So here we are: after eleven weeks of sweating and vomiting and screeching and Margie trying to get back into the house, we’ve arrived at THE GRAND FINALE! But before we get into the events at hand, we thought it best to share with you the important discovery that Richard and Hamber’s last name is ‘Roach’.
Anyhoo – that’s right, obesity ooglers, tonight all our questions will be answered!
Will Todd be wearing another pleather jacket?
Will Moral Katie be thin enough for army-issue bloomers?
Will Richie have resorted to amputation?
Rico reckons if he were going to amputate something useful it would have to be Hamber’s head – not because she’s got a large brain, but because it’s weighed down with all those thoughts of burgers.
But hold on – here’s Hayley and – sweet lord of barely contained excitement – the show’s about to start!
True to form, Hayls is looking rather special in a long black frock and about four tonnes of bronzer. She starts with a lovely spiel about ‘generational obesity’ and how the teams came not only to lose weight but to improve their relationships. Rico reckons this is the cue to bring out Janet and Little K and – goodness! – he’s right, because here come the recaps!
But what’s this? A new star has been added to the Biggest Loser stable – a man who could be the size of Margie’s Tonka collection for all we know but who has the kind of dulcet tones that has Rico crossing his ankles and me wondering where in fuckery he’s BEEN all my life!
That’s right Finale Friends – It’s Voice Over Man!
Voice Over Man starts by spinning a tale of a fat mother and her blubbery daughter who came onto the show enemies and left best of friends.
Because look, friends, there’s Janet and Little K as enemies on the raft and Janet and Little K tethered on the mountain! Ooh and Janet and Little K at the cliff swing! And let’s not forget Janet and Little K in the bushes on the side of the road! And is Voice Over Man bothered that the very cream of their stabbery comes from the last week of the competition? Sweet lord NO! Voice Over Man wants us to know that these two have learned to listen to each other; to RESPECT each other.
Rico reckons the only thing these bitches have learned is how to beat the SHIT out of each other. That and that the producers only get hard for happy endings. But hold onto your knickers – here they come!
And – ooh! – Janet looks lovely in a defined shoulders/tamed head-poodle kind of way. Her dress is floor length and even though the style team obviously haven’t got over their odd blue fetish, it does make her look rather skinny – as does the rather lumpy accessory accompanying her down the runway.
Have the producers got the holograms happening again? I hear you say. Well, yes – but right now we’re talking about Kirsten.
That’s right, avid viewers, whether Little K has actually lost any more weight is a mystery shrouded in the ugliest dress this side of Hamber’s dream wedding. The top is tight and cinches off her upper arms in an alarmingly sausagey fashion. And the bottom – oh the bottom – short white with two long black panels that are probably supposed to be slimming but instead provide the illusion that just within their swishy depths are a pair of drumsticks that not even Big Kev could find fault with.
At the end of the runway out come the holograms and Rico mutters that Little K’s dress should be remanded after the show for crimes against eleven weeks of attempted weight loss because her ‘before’ looks horribly similar to her now and if Hamber’s anywhere in the vicinity she’s probably just peed in her control-top pantyhose.
Anyhoo, Hayley does her thing about how lovely they look and how their relationship is so good it makes Gerry and Todd look like warring drug lords in a prison shank fight. Rico – who genuinely believes he and Hayley would have ended up together if I hadn’t tricked him into the church with a leaking goon bag – is worried that all this crap will leave a foul taste on her tongue and if she happens to screw her nose up at the wrong moment, twitchy Rosemary might just bust her a new tampon storage facility.
But there’s no time to worry, because next up are the Greys! This time Voice Over Man has a tale to tell of a man basketball umpires across Australia called The Fucker Who Won’t Get Off. And here’s the footage of fat Brett on the court, fat Brett getting shovey with Shanny and fat Brett busting his arm and realising that his cast gives him access to a chaise lounge and the AJ Rochester’s old Burger Room.
Poor old Mandy gets a bit of a short shrift and VOM barely spares the lube-breath to tell us she only came on the show to keep Brett from getting frisky with any of the female contestants, when the doors glide open and here they come!
Brett looks… Like a very tall man who could stand to lose about three or four pigs. The style team have shoved him in a very dark suit and Rico reckons he looks rather disturbingly like the creature you’d expect to loom behind the front door of the Munsters’ house. Mandy looks sharp in the face, but she’s got a rather unfortunate case of arm-chutney and when she starts flinging them around at the end of the runway the cameras take a hurried step back.
