though, and Matty consoles him the only way he knows how by lying through his merlot-stained teeth and telling him he’s got what it takes. Poor glum Dan mutters ‘thanks for the opportunity’, but the End Speech Now music is already playing and there’s an ugly production assistant waiting to escort him to his car because they’re saving the really hot one for Daniel.

Back in the kitchen and the girls are going wild because Gary is giving the boys shit about needing to pick up their game. He then breaks the news that ‘we are taking you away from all this’ on a romantic mini-break to the Barossa Valley and tells them to ‘get outta here and pack your bags’.

Rico reckons this is going to be like school camp with all the girls wanting to sit next to Daniel and Matty P being the creepy teacher doing spot-checks of the girls’ dorm without his pants.

The show ends with a lovely preview montage of kangaroos, camping and Daniel’s tits. Oh, and Clarissa covered in blood which the producers suggest has everything to do with Jules holding a meat cleaver and not just Samira hiding her tampons.

Until tonight snarkers!

xo Flawless


4 Responses to “Masterchef – Dan’s Dessert Out-Craps Burnt Onions and Mad Irish Stew”

  1. tarynnicole June 9, 2013 at 6:24 am #

    Loving, loving, loving, these… although sometimes it’s a little too scarily like being inside my own brain! xxx

  2. Funtclaps June 9, 2013 at 3:35 pm #

    Fucking brilliant I prefer reading your views than actually watching the luke warm dog turd of a show that Channel Ten presents CUNTS
    After tonight I think that Skeletor has been cleaning disgruntled Razorback’s back hair and should offer Hummers raged than attempt to drive around in broken down crappy Jeeps

    Posh woman is annoying ‘oh I served her royal queeniness and found myself sucking off her corgies for 50 quid, corgie cum sponge

    I wish you would start a blog on Today Tonight and Monica Testicles

    Cunts,cunts and cunts

    Also can you make mention to the cunt Michael who is from SA and currently is working with meat cleavers and barrels and therefore will be murdering people left right and centre whilst fucking them lamb carcass

  3. Funtclaps June 9, 2013 at 3:35 pm #

    Apologies for the swearing

    • flawlessvision June 10, 2013 at 1:15 am #

      I think ‘corgie cum sponge’ is my new favourite phrase xo

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