That’s right, lard lovers, it’s that time of the season where the show ceases to be about weight loss and instead becomes all about who can wage the most cuthroat campaign and waddle away with $250 000!
A tonne (pun intended) has happened in the last couple of weeks while Rico and I have been slobbering all over the remnants of MKR. A King was crowned – or rather a pube-faced fat man with the ugliest daughter this side of a blended scrotum. Said ugly daughter also took Temptation, despite making a pact with Moral Katie and threatening any who looked likely to gorge with elimination. Moral Katie spent her time in the food room lecturing the malteasers for their temptress ways and making it very difficult for the cameramen not to bust out a quick ‘bitch, that ass didn’t feed itself!’ Black team Mark didn’t take kindly to Amber’s deception and some words were exchanged which ended with a grinning Amber in the elimination room and the Black team on the bus to suburbia. Rico commented that he really hadn’t found Amber so diabolically unattractive until that little display of cuntiness, but by the end of the night he was claiming he’d be insulting a robber’s dog and a bashed cabbage by drawing a comparison.
The next week it was between Mandy and Brett and Elimination Room staples, Cher and Anita. Anita begged for her daughter’s sake and Cher muttered for the fiftieth time that, yes, NOW she actually really wanted to stay, rather than go home and practice making babies with her malnourished boyfriend. The other teams were tired of such talk, however, and the Yellows were ousted.
Then was the week where all the eliminated teams – including the Blacks and Yellows – came back for a chance to ‘get back in the game’. The Blacks won a weigh-in challenge, Reds, Sam and Jess, won a series of physical trials and Pinks, Janet and Kirsten, bickered and answered every clue incorrectly and still crossed the orientation challenge finish line first because they were up against two teams who wouldn’t have stood a chance against a leaking colostomy bag with a soil phobia and really shouldn’t have been filmed going head-first into a small hole.
And so, once again, we bid farewell to Cher and Anita and Big Kev and Gravelly Rosemary.
Back to the house flew Kirsten and Janet for the coldest welcome since Satan misread the bus numbers and ended up at the Pearly Gates. There followed some interesting conversations in which people fought hard to hold the biggest grudge and no-one was brave enough to ask Jess why in fuckery she hadn’t gotten her roots done.
And then it was weigh-in time and when Janet and Kirsten stepped up first and pulled some big numbers, it seemed certain that they were back. But then the Reds beat them by 100gm and Kirsten raged that if her mum hadn’t been hammering on the toilet door wanting to talk about her feelings, she wouldn’t have had to snap that last one off!
So with the Reds back in the house, the Pinks and Blacks were left to try and convince the other teams to vote them to stay. The Black team went straight to the Greens where Gerry gave a good go of not laughing in their faces, even though Todd looked like he had an overactive hamster in his cheeks and a matching one in his trousers. The Pinks went to Grey team, Mandy and Brett, and much to Rico’s delight, Mandy let her whore out of its cage and let Janet know what she thought of her ‘we will find it hard to make a good percentage’ plea.
In the elimination room and a lot of jawing went down that was meant to create suspense as to the outcome. Unfortunately for the producers, not even blind drunk Freddie was convinced and the Black team went down faster than Amber on her Todd cut-out and the Pinks were left to whisper ‘thank you’s as though they weren’t just the least spew-flavoured candy from the bag no-one wanted.
Our last view of Chris and Mark before finale night and they’re at the gym and in the park and Chris looks like he’s saved his Biggest Loser uniform, whereas Mark looks like he’s had a close-call with a razor and may or may not now be spending his down time hating non-white Australia and shopping for steel caps.
This week promises to be a gorgeous feast of bitchery and back-stabbery and I for one am just overjoyed that Janet and Kirsten have made it back in because their dysfunctional encounters complete me and – between Kirsten and Amber – I think it’s just a matter of time before Michelle realises how many zeros she’s got in her bank balance and gives one of these little hogs a complimentary snout-alignment.