When Hayley joins them Brett confesses that he THOUGHT he was a good basketballer before and he fucking WAS because he can’t make a jump-shot for shit in this stupid suit. Mandy agrees with VOM that she only came on to keep Brett’s flesh-coloured wedge in his knickers – but since she’s lost the weight her Personal Trainer husband has stopped making her ride in the boot!
The show then switches to a brief look at Todd and Gerry’s homecoming which features lots of happy-looking people and a rather confident Toddy saying he reckons he and ‘dad have got it in the bag’. Rico wonders if Todd means the win or something else entirely – because he for one loves taking souvenirs from his various trips and it’s not altogether unlikely that the thing stashed in Toddy’s luggage is three months’ worth of Natures Way Turbo-Lax.
But back to the reveals and now it’s time for the Blacks! But what’s this? The footage shows nothing of Mark’s famous spat with the lunch meat on legs known as Hamber, but instead focuses on his relationship with Chris and Shanny’s quest to touch-up his bird tattooed breasticles.
The doors open and Rico sprays his port for the first time tonight because – sweet lord of flower-shirted fuckery – what on earth is Mark wearing? Next to him, Chris looks normal, but poor Marky’s breast birds and now flying among the blossoms and his jeans are hoiked up so high you can hear his penis screaming for a snorkel! Hologram Mark has no such trouble because he’s egging on the crowd and giving us such a good last look at his cleavage ink that you can practically hear Shanny’s wrist action from the Green Room.
Hayley joins them and – ooh! – they’ve got new teeth! She reminds Mark that he was a delusional fucktard who thought he was fitter than Cathy Freeman and Mark replies that he just didn’t know what feeling good felt like and – sweet Christ! – he’s just lost the feeling in his dick! Hayley mutters that that’s a little TMI, but Chris – who is now Father of the Year – snarks that if she doesn’t want to hear about his son’s dick, she shouldn’t have shown up wearing prozzie pink on her chow hole.
But onwards and upwards – or rather outwards, because – that’s right Mellow Yellows: it’s Cher and Anita! Sweet Cher, says VOM, just wants a teeny baby in her giant belly and if not for the power of Anita’s love, she’d still be getting escorted out of Pumpkin Patch for touching up the babygros.
‘But Cher finally found her inner strength’ lies VOM, who offers not a single, oiled fuck that Cher was bleating to go home before every weigh-in, and it was only when the other teams got tired of the toilets backing up, that they granted her wish and voted her out.
But the doors are opening and sweet mother of awkward silences but you couldn’t change a tampon in this crowd without everyone getting shitty about the crinkling of the wrapper.
Unfortunately for poor Cher, the stylist who dreamed up Janet’s Head Poodle has been released on bail and given leave to pick up another pair of scissors. Rico reckons it looks like someone poured gravy on her head and then told her to let it air dry. It really is just a limp brownish puddle and because the rest of her has seen Brett’s three pigs and raised him 20, there just isn’t really a safe place to look. Her dress is a knee-length black frumper and as she hustles down the catwalk we see some sort of hideous foot tattoo that has no doubt seen more of Cher’s attention in the last few months than her salad crisper.
Anita, on the other hand, has had the full Carrie Bickmore with an added sprinkle of Farrah Fawcett. She looks blonde and flicked and brown and skinny and even though she’s in a questionably prommy purple gown, there’s no denying this woman could get a man’s attention in a bar without throwing up into his whiskey.
Hayley arrives on stage looking like she’s just opened the door to her classy party, only to find Richard dressed as Marcia Brady and holding a penis corsage.
‘Look at you guys!’ she stammers before turning to Anita and asking her to ‘sum up your journey’. Anita responds by saying they are still very much on their journey because she may look like Carrie Bickmore today but tomorrow she’s going to be Sarah fucking Murdoch! Cher says she is still at the beginning of hers because even though the start gun went off months ago her fat pinky just loves that snooze button.
The relief in the crowd is palpable when the show then switches to Richie and Hamber’s homecoming. Hamber’s mum does her usual trick of screeching like a One Direction fan and knocking Hamber over in her rush to clamber into the hairy embrace of her husband. But then things take a turn for the really hideous as we watch Richard take his Hamber-lookalike wife’s hands and ask her to sign up for Wedding Night – The Sequel. She says ‘yes!’ and I barely get the bucket under Rico’s chin before our carpet gets a goon and fish fingers make-over.
