So here we are in MKR Finals Week and tonight a giant, smelly Tasmanian bomb is going to drop on the Top 4 who are actually part of the Top 5.
Rico is still sad that Ashley and Sophia didn’t make it – not because his hatred for them has shrunk or anything, but just because he reckons at least one team would have had a conniption and that’s way more fun viewing than the back-slapping and hugging he suspects will result from Mick and Matt swaggering back in.
Anyhoo, our four teams are clustered in front of the judges and skinny Pete is saying that they’ve ‘fought tooth and nail’ to get where they are and that Napisan have done a remarkable job in getting the gore stains off their aprons.
Manu then cuts in and lights the fuse by saying that they’re ‘not the only teams ooh ‘ave been working ‘ard’ which promptly causes Luke to turn a bronzed shade of green and mutter for Scott to cup his hands because his guts are parting like the Red Sea.
Scott takes a hasty step back because he’s seen what happens when Luke tosses his gourd and he’s not interested in being the bearer of that particular brand of bad news. But before he can call for some sort of plastic sheeting, the revolving doors start revolving and here come our favourite Tasmanians, Mick and Matt.
Elle is shocked and says she doesn’t know whether to laugh, cry or start shrieking for a recount. Matt reckons they’ve ‘been through hell’ and have come back with fire in their bellies and a curious rash that he’s sure originated in Fergus’ trousers.
Skinny Pete invites Mick to regale the other teams with their adventures and Mick starts jawing about explosions and self-destructing and how through it all Matty’s been an obedient little bitch who only answered back the once and is the proud owner of a shiny new orifice as a result.
Sam reckons Mick needs to put a clamp on his dick because it’s spraying where it shouldn’t and Kitchen HQ hasn’t exactly been a gondola ride with a dusky-skinned prostitute either.
But enough of the war stories, because the battle for the semis is about to begin and one team is going home tonight!
And the brief? Teams have to create an Amuse Bouche which immediately gets Luke looking like the overly tanned Ken Doll in the headlights and has Dan snickering about Steph’s pubic hair and how that shit should come with a built-in scythe! Rich kid, Jake, though, knows exactly what it is because mummy used to pack them in his lunchbox and lawyer-up so he could eat them in the staff room.
‘So what is it?’ Rico asks, after all that. But luckily Manu isn’t finished and says that this challenge is all about showcasing their skills in a single mouthful and that the two who leave the turdiest flavour on his and Pete’s tongues will go into a mini Sudden Death cook-off.
Straight away Mick tells Matt that they should do sesame prawns because, even though it will be a mighty mouthful, the chance to dislocate Pete’s jaw is just too good to pass up! Matty agrees and says he’s never forgiven either of them for kicking him out of the comp and seeing Pete with a prosthetic cock-muncher might just be the soothing balm on his still-hot rage.
Anyhoo, as per usual Mick is cooking the main part of the dish and leaving his tiny son to fuss over a couple of chillies and a pot of boiled rice. Matt is loving his father today, though, and keeps raving about how much Mick learned in Comeback Kitchen because Fergus was a bigger bully than he was and it was minter than Minties to see Big Daddy on all fours. Mick reckons that all of Tasmania will be rooting for them – and if they can’t get a root, they’ll be choking one off from their lounge chairs.
Over to Luke and Scott and Luke confesses that he thinks the storeroom is so pretty that his brains turn to mush and he starts grinning like the village Sophia after a brutal massacre involving Italians. They’re doing what Luke calls a ‘Bondi surf ‘n turf’ with scallops, chorizo and some sort of pickled apple. Luke reckons the pickled apples are awesome and Scott agrees and says they wake up the senses better than a cum-shot from a lemon-obsessed vegan.
Jake and Elle are doing what Jake describes as a ‘stunning goat’s cheese and beetroot stack’ with a watermelon foam and a balsamic gel. Elle reckons they want to show a shite load of technique in this challenge and Jake agrees. Rico, however, doesn’t agree, and says there’s a time for watermelon foam and that time is when he’s dead because it would probably come in handy to soothe the burns of eternal hellfire.
Over to Dan and Steph and they’re doing seared beef with beetroot and Dan – who never loses an opportunity to spin like a pig in his own offal – is dead keen to get his kit off and play with his bone marrow. Steph reckons this is the sort of food they serve up at home and Dan says this is he and Steph on a plate, minus about ten tonnes of stretch marks and some poorly executed tattoos.
On to Sam and Chris and Chris is making little twill cones that Sam is going to stuff with tuna and some sort of avocado wasabi. Rico reckons this would be an awesome food for a kids’ party if you hate children and want them to spend the rest of the day puking green mustard all over the bouncy castle.
Over on the sidelines and skinny Pete and Manu are doing their usual huddle where they talk about the contestants and wish that the time would tick down faster so they can crack the seal on whatever bottle wasn’t drained on the limo ride over.
Manu says he’s been watching Mick and Matt and he’s impressed by their organisation and the fact that little Matty doesn’t seem to have any fresh hickies. Pete agrees and says Comeback Kitchen would have been tough because Mick has a reputation for hating on hairy women, and that Fergus is bushier than Kerrie’s T-Junction.
