Super-size week turned out to be super FUN! Not only did we get to see Katie spew and Todd stack on a little jelly, but the whole lot of them got tossed off the side of a building and put through the mud-wringer in the Spartan Challenge- and I’m pretty sure one of the club-swingers was Matty Newton fresh from rehab!
Oh and we got some training fun with last year’s winner, Margie, as well and, even though she’s definitely chunked it up since her win, it was her training session that made Katie overdraw from her gut account and for that I give her a high five!
Anyhoo, abseiling down a skyscraper was all fun and games – especially for Kirsten, Anita and Cher who decided to pass and go for a burger instead. Of those who actually did it, we saw Gerald stain his panties with the brown-trouser ointment for descending a little too fast and, in what was clearly some sort of miracle, Amber actually took the dive with nary a whinge!
Rico reckons she probably had a chunk of Snickers in stuck her throat, but I personally think that she was hoping that several chunks of Snickers might be stashed in the Letter From Home awaiting her at the bottom.
Robyn – who actually has a major height phobia – could only bring herself to go over the edge as the meat in a Katie and Commando sandwich. And Commando – who admitted he likes to see the fear on people’s faces – went home that night a supremely happy man.
As I mentioned, the reward for all this tomfoolery was, of course, the famous LFHs and the funniest moment by far was when Anita and Cher realised they weren’t going to get theirs just for parking at the drive-thru and would actually have to burn a calorie or two.
The actual letter-reading session held its usual mix of tears and awkward moments. Richard’s letter was addressed to ‘dick’ and contained a photo of a woman who looked uncomfortably like Amber in an off-the-shoulder top.
Kirsten’s dad threw her a finger by gushing that Janet was ‘the most important person in my life’ and cemented the view that Little K is really just a nasty little brat that not even a daddy can hug without a Biohazard suit and a pint of enabler.
We then moved on to Toddy and Gerry’s Fridge prize – the secret mid-week weigh-in. Gerry told Commando that they’d been ‘spot-on with food’ – completely unaware that, next to him, Todd was looking greasier than an oiled-pig. And – surprise surprise – Toddy gained 0.7 kg though he denied doing a Big Kev and making the midnight pilgrimage to the land of Popcorn Chicken.
Of the weight gain, Commando reckoned was probably just bad luck. Rico agreed and commented that the odds of getting shoved on the scales right after clearing the buffet of the last of its bacon should have been too long to worry about.
Anyhoo, then it was all about the Spartan Challenge which – according to Hayley – is the most gruelling obstacle course on the planet with mud and water and nets and crabby little bastards frocked up like Rusty Crow in Gladiator.
Gerry and Todd take it out, of course, but the real excitement comes from Cher thinking she’s playing World Cup football and throwing her lardy guts to the ground in a dramatic show of faux injury that has Shanny rolling his face balls into the next century.
As a result, Anita joins the ranks of Mandy whose son, Brett, managed to pull a muscle in the gym after a heavy night of self-love, and has therefore also left her to slog it out alone. It’s no surprise that these two end up last and second last and get saddled with an exciting half-kilo weight penalty going into the next weigh-in.
And speaking of: it’s show time!
We kick off with Michelle’s Last Chance Training starring the pinks, greys and blacks. Michelle reckons Kirsten has ‘turned a corner this week’ and Kirsten agrees saying that she’s realised it’s ok not to jump off the side a building and that learning to forgive herself and move on has been her focus. Well, that and telling her mum to get fucked and stop touching her in the Spartan Challenge!
Over with Shanny and he’s giving Cher and Anita ‘the talk’ which basically involves telling Cher she’s no Oscar contender and to stop balancing her chins on her crutches. He reckons this training session is all about earning their letters and Cher immediately slumps onto a chair and starts yanking ineffectually on a couple of ropes.
Shanny is pissed – Cher’s wearing her ‘I don’t want to’ face, yet again, and he wants her as desperate to stay in the house as she is to birth out some children.
Rico reckons Shanny needs to calm down because, if he actually succeeds, there’ll be another series of dumb kids on the planet that he won’t be legally able to run over.
Anyhoo they end up getting the letters and while Anita’s is rather sweet, Cher’s stick-insect boyfriend throws out such barf-worthy gems as ‘key to my heart’ and ‘I’ll love you as long as we’re both breathing’ which makes Rico spray back into his wine bucket and suggest that, if Cher’s not a fan of missionary, he won’t be sucking down the O for long.
For some reason the Commando is absent from any sort of LCT and the show trots straight over to the big event. Kirsten reckons she is totes excited because, unlike previous weeks, she actually broke into a sweat this week, even if she didn’t blow the mega chunks like Katie.
