Rico hates Broome. He says that everyone reckons it’s just this holiday fairyland but the reality is that it’s a hot sack of flyblown shit and if the previews of tonight’s show are anything to go by, he’s about to be proven right!
But before we get too sidetracked – here’s Pete and Manu and in salute to the soaring temperatures Pete has gone a slightly browner shade of orange and Manu is wearing some sort of lounging pajama.
Pete says today is all about outstanding fishing ‘wildwest style’. Manu perks up immediately – he heard all about the Masterchef the Professionals episode where Marco discovered just what that fineprint in his contract really meant, and Matt went home whistling the theme to Brokeback Mountain.
It is, they say ‘a challenge with a difference’. But it turns out they’re just lobbing the turd ball and hoping somebody grabs it, because this whole catching fish and then cooking thing has been done before and I’m pretty sure even that sweaty little git Huey has managed to bore us to fuckery with it.
Oh, but hang on. They’re not actually cooking what they catch – best catch just means the pick of ingredients and getting to decide who ends up with the whale scrotum or whatever other foul ingredient is usually floating at the bottom of the porcelain.
‘You’ll be dealing with extreme elements’ continues Pete, and everyone rolls their eyes because they’ve been dealing with extreme elements for weeks and their names are Ashlee and Sophia.
‘One last thing’ offers Manu, before revealing that this area is croc-infested and it’s probably not a wise idea to ditch their knickers and go for a paddle.
Kerrie looks speculatively at her flubbery wimp of a husband and mutters that if he doesn’t haul some decent sized ass out of that water, she’ll be offering him up as a croc’s fat lunch.
So off they go on the boats and Joanna reveals she’s married to a fisherman so if she stuffs this challenge theres a fair chance hubs will use her face for his next bait. Jenna has no idea what fishing is, but she’s wearing a pink visor and the water is nice and sparkly so maybe they’ll catch a unicorn!
Asians Ashlee and Sophia are getting friendly with their boat captain – Greg. Ashlee by actually being nice to him and Sophia by telling him she’s a ‘dictator’ and that if he doesn’t take them to the fish, she’ll create the perfect storm of fists in his face.
Over with Dan and Steph and Dan reckons he wants to be the team with the heaviest catch. Rico gives me a did-he-just-say-that-out-loud look and then snarks that if they fail to catch by genuine means, all Steph has to do is tip his fat ass into a net and pass him off as a dugong.
Back to Kerrie and Craig and Kerrie reckons everyone should say a prayer because apparently there’s a new Pope and that bitch hasn’t acknowledged her as God yet.
But hold on! Sam and Chris have caught a mudcrab! Sam reckons that mudcrabs are the way to go for a heavy catch and Jake and Elle look like they agree because they’ve just hauled one giant mother out of the water.
Winning aside, though, Jake is horrified. He’s managed to avoid crabs since that time in Brazil and he was looking forward to cooking not flipping through old Woman’s Days at the Free Clinic. Elle tells him to calm the fuck down and that this is good news because, even though it’s Broome, the staff should be able to mutter in something approximating English.
But wait – Sam and Chris have got another and just as it’s looking like they’re unstoppable, some poor fool of a fish latches onto Sophia’s line.
And then it’s all action because suddenly Jenna’s got a bite too and before Australia can say ‘fuck this pink bitch’ Joanna’s wrenched the rod out of her hand and is reeling it in for all she’s worth. Unfortunately for Joanna, that isn’t much, because the old boot that snagged onto the hook was looking for Kerrie and damn if it’s going to jam it’s sweet ass onto any old foot.
‘It ran away!’ Joanna cries before snarling that if she sees that fish again she’ll haul that fickle bitch in and have a short, sharp conversation with its guts.
Sophia’s on the other hand, has not run away and, sweet mother of Nastassia it’s a whopper! In a shocking display of humanity she hugs the terrified captain and, even though that suspicious bitch Rico replays it eight times, she doesn’t take a bite out of his throat or give him an accompanying knee to the snug sacks.
And that’s pretty much it. Heading back empty-handed Dan reckons Steph is his ‘catch of the day’ and if her fat ass doesn’t tip the scales in his favour, he’s going to ignore the ‘no dumping’ signs and lob her back in the water.
Weighing time comes and it’s no shock that Ashlee and Sophia’s giant barramundi takes it out and gives Sophia the power to be the dictator she has always dreamed of being.
‘Suck that suckers!’ she snarks to the cameras, and really, the news that the Asians have won leaves the other contestants looking decidedly glum – except for Jake who has just realised the difference between actual crabs and an STI.
So, back to Cable Beach they trot to see what ingredients are on offer. Ash and Sophia, being first, scoop up the threadfin salmon and then announce that, because they hate the lot of them, they’ll allocate an order based on tit size. Dan starts hopping up and down because his man-jelly is busting out of his polo and, sure enough, they get second pick and go for the red emperor.