Mick reckons that today there isn’t a boss – just a joint effort between father and son that will, hopefully, result in an orgasm.
Back with Jake and Elle and Elle says she is unhappy that Mick and Matt are back because Jake is her brother and Mick is always making snide remarks about their lack of sex life. Jake agrees and says loudly that he hopes Mick and Matt get to show off their Comeback Kitchen skills to an audience of NONE on the ferry ride home.
Over to Dan and Steph and Dan’s meaty tongue is wrestling with the word ‘beetroot’ and giving Steph fond recollections of their wedding night. She reckons it’s important that Dan cooks the beef perfectly because if he doesn’t he’ll get all sweaty and squinty and their chances of getting a sympathy-cookbook will be less than zero.
Back to the judges and Pete is going on about Jake and Elle’s molecular gastronomy and that if he wanted to eat his food through a straw he’d take up permanent residence at a rest home. Manu reckons it’s clever and that Pete should shut the hell up because Pete’s idea of sophisticated eating is to spray perfume on a Zinger Burger.
Meanwhile there’s trouble brewing for Elle because toffee is her nemesis and the first batch is grainier than a beach-sex condom. Her second batch is better though and Jake gushes about how proud he is that she managed to put ingredients into a pot AND save the batteries on the smoke detectors.
Over to Sam and Chris and Chris’ twills are snapping and he’s worried that their dish will be fish and fuck all else.
Mick is also under pressure because Fergus taught him to taste all his cooking and he’s just realised his batter tastes like dick vinaigrette. Like Chris he’s got no choice but to crank out a second batch and slap on a happy mask so that his delicate little son doesn’t run his mascara into the vegetables.
Luke and Scott have everything in hand, but with fifteen minutes left on the clock, Scott starts wondering what they’ve forgotten.
‘The fucking FLAVOUR!’ shrieks Rico through a mouthful of Pringles.
Over with Dan and Steph and Dan has just managed to cook his marrow after an incident with some too hot oil and some darkening pit-patches. Steph urges him to calm down because Mick is back and who knows what those sick Tasmanians interpret as a come-on?
As the last minutes tick down, Pete and Manu have stopped talking about the food and started worrying about the perils of overspray.
‘The secret is to focus all your efforts into one little mouthful’ says Pete, which Manu says is bullshit because he’s tanked like a Hummer and the only mouth that could hold HIS load belongs to fucking Hagrid!
In the final seconds, Mick can’t hold it in any longer and starts raging at Matt to get on with the plating. Matty squeaks that he’s going as fast as he can and if his dad doesn’t shove the stopper back in his bitch neck he’ll grow out his hair and start calling himself Melina.
Time runs out and first up to the judges’ table is Jake and Elle’s and – ooh la la! – it’s prettier than Petey’s eyelashes and has Manu squirming in his cheek juice.
They say nothing, though, and as the other plates come out things get so awkward I half expect Dan to belch out a crack chorus just to break the tension.
Jake and Elle’s, says Manu, looked like cookbook food, but when he put it in his mouth it was like a professional chef fighting to get out and, damn it, but he hasn’t swallowed flavour like that since his stint in the prison canteen! Pete’s never been in the slammer but he reckons that shit is so good he stopped wishing for an eight-ball and if they keep cooking like this his scabs might have time to heal over!
Over to Luke and Scott and Pete has an oily grin on his face and the urge to compare the food to a penis.
‘What a mouthful!’ he gushes and Manu shoots him a side-eye because he’s heard the noises in the dressing room but Pete’s been denying like a priest on a porn site. Manu ends up agreeing it was a mouthful, but that the apple made him want to spit rather than swallow.
Of Sam and Chris’, Pete says the concept was super but the dressing was non-existent. Once again Manu agrees and says if you’re going to make tuna-flavoured ice-cream, then for the love of fuckery, don’t forget the Cottees!
The newly named Comeback Kings are next and Manu starts gushing about how much they’ve learned. This time it’s Pete who’s agreeing – until he gets to the rice which he reckons would never have passed muster in Fergus’ kitchen because it was blander than a bleached asshole.
Last but not least it’s Dan and Steph and Manu says Amuse Bouches are usually delicate and theirs was like a giant slab dropped by the latest Biggest Loser. It was, however, scrum-diddly and Pete adds that the bone marrow was the reason his mouth wasn’t sewn shut after that unfortunate incident with Lisa and Stefano.
Steph reckons no-one scrapes offal off his trotters like her piggy husband and if there’s a gold bib for achievement it should be strapped around Dan.
But the first of the three teams through to the semis is Jake and Elle, followed by Dan and Steph, and followed by a close-up of Mick who looks like he has swallowed a hairy Italian.
But after a bit of wankery it turns out that Luke and Scott are the last to go through and the Sudden Death will be a bitch slap of epic proportions between Smiley Sam and Chris and Narky Mick and his petite offspring.