Richard somehow intuits that ‘someone is going home’ but says that it better not be him and Amber and, just as Rico is about to snark something about the rest of Australia feeling slightly different, Hayley appears in another pink dress and he goes into a temporary goon swoon.
First up are Greens Todd and Gerry and, because they won the race, they’ve got a 1kg advantage. But – uh oh- what’s this? Todd’s shame is being broadcast to the other contestants and if these bitches can’t eat food they’re going to gorge on glee!
Hayley asks Todd if they’ve ‘turned it around’. Todd says he has no idea but if she keeps wearing hot shit like that, he’ll start forgetting he’s a minor.
And they’re ok – Gerry ditches a nice 3.9 and Todd manages 1.8, and with their plus-one their percentage is going to be hard pressed to fall under the yellow limbo bar.
Next up are the blacks and I notice something even more shocking than the suddenly cocoa colour of Chris’ skin. That’s right perving pals, Little K has a thing for young Mark and her rather unsubtle head-to-toe-and-then-back-again assessment is now part of Australian TV history!
Rico reckons it’s those bird tats and that he can’t take his eyes off them even if it means spending most of the show ogling another man’s tits!
At the end of it, though, the Blacks do good, and if Chris has been sneaking a little of Shanny’s spray tan out of his locker then Rico reckons all power to him.
And the Pinks are next and here’s Janet throwing some sugar on her bratty offspring by gushing about how Kirsten made an appearance at the gym and only swallowed two-thirds of her Magnum.
Kirsten says she is excited and can’t wait to see the numbers and when a measly 1.2 jumps on the screen it takes her a good five seconds to remember that it’s shit.
‘This isn’t a computer game!’ comforts Michelle from the sidelines, before adding that, unlike The Sims, that pizza you shove down your froat actually has calories. Janet, who’ll take any opportunity to sling a fat arm around her daughter and hiss ‘that’ll teach you to call me a hypocrit’, does just that and Little K – sensing the yellow line rearing up from behind, starts bleating about how she needs to be here because at home she’ll have to pay for a personal trainer and she might actually have to be nice to her mum in order to get enough scratch!
Next up are Light Blues, Richard and Amber, and Amber is looking forward to being under a hundred kilos because then she can relax a bit and enjoy the occasional vat of butter.
They do pretty well with 2.5 and 2.1 and Michelle sprints over to give Amber a hug. When she’s done, Richard leans in for his but is shocked to find that Mich has no intention of grappling with his furry carcass and he realises he’ll have to go back to making my-daughter’s-a-cunt-too eyes at Janet.
Next up are Greys, Mandy and Brett. They’ve got a half kg weight penalty because Mandy couldn’t shift her can fast enough in the mud slick and Janet only felt like talking about helping her because that meant she didn’t really have to. They manage 2.5 and 4.9 and the half kilo makes about as much difference as one of Shanny’s pep talks and they’re nice and safe in second place.
Janet is concerned and nudges Little K, but her mercenary daughter – who still doesn’t like her mother touching her – tells her not to worry because the yellows are next and that Cher is lazier than Amber on smack.
Hayley tells the Yellows that they need to lose just over 5kg to shove those pink bitches under the line of shame. Cher starts gabbling about how, once again, she has had a revelation and has realised she doesn’t want to go home.
Rico reckons it’s possible that letter from her runty BF has scared her off. I think he’s dreaming but then he says that BF called her ‘baby girl’ and maybe that was the first time and she’s freaked that when she gets home he’s going to want to strap her ass into a giant Huggies.
But Cher can breathe easy because, they’ve done it! Not by a huge margin, but it’s enough to destroy Little K’s hopes of brandishing the elimination sceptre once more and as she starts to wail about the temptations of home, Black team Mark lays a chubby paw on her shoulder and lets her know he’s got a giant temptation in his pants and all she needs to do is unzip it.
Little K hasn’t got time for flirtation right now, though, because she has a knife in her claw and a fat yellow back to stick it in and wastes no reminding the Yellows of their shite performance the week before.
Next up are Oranges, Robin and Katie. Robin has grown on us this week partly because she seems to have a sense of humour and partly because she doesn’t seem to have the genetic material that makes KT such a giant, bellowing baby.
Pink Janet reckons the Oranges will be this week’s BLs because Kirsten broke into KT’s room and stole all her Kit Kats. Hayley tells them they need to lose 4.5 to send the Yellows into the showdown but – oh no! – they’re not even close!
Robin loses 1.5 while KT does 2.3 and before you know it the producers have cranked out that old rattlesnake soundtrack and Amber and Kirsten are both smirking behind their hands.
Katie’s nostrils start flaring so Hayley decides now is a good time to poke the rabid dog in the balls by asking her if she’s ok.