At that point Sophia changes her mind about the tits and says Sam and Chris may be the Beavis and Butthead of the competition, but – unlike Craig – they’ve never dropped a flounder in a share-car and blamed one of the other contestants. And for that reason, they get to pick next.
Jake and Elle haven’t pissed them off too royally either, nor have those two muscle-bunnies Luke and Scott, so that takes care of fourth and fifth.
And that leaves the Cupcakes and Kerrie and Craig.
Sophia says that while Craig’s tiny teeth would make Chucky reach for his comforter, she repects Kerrie’s no-holds-barred cuntiness and ability to send Craig’s testicles hurtling into his body screaming for his mother.
Oh and the Cupcakes are a pink man’s Angela and Melina so they can just get fucked.
Jenna says ‘whatever’ because even she could see that coming and the last ingredient isn’t even that crap! Joanna agrees and reckons she can cook mudcrab in her sleep – provided her husband is next to her snoring instructions.
Kerrie and Craig chose squid and prawns because, as Craig says, the crab resembles his wife so closely he wouldn’t feel comfortable cooking it without some sort of nuclear device.
Anyhoo, the teams have 90 minutes to prepare what Manu describes as ‘five star seafood’ for a bunch of tourists who didn’t mind paying big bucks so they could see Pete’s fake tan drip into his loafers in person.
Sophia reckons their fish is ‘huge’ but she’s more than a match for it and that today they’re going to impress the judges by showing they can cook Middle Eastern, and not just Fergus’ least favourite order from Wok in a Box.
Joanna, meanwhile, feels the heat is too constrictive and, despite Manu’s warnings, has decided it’s time to hit the beach! At the same time she’s going to collect some water for the crab because her husband once told her that the fluoride in tap water means men need daily sex and, if this crab’s a daddy, she’s SO not in the mood to put out.
Personal trainers Luke and Scott have picked the lobster and Scott reckons it’s important to impress Pete because Pete’s a keen fisherman who knows how to throw back a tinny and do really amusing impersonations of fat people.
Over to Kerry and Craig and they’re doing prawn stuffed squid with more prawns and cous cous salad. Kerrie reckons Broome is a Valium hotspot and that she’s high as a motherfucking kite on that shit and, as a result, her knickers are staying knot free. Craig thinks it’s amazing how she can’t adapt to a change of scenery without hard drugs and hopes that this challenge will bring him closer to the sweet release that is a random asteroid to his wife’s brain.
Dan and Steph are hardcore heat lovers and think a nice hot curry will go down a treat on a 40 degree day. Kerrie, who is already struggling, thinks these two are taking the absolute piss and if both her hands weren’t busy yanking out squid guts, she’d have a go on theirs.
Back with the Cupcakes and Joanna has finally made it back from her Burke and Wills-style jaunt and is hacking into the crab. She tells the cameras that she’s not taking the meat out of the shell because five-star dining is overrated and she wants her guests to get grottier than Manu with a one-legged prostitute.
Back with Ashlee and Sophia and – wouldn’t you know it? – they’re bickering again. Ashlee has been following Sophia’s spice rub recipe but Sophia reckons she may as well have been following blind Freddy into a sperm factory because that shit is SALTY! A few more words are exchanged and suddenly Sophia is in tears because it’s hard to be the hottest person on the planet who’s also always right.
With 45 minutes left, Sam has finally finished stuffing their whole barramundi and is hoping he has the time to pull it off. Chris is shocked that Sam would be thinking of wanking at a time like this, but when he looks at his watch he realises it might be feasible and if Kerrie is really as close to passing out as she looks, the distraction might just work in their favour!
And oh boy, it looks like Kerrie’s drugs are wearing off because she’s redder than a rooster and back to treating Craig like the shit spattered toilet seat in a service station restroom.
Over with Luke and Scott and Scott says today they’re throwing the Heart Foundation the finger because this lobster is getting 250 grams of first class butter rubbed into its glutes. Luke goes a little green at the thought but pulls it together and says it is important for the lobster to ‘sing’ because this might just be its last day before the cardiac ward.
Back with the Cupcakes and Jo is worried that a bucket of crab floating in sea water isn’t going to be enough and that perhaps they should do some sort of coleslaw? Jenna thinks it’s a fine idea because there’s not nearly enough pink on the plate and everyone knows Sophia is a dick-gobbling slut bag.
As the clock ticks down, the sweat builds up and Chris, who is making flatbread for the fattoush salad, is worried the heat will ruin it more than his lack of any basic training. Pete disagrees and thinks he and Sam are working like seasoned prostitutes and, if he’s right, the only thing that’ll ruin that bread is if someone loses a condom in it.
