Ok, so after a sleepless night of Rico worrying about plastic-rash and the potentially unfair weigh-in advantage that comes with the sweaty side-effects of pleather, 7.30pm finally came around and we got to see Gerry and Todd in all their newly made-over finery.
The show starts with Shanny and he’s doing his level best to get us all lathered up again – but after the great chain-pull that was Monday night, I confess I’ve lost the thrill and when Gerry and Todd burst through the doors with their new clothes and cut hair and golden spray tans, my first thought is not: Wow! They look fabulous! but rather: Is Todd wearing lip gloss?
Rico reckons that’s not just lip gloss, that’s what happens when a Maybelline counter has gastro – or you go to a stylist and ask for a ‘Shannan Ponton’.
But it’s mirror time and first up is Todd to check out his new look and, sweet lord of exquisite fuckery, these bastards are using a SKINNY MIRROR and the Todd that steps in front of the mirror is reflected about 10kg lighter! Todd, who has no idea that the mirror is farting with forked anus, gushes that he ‘looks like a normal kid’ which squeezes some tears from Gerry and has the make-up team throwing down their contour brushes in disgust.
Speaking of Gerry, it’s his turn and when he sees his Home and Away face he shrieks ‘you’re joking!’ before adding that his wife’s always had a thing for Susanna Carr and if he looks any more like a newsreader, his wife will be dusting off her strap-on!
The producers choose that particular awkward moment to trot out Gerry and Todd’s family and there’s a lot of hugging and then asking for wet wipes because the make-up team didn’t bother with Colourstay and that shit transfers quicker than homeward bound Cher at the airport.
Moving on to the training sessions and Shanny is pushing the Greens and Greys through what he calls ‘Death by Squats’, while Commando Steve has taken Katie literally and has them shuffling on their guts across the goddamn Sahara! As Sweaty Richard grunts like his oinker offspring, Showered Richard drawls to the cameras about how he’s totes in an alliance with the Oranges and Sam side-eyeing his crown is going to get him on the fast train to decapitation. He further admits that the Greens are their biggest threat because even if Hamber succeeds in her master plan of spiking Todd’s smoothie with vodka and riding him like an untamed stallion, there’s no way he wants his future son-in-law sitting on more cold, hard cash than him.
The show then switches to the challenge and Rico mutters that that means Michelle’s training session involved four lounge chairs and a bad hangover – or she skipped it altogether to issue the sweet mother of all beat downs on that smug whore Tiffany. But if Little K and Janet and Sam and Ranga Jess got the couch shift, they aren’t talking, and they just load into the cars like the rest of the teams. And it is… Ooh! A big room full of treadmills! Robyn reckons this is her worst nightmare – except for that one where she’s got a throat-full of King Richard and Moral Katie bursts in on her and starts shrieking about the calories.
Speaking of Moral Katie, she’s already crying because Hayley made mention of a ‘special audience’ and she had it figured that it was family day. But no – it’s just their formerly fatter selves in all their cardboard glory and just when Rico reckons his eyes can’t take much more, the producers rehash the footage of Little K in her best Victoria’s Secret and we are forced to remember that somewhere on the outside is a teenage boy who smashes that shit front and rear.
Anyhoo, each contestant has to relive their chunkier days by wearing a vest that weighs the same as all the kilos (or in Hamber’s case, grams) that they’ve lost, and then outlast each other on the treadmill. Poor Brett, who is a giant, boulder of a man, has 42kg strapped to his titties and can barely get onto the machine, let alone walk at a brisk pace.
Little K, who is wearing a more modest 17kg, is exhausted from the start – as is Hamber whose tiredness probably relies more on the fact that her dad is Richard and that bitch would rather DIE than go down to a 15-year-old.
Every ten minutes the pace is upped by 0.5 of a km and at the 4.5km mark, Big Brett opts out and Gerry starts struggling with his heart rate. At the 5km mark, Janet is looking wobbly and Little K tells her that if she passes out, she’s got buckleys of being able to pick her own Mother of the Bride outfit and if she doesn’t harden the fuck up she’ll wake up in denim pants suit!
But it’s too late and Janet goes down! As Michelle holds her hand, Little K presses out a few tears because she was only bluffing and the thought of her mother even COMING to her wedding is enough to give rise to the eye lava.
Back with Gerry and he’s still struggling. Todd tells him that he’s ‘got this’ and that Gerry is ok to give up. Gerry does so, just in time to take a seat and enjoy the Hamber Show.
‘I can’t breathe!’ she wails as the speed goes up to 5.5. Rich tells her to grow a fucking spine and then pin a dick on it because, Christ woman, she’s only carrying half his weight! But she’s keening like a pre-orgasm porn star and no sooner does Commando Steve position himself at the back of her treadmill, than she comes flying off!
Over to Moral Katie and she reckons she’s feeling good. But suddenly she’s NOT feeling good and before Rico can even snark out a well-deserved ‘fat chance’, there’s a giant, citrus-coloured dump on the floor moaning about how if only the Maltesers in her head had shut the hell up, this would have been her challenge!
And suddenly they’re dropping like obese flies into a grease trap. First to drop is Jess, followed by Little K who falls to the floor with a hand over her eyes as though she’s Scarlett O’Hara surrounded by a pack of ardent admirers, instead of eye-rolling medics.
Then it’s Mandy, followed by Sam and shortly after the 6km mark, Robyn. And then it’s just Newly Hot Todd and Pubey Richard and Hamber is on the sidelines with a Snickers in her fist and a plea for her dad to win them Immunity so she can fucking EAT it!
At the 6.5 mark and Todd is struggling because his legs are not just too short for skinny jeans – but also for the treadmill! He alternates between a stride, a jog and a drunk stagger for a few minutes, but he just can’t and when he steps off, Hamber is a suddenly-agile blur of light-blue and chocolate wrappers all over her knackered father.
Richard barks at her to give him a massage and Robyn does her trademark slow-blink because she’s heard that word from Richard before and it usually ends in the Early Morning Walk of Shame past Moral Katie’s room. But Robyn’s not the only troubled contestant because Gerry reckons he’s had enough of the Light Blue-Orange Alliance and that Richard’s only in it for the money so he can go home and buy Hamber a Chocolate Factory and a set of Oompa Loompas.
The show ends with a preview of Richie Rich thirsting for severed heads and a bunch of rather scared looking fatties doing the Yellow Line Limbo on Sunday night.
Rico reckons if the Oranges and Pinks go under the bar he’ll perform acts of astonishing indecency on anyone who asks. Personally I think he should save his bribes for a time when the Light Blues don’t have immunity, because I for one would happily prostitute myself to a maths teacher with poor oral hygiene practices for the chance of seeing Hamber and Moral Katie in a Dumpy Duel to the Death in the Elimination room.