‘Fine!’ says KT in a tone that has men around Australia sitting up straight and sensing that she might not actually mean it.
And then she blows because she’s ‘worked so friggin’ hard’ and it just ‘isn’t fair’.
Rico agrees and says he was thrilled at the prospect of the Yellows against the Pinks because who’s going to send someone so obviously in need of help AND pathologically lazy home?
The week’s Biggest Losers are Gerry and Todd again and, while they celebrate, Mark takes the opportunity to sneak in one last fondle.
Rico reckons if he was one of those bird tattoos he’d do whatever he had to to fly south for the winter and avoid what could be the merging of two great, white continents.
Of the others, Amber puts her usual half-assed-ness into the ‘this is my worst case scenario’ dance and Janet admits that she didn’t eat dinner so that litre and a half of West Coast Cooler has gone straight to her head.
‘I’m trashed!’ she slurs. ‘I’m trashed for them, I’m trashed for us!’
Rico shakes his head and wishes her a better hangover than the one he’s destined for in the morning.
After a fun-filled commercial break we find the Pinks and Oranges looking glummer than a fruit platter at a kids’ party. In come the voters for the night and – much to Little K’s horror – it’s all the damn parents!
Rico reckons she’s screwed because she’s put all her time into flaying the metaphorical flesh off her mum’s back with the other offspring and now there’s not an approving eye in the house!
But bitch is quick and within seconds she’s making teary eye-contact with as many of these old gobblers as she can and hoping against hope that KTs bellowing is still ringing in their ears.
And then there’s a genuinely touching moment between Robyn and KT where Robyn admits that, in trying to help, she’s only succeeded in making KT’s problems worse. KT opens the floodgates and, despite the fact that her crying is scarier than Rosemary in thigh-highs and a dog collar, neither Rico nor I have the stomach for anything snarkier than ‘stop wiping your eyes on the goon bag’.
But – oh dear – Janet is now going on about being jealous of Robyn and KT and how she wants a closer bond with Kirsten. Richard asks Little K if she’s going to be nicer to her mum and, seeing an opportunity, Kirsten starts blubbing and swearing that, if they stay, she’ll get her mum’s face inked on her ass and how’s THAT for close!
Voting starts and Chris reckons that ‘If I voted with my heart I wouldn’t be able to vote at all’ and, just like that, the Orange team have their first hot potato.
Anita comes next and says she’s ‘going with my gut’ because it’s hungry as a motherfucker and Little K has promised to sneak her some Samboys.
Next is Grey Mandy who says she’s ‘gone with my heart’ and her heart – not to mention the rest of Australia – is saying Little K is a mother-hating whore bag.
Richard also throws one to the Pinks, but not before he tells Robyn she is his best friend in the house and that Janet turns his guts just like his Amber-lookalike wife.
And so it all comes down to Gerald who starts off giving Little K a serve about spraying cunty water out of her mouth faucet when she could be telling her mum she loves her. He then tells Katie that she’s too inconsistent and that there are times when he thinks she’s going to whip it all out, but then she just leaves her top on!
All said and done, though, he’s sending home the Pinks!
And there’s tears and heads on tables and all kinds of genuinely UNmoving antics. Little K starts dribbling about how she’s learned so much from her mum and that if she’s ever on TV again she’ll be on one of those cool shows like Big Brother where the ‘mum and daughter’ thing has been done and she won’t have to drag the old boiler along.
She then says that her mum only wants what’s best for her and, as that’s a Ferrari and a holiday in Thailand, as soon as they hit the suburbs she’ll have her fat hand out for some cash!
Janet blubs how that’s ‘the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me’ because she didn’t tell her to drop dead and the only c-word she used was ‘cash’! Hayley says she is happy for them and then urges them to go home and make the most of the opportunity to tear each other to shreds in private.
Cut to four weeks later and Kirsten’s dreams have come true because, not only has Janet plumped up the dough for a shopping trip, but she’s keeping her fat mouth shut! Ooh and they’re also going to the gym together – again because Janet is probably paying for it and if she doesn’t go with the old bitch she’ll be back to doing leg-ups in front of a Denise Austin video and yelling at her dog to stop rooting the remote.
The show ends with a shot of Little K in a dress and a pair of truly awful faun-coloured hoof-covers that will probably have the BL makeover team waking up in a cold sweat.
Rico reckons there’s nothing wrong with a pair of chunky white stems in high-heeled booties – providing they don’t violate the 100km Restraining Order.
But oh what’s this? That’s right my brave little bingers, looks like Temptation’s back on the cards this week and by the sounds of what’s hollering out of KT’s gob, someone’s going to have themselves a little treat!