But next up for the big transformation is the Red team and the footage shows Sam busting a gut and Jess wanting to go home, but then staying because – according to VOM – ‘a message from home reignited the flame’.
Rico reckons whoever wrote that is snickering in his jocks because Jess is a ranga and – let’s face it – the most interesting thing about their time in the house was watching her roots grow.
But sweet lord of peroxide Jess is a ranga no longer because here she comes down the catwalk with her gingery best scorched by the fire (you see what I did there?) of a thousand Heather Locklear wannabes! Rico reckons she looks a lot like David Spade if David Spade had spent a year eating Hungry Jacks and had volunteered his mouth for a game of Rearrange the Teeth on the Donkey.
Sam, on the other hand, has the same hair and a slimmer face but is still carrying the gut of a work-shy public servant.
‘How amazing do these guys look?’ gushes Hayley as she joins them on stage, before feeding a bunch of words into Jess’ mouth and cutting to the next team before either of them can spit out a single ‘Richard is a cunt’.
Because, of course, now it’s time for the Heavy Weight Blues and this is clearly the segment Voice Over Man has been waiting for because his voice is newly oiled and Rico swears he can tell when a man is making palm-love to his penis.
‘One contestant’ VOM booms, ‘needed our help more than most!’
Rico agrees because Kevvy wasn’t just saddled with enough lard to sink a battleship, but a mother who could scowl the chalk of a blackboard, and a The Notebook-style love for Popcorn Chicken.
And speaking of the Colonel’s finest – where the hell is it? That’s right, ripped-off readers, the producers lead us down a merry path of fuck all with VOM telling us that Kev ‘changed his ways’ after the chain-holding challenge and ‘made himself and his mum proud’.
Rico launches off the couch and starts hopping from one foot to another because, if there was ONE thing he was looking forward to from this finale fuckery, it was the replay of Rosemary telling Michelle to take a seat at the dick table and EAT!
I’m also pissed because Kev’s sneaky rendezvous with a hot pan and some crumbed chicken filled us with sweet joy and brought TBL some serious ratings that, really, they should be bent over on all fours being thankful for.
Rico splutters that this is false advertising at its worst, and the producers’ quest for success stories is taking a giant dump on the beauty of Rosemary at her Rottweiler-faced best.
But the doors are opening and will Big Kev need a rechristening to Little Kev – or even Medium Kev?
Rico reckons this is bad news for the show but great news for lost astronauts who are always on the lookout for giant landmarks. He’s wearing a black suit that you just KNOW didn’t come off the rack and he’s adopted ‘the thinker’ pose which has Michelle bitching from the sidelines that no-one ever dropped their butt chunk doing a damn crossword.
Rosemary, however, is a vision – a vision of what happens when you go to Middle Earth and shove an Orc in a red dress and a pig down its throat.
The crowd are, literally, on their feet – perhaps because Kev has actually bothered to show up rather than just eat Twisties in the limo. Or perhaps because Rosemary is working her high heels like a walrus on stilts.
‘Wow! How much do we love these guys?’ gushes Hayley, before adding that she’s installed a safety switch on her tongue so that if her treacherous brain starts making cracks about the fact that Kevvy is still the size of a Hummer on steroids and smells like 11 secret herbs and spices, it will detonate and leave her with a mouth full of blood! Rosemary’s eyes start to narrow, but Hayley’s still talking – this time about the rumours that Big Kev should have been left in his bedroom to finish eating the contents of his mattress.
Kev does as he’s obviously been told (in exchange for his dopey blog and continued endorsements) by saying that Shanny was as sweet as his own mother and that, though Michelle was tough, he heard her dad was a cunt and she can’t be blamed for genetics.
But just like that, the Blues’ time is over and it’s on to a sneak peak of the Oranges’ homecoming featuring Papa Dyke, Junior Dyke and lots of wholesome Tasmania-style family fondling.
Back to the stage and now it’s time for the trainers’ montage and it’s all about man-up road and pussy street and Commando jumping of the cliff without his shirt and Commando pouring water on himself and Shanny – oh no, wait, it’s just Commando again.