Sam reckons they’ve got what it takes to send little He-man and the Power of Prickskull back to Tassie. On the balcony, though, Luke isn’t so sure. He’s watching them shove beef cheeks in a pressure cooker and, with only 90 minutes cooking time, he’s fretting they’ll come out tougher than a poor man’s mattress.
Over with Mick and Matt and Mick is pulling out that old turkey about Matt being the boss and him just doing as he’s told. Matt is either an idiot or has no long-term memory because, rather than delivering a massive eye-roll, he’s talking about how this is his mum’s recipe and – unlike Angela and Melina – his won’t make her tear out his listing in the family tree and feed it to the dog.
Anyhoo, his dish is a dessert and Matt announces that his first task is to beat the whiney crap out of some egg whites to get his father in the mood. Mick reckons this is a top idea and says that one of the things they have learned is to keep their portions small so the beatings last longer.
On the balcony, Dan reckons that Mick and Matt are working in perfect harmony. Steph agrees and says they’ve really stepped up their communication and if that’s what comes from spending three nights in Belfast dodging a vicious drunk armed with a whiskey bottle then sign her up!
Back downstairs and Sam is acting jumpier than Rico outside a bottleshop. He reckons that the beef is a waiting game and while he’s waiting he’s going to give his fingers a tooth manicure until he strikes bone.
Luke is still watching him and reckons there’s something weirder going on than their salmon beating out the Asian’s pork. Pete and Manu are also concerned, but Chris reckons Sam just needs to snap out of it and remember that this is about getting rid of the Tasmanians, not fuelling their boat to the finals!
Speaking of Mick all this talk of semis has him feeling hornier than a deprived rhino and he reckons now is the time he and Matt expand their repertoire. Matty tells him to keep it together and that if he’s in the mood for experimenting then get a gob-full of this sour cream side crap!
As time ticks down Sam starts to perk up because he’s got his hands in some pasta dough and he reckons they’re onto a winner! On the balcony, Elle reckons that watching them is pure torture because no matter how many times she’s shoved her pork sticks into a pair of white skinnies, Sam just refuses to glance her way!
Back with Mick and Matt and Matty has succeeded in distracting Mick from his quest for a root by forgetting what time he put the cakes in the oven. Mick immediately switches over from toey to pricky and starts barking at him to keep checking because – sweet mother! – those three days with Fergus’ dick in his back better not have been for nothing!
With ten minutes to go Sam and Chris have their beef cheeks out and are busting out the pans to reduce the sauce. Manu reckons they look like headless chickens and if they don’t serve up something decent he’ll place a call to the Colonel.
Time runs out and Chris reckons they’re so buggered he’ll be placing the order for a colostomy bag. Mick is thrilled with the look of their dessert and says they made their portions smaller because Fergus is not a fan of leftovers and it’s not like Dan and Steph are at the table.
Speaking of the table, it’s filling with judges and when the plates are brought out Guy gets so excited by the look of the beef cheeks that Manu has to slap him and tell him to get a hold of himself.
Tasting begins and there’s plenty of eyebrow raising and close-ups of Blondie’s smoker’s lip. No-one’s talking, however, and it’s not until the last scraps are being thrown to Manu’s girlfriend that the judgement actually begins.
Sam and Chris are up first and there’s a lot of favourable crap about the cooking of the beef. Fergus agrees but says the presentation was crap because the ravioli looked like a beret and French people and all their fashions should be burned at the fooking stake!
But then it’s Mick and Matt and after the first comment it’s clear they have this in the bag. Blondie says she’s not much of a dessert eater because she likes to feel her ribcage through an overcoat. Fergus gets oddly flirtatious and asks if they’ve met before, before saying that their three days of pain have paid off in the form of something that isn’t just incest on a plate.
At the end of scoring Tasmania’s in full party mode because Andre the Giant Prick and his itty bitty boy are through to the semi-finals.
Mick says ‘how proud can a father be?’ to which Rico snarks that we have no idea because we’ve never seen him be anything other than an overbearing helmet on legs.
Smiley Sam is still smiling but he’s teary too because he’s got the mother of all gut aches and, for once, it’s not because of something Chris cooked.
Skinny Pete tells them they asked for consistency and ended up with fuckery, but not to worry because there’s a dartboard in the greenroom and he’ll let them take that home if they promise to get the hell out of his kitchen.
Jake reckons he is ‘so sad to see them go’ because Sam was his chance to get rid of his clingy sister and there’s no point looking to Luke or Scott because those bitches are pickier than a lice comb and Elle’s thigh meat needs its own agent.
The show ends with Pete announcing that the Beefcakes will be going up against Dan and his bacon-faced bride, while Prick and little Matty will be taking on Jake and his cellulitey sister.
Rico reckons he’s rooting for Dan and Steph because they’ve never tried to cook with quinoa and he’d quite like a lardy bogan to take it out. Personally, I’ll be saving my fist pumps for Jake and Elle in the hopes they knock Mick’s ass out before he has the chance to strut like a bloated pig into the finals.