Back to Kerrie and she’s well and truly slipped her lead and is barking orders at Craig. Craig reckons the heat is ‘taking its toll on our bodies’ and that his is wetter than that time Kerrie slit his wrists for singing in the shower.
Over with Ashlee and Sophia and they’re still arguing. Ash complains that Sophia has a way of saying things that put your teeth on edge and make you want to hug the nearest serial killer. Watching, Jenna doesn’t understand why they fight. She and Joanna never argue because pink is a happy colour and Joanna saves all her punches for her children.
Ooh but here come the guests and it’s like something from Laurence of Arabia with asses on camels and a rather pretty little dining area right on the beach. Rico wonders if any of the diners have been riding a ‘spitter’ and, if so, they might not be so shocked when they meet Kerrie.
With fifteen minutes to go everyone’s complaining about the heat and Luke says the grill is so hot he could strap it in a dress and call it Lisa Curry! Kerry is now so red she’s practically puce and Luke reckons if she doesn’t have some water there’s going to be a damn ugly imprint in the sand some time soon.
Sophia is ‘angry and frustrated’. She says their teamwork has been a dead set joke and that the only thing that can improve her mood is if Kerrie takes out one of the Cupcakes on her way down.
Speaking of Jenna and Joanna and they’re faffing around with the coleslaw and wondering whether to put it on the plate. Jenna says while it’s not pink, it is ‘vibrant’ and and they’d be screwed if this was a show that focused on flavour.
As everyone rushes to plate, Jake and Elle, Sam and Chris and Dan and Steph are happy. Dan has proudly assembled his curry on a banana leaf and has made the brilliant call to skimp on the sauce so the leaf doesn’t end up looking like something a monkey used to mop up its hangover.
With thirty seconds left, Kerrie thinks the calamari looks amazing until Craig starts fucking around with his giant, sloppy paws. And it’s the final straw: with a stamina that few thought she had left, she lunges for his throat all purple-face and foaming muzzle and the only thing that saves Craig from watching his life flash before his eyes, is the quick thinking of a medic who used to work as a ranger and is used to bringing vicious dogs down.
As Kerrie is held back and hypodermicked within an inch of her life, she snarls that they need to let her go because that useless git can’t even do up his fly, let alone plate up a meal! Somehow, though, she’s wrong, and he manages not only to plate up but simper to the guests about the tragedy that is his Tyrannosaurus wife not being there to roar over their shoulders while they eat.
The guests chow down and it’s all very civilised because most people have brought their table manners and Kerrie is still fighting her way out of the straitjacket. Ferral Alsatian though she may be, Pete and Manu reckon her squid has a lovely chargrill and the fact that Craig managed to keep his terror in his pants means there’s only the vague scent of old-man’s-prostate.
Dan and Steph’s curry is also good but Manu is disappointed they cared more for the comfort a banana leaf than for his guts’ desire for sauce.
Sam and Chris’ barramundi ‘ticks all the boxes’ according to Pete, but Luke and Scott’s lobster is just ‘pleasant’. Jake and Elle’s Thai-style perch is also yummy but that’s all we hear because the sinister band strikes up their latest hit and it’s all about Ashlee and Sophia!
But hang on – they don’t say anything! There’s a bit of Sophia admitting that, while she wanted to have a mouthful of fish, she ended up with a mouthful of complaints about Ashlee and that kind of took up all her time – and then it’s on to Jenna and Joanna.
Who get the silent treatment also.
Rico, who really would be an evil genius if he wasn’t so perpetually drunk, slurs that this can only mean that one was really, really good and one was really, really crap. I think he would have gone on to make his predictions too, but unfortunately at this point he remembers that buckets don’t fill themselves and staggers off in the direction of his four-litre friend.
While he’s gone there’s some footage of the guests writing down their votes and shooting side-eyes at Kerrie who has stopped trying to escape through brute force and now seems to be trying to convince her captor she is a calm and reasonable woman.
Dan and Steph reckon they’ve just served up a five-star dish in one of the roughest kitchens known to man. Rico, who has just made it back, snarks that they haven’t seen Come-Back Kitchen and that Fergus would have these jellied bitches quivering out of their moulds in the first five seconds.
Finally it seems we’re going to get the verdict, but – no – the judges want to recycle their yawnworthy comments from the table to the contestants. Kerrie and Craig, Dan and Steph, Jake and Elle – lovely blah blah lovely.
Luke and Scott, Pete says, didn’t really make the most of their 90 minutes and they really ought to spend more time thinking about the food than doing sneaky press-ups behind the camp kitchen.
Sam and Chris cooked their huge fish to perfection and Pete says that, unlike Luke and Scott, they’re not just false advertising in a tank top and, if he came across them in an internet chatroom, he’d totally believe they were 21 and stacked.
Finally it’s feedback for the Cupcakes and while Manu gushes how much