And in they come and they’re all glammed up with Michelle in a red dress so tight you can see the Natures Way vitamins passing through her body, Shanny with a rigid and oddly bloated face and Commando dressed like Niles from The Nanny.
Mich gushes that it’s not just about weight loss but about these guys going home and passing on what they’ve learned to their fat families.
Rico snarks that the only thing most of these bitches will be passing on is Kev’s popcorn chicken recipe, and whether or not Richie washed his hands after taking a dump.
But it’s time for the eliminated contestants’ weigh-in and Hayley announces that the team with the highest percentage get to take home $10 000 and the knowledge that you can fit that kind of money into a child’s change-purse.
The Reds are up first and, just like all the rest, they’ve changed into their tight, black weigh-in best and it doesn’t take a genius to figure that these two definitely won’t be walking away with the $70 that’s left after the tax man runs out of condoms.
And, well, they’ve lost a bit, but Sam’s gut is even more obvious under his wife-beater and the tepid applause of the crowd can’t quite drown out the sound of Richie’s laughter tearing through his gusset.
But now it’s time for the Blues to grunt their way to the scales and even though Kev has lost 57kg, it adds up to a poor percentage and the still-chunky reds get to remain on the podium.
Hayley gushes that Kev has ‘lost a whole other person!’ and Rico snarks what the rest of Australia and all the creepy surrounding islands are thinking: that a 57kg person wouldn’t even constitute an entree for these ravenous fuckers.
As Big Kev and Rosie step off the scales, the cameras scoot over to his GF in the crowd who is simply going ‘wild’ with applause and flashing a set of teefs that would make a camel step back and admire its reflection. Rico reckons this is proof that the Dental Gods are vicious and that not even a nice girl willing to roll the socks onto her fat man’s ankles will be treated with kindness.
But now it’s the Yellows’ turn and Hayley tells them they need to lose 70.1kg to knock the Reds off the top spot! Anita manages 31.6, which means Cher needs to have done without the bacon for at least a weekend to make it count.
Which of course she hasn’t because, as Rico mutters, she needs her strength to lie like a slab of orca for her flimsy boyfriend’s pleasure.
Next up are the Greys and – ooh! – in her skin-tight gym-wear her thighs are barely touching and you can really see that she’s put in the work. Brett – who hasn’t so much put in the work as put in the pasta – loses 57.4, but Mandy is all the way down to 77 and their combined percentage sends the Reds back to the stables!
Second last to step up are Janet and Little K whose relationship is now so close they pash all the way to the scales. Rico reckons Little K’s stylist shouldn’t just be shot, but sentenced to a life shopping at Katies, because our foul-tongued friend looks MUCH thinner in her black skinnies and – sure enough – the Greys barely get comfortable before they’re kicked to the curb.
Janet starts squealing about how proud she is of her daughter, but Little K wants her to shut her damn mouth because she’s just realised that Janet is now thinner than she is and the chances that she’ll ever let her forget it are slim to fuckery.
And finally it’s the Blacks who, Hayley says, need to lose 101.5kg. Chris who– unlike all the others – has achieved the feat of looking fatter in his black ensemble than his catwalk suit, looks like he’s just swallowed a condom and doesn’t have a penis chaser. Mark, who made his catwalk appearance looking like fat Rusty Crowe at Brokeback Karaoke, looks much better and reckons that $10 000 is as good as in his bookie’s wallet!
But he’s cruising for disappointment because Chris’ jelly is no illusion and the Pinks take it out. In the ensuing pandemonium, Michelle gets a hug, horny boyfriend’s breakfast gets a visit from Little K’s tongue, and Hayley tries and fails to yell above all the shrieking to give the Blacks the total that no-one now gives a half-fuck for.
But now it’s time for the big guns and the crowd puts it back in their pants long enough for Hayley to introduce the footage for the first of the ‘superstars of the night’.
Rico reckons ‘superstars’ is a bit of a misnomer because what have these bitches really done other than fight against the fridge and engage in a little public vomiting?
And – ooh! – it looks like the Oranges are first because here’s the flashback of Robyn likening her fear of heights to childbirth and the close-up of Moral Katie’s teeth that really put butter back on the map. Next we see MK pre-show eating guacamole out of a bucket and listlessly clicking her way through military porn sites, while a pre-recorded Commando reckons he ‘saw something special in them right from the start’.
Rico says that he knew from the first time Moral Katie loosened her jaw and started hollering like a fire drill Principal that we were dealing with someone snark-worthy. But it was Temptation that revealed the true heights of Katie’s crazy and that anyone who could accuse a Malteser of being a loose chocolatey whore and rename Cadburys Cuntburys deserves a seat at his dream-table.
But hold on, the doors are opening and sweet lord of restricted intakes Robyn looks THIN! She’s wearing a floor-length red dress and while there’s a touch of gut beneath its sparkly folds, unlike Mandy, her arms aren’t endangering anyone in the front row!
But – oh! – Moral Katie! Rico’s port goes down the wrong way but when he finally recovers he’s adamant that MK looks exactly like that hot bitch in ‘The Hungry Game’, and that it’s a shame she doesn’t have that girl’s bow and arrow because then she could shoot Hamber.
On the sidelines, Junior Dyke is screeching like a middle-aged shopper at the Boxing Day sales and Rico reckons that if that red dress gets worn again it’ll be in front of a Hugh Jackman poster in this little bitch’s bedroom.
Up comes Hayley and, because the producers are still rewriting history, she wants to talk about how their relationship suffered the same ‘ups and downs’ as Janet and Little K’s.
Robyn snorts that Hayls needs to quit the all-mushroom diet because as far as she remembers, Katie never threatened to take out a fist loan in the bank of her FACE!
Hayley stutters, but then recovers to ask if it was Robyn’s humour that got them through. Moral Katie says it was important to laugh, because fear increases Hamber’s powers and what the hell else could drown out the sounds of Richard climaxing in the next room.
As they walk off stage Rico worries that he spent more time looking at Moral Katie than at Hayley and he really, really doesn’t want to have a crush on someone who wants to play with guns for a living.
Next up and it’s time for the Light Blues! Voice Over man is back and is telling a tale of ‘best friends who became father and daughter’.
Rico says this is the sort of sick shit he skirts over on Tasmanian porn pages, but that he has to hand it to Voice Over Man for making these two even less palatable than they already were.
Anyhoo, the Blue’s footage shows Richie and his simian companion on the couch; Richie bringing Hamber breakfast, lunch and dinner in bed; and Richie’s wife saying she wants her husband back – but that BL can keep that manky slug of a daughter.
Pre-filmed Commando talks about Richie being ‘the fittest contestant’ and Hamber having the entitlement of a Hilton, but the busted face of a vagina.
The doors open and I immediately feel a tiny stab of empathy for Richie because he’s got less meat than a unicycle, while his daughter is still as stacked as a tank.
The stylists have tried their usual tricks to streamline a dumpy figure by pushing away the standard rack and going for maternity, but there’s no denying she’s still guttier than an outback publican – even if Commando’s denying he’s the father.
Richie’s wearing a slimline suit and a loose cravat-style thing that has Matty Preston making furious phone calls to Channel 10. On the sidelines his wife is howling like a dog separated from her junkyard and Hamber’s sister looks like she’s swallowed one of Rosemary’s pigs.
Up comes Hayley and she reckons Richie looks like Daniel Craig in that episode where James Bond goes undercover as a giant dick. And as if the crowd isn’t already rolling in the aisles, Hayley then calls Hamber ‘absolutely beautiful’ and the show has to cut to a commercial break because not even Moral Katie could bellow over that much laughter.
When the show returns, it’s lucky Rico took the opportunity to refill our drinking receptacles because it’s time for the footage of Richie reproposing to his wife. Hamber says this is a ‘massive turn-around’ for their family because she for one had been hoping they’d split so there’d be one less fist in the Pringles.
The producers then treat us to a little montage of ‘King Richard’ accompanied by some rather happy music that has zero relation to the rattlesnake soundtrack we’ve been subjected to all season, and gives Richie himself less idea than a lobotomy offcut just how fabulously he’s been portrayed since his first burnt calorie.
But finally it’s the Greens’ turn and because these two have basically spent the show keeping their word, working out and not threatening to gut one another like fish, there’s little to enjoy other than a lot of sweating and Gerry getting an anal passage reconstruction thanks to the final leg of the New Zealand challenge.
The doors open and – YES! Toddy is wearing another pleather jacket! Rico reckons its blue hue suits his newly sharp cheekbones and his spray tan, but that he still ‘walks fat’ and he really should work on it so that nasty whores like us don’t have anything to make fun of.
Gerry is – dare I say it? – a disappointment. Rico reckons he expected Gerry to come out looking like the anorexic sibling of a Daddy Long Legs and the fact that Gerry looks little different from when he left is a sign that the New Zealand challenge not only added a third lane to his anal freeway, but also put the Y in Gerry’s pronunciation of ‘gym’.
Despite all this, though, there’s some mad woman in the crowd wearing a green feather boa who is simply losing her brain butter over these two, and Rico says that – win or lose – Gerry won’t be short of a queue to his love muscle.
Up comes Hayley and as she tells the crowd how much she loves ‘these two’ she gets all teary which makes mad feather boa woman’s lips set into a grim line. Rico reckons that although his heart is now with Moral Katie, he still doesn’t want to see Hayley’s face scrunched like this foul woman’s bog roll.
But hold on a second! This batty bitch is Gerry’s WIFE because the next thing you know they’re talking about his daughter and she’s sitting right there! Rico reckons this is terrible news, because not only is Gerry married to a woman who thinks wearing a feather boa outside of the set of Moulin Rouge is a good idea, but Hayley has declared herself an unrepentant would-be adulterer and if AJ Rochester could get fired for evading her taxes (read: being fat) could this be the start of her long-love affair with the Dole Office?
The producers must be finding this moment similarly awkward because – just like that – Hayley changes track to Todd’s bullying. Todd reckons that from now on he will just walk away, because if the BL house has taught him anything it’s that confronting someone eating a pan of popcorn chicken is a big fucking mistake.
Hayley then asks Shanny what he thinks of the Greens’ chances and he mutters that even if they don’t win the show, he’s sure their lawyers will be able to milk some sort of decent compensation from that Golden Ticket challenge. Commando says for the Blues and Oranges it will come down to how much work they have put in at home, while Michelle says fuck all because she’s lost all her teams and Tiffany is still laughing.
But now the time has come and the teams come back all dressed in black and all that’s missing is a baseball diamond for a Kill Bill-style knife fight.
The Light Blues are up first which, as Rico rightly points out, means they have a cocktail onion’s chance at a pensioner’s buffet. And of course, he’s right, because their combined percentage is 28 which wouldn’t have even ripped the $10 000 from Little K’s mother-slapping hand.
The majority of this percentage, though, comes from Richie and as he gives Hamber the I-knew-I-should-have-frisked-you-for-Snickers side-eye, she gives him the finger and says that if he really loved her he’d go on Survivor and win her a cool million.
Rico reckons this is actually a pretty good idea because what Richie lacks in give-a-fuck daughters, he has in spades in cunning and backstabbery. Plus the Michelle Bridges plan will have prepared him for a diet of seaweed and other contestants’ souls.
Next up are the Greens which – if other series are anything to go by – means that the Oranges have won.
Up they go and Todd looks worried – possibly because he’s just taken his eyes off all the screaming girls in the crowd to notice that his dad is still a touch on the pork side of the sandwich. Still, Todd has lost a chunk and their combined percentage is 34.72 which is easily enough to send the Blues into the comforting embrace of YOU LOSE!
But up come the Oranges and Rico starts gulping from an empty glass because Moral Katie is still looking like Jennifer Lawrence and – because Hamber’s in the vicinity – he’s still hoping she’ll pull out a weapon.
Hayley does her thing and announces that they need to lose a combined total of 86.5kg to make a $200 000 dent in Gerry’s credit card repayments. Moral Katie goes up first and – boom! – she’s lost 47.6! Junior Dyke in the audience is straining on his choke chain and when Robyn hops up to reveal she’s won this bitch by 500gm, he busts himself free and goes charging up on stage.
Rico thinks it’s super sweet that security don’t yank him away even though he’s slobbering all over the winners and looking dangerously close to opening a small, brown eye. But down comes the confetti and before long it’s just a tangle of bodies as the other contestants offer their congratulations and check to make sure the floating paper isn’t part of the winnings.
Over the roar of the crowd, Hayley tells us that the next BL is already in the works, and come 2014 our trainers will be tackling one of ‘Australia’s fattest towns’!
Rico reckons this is exceptional news because if there’s anything more juicy than shared genetics, it’s a couple of neighbours fighting over two centimetres of land and a barking dog.
And Rico and I can’t wait to meet her :)
Until next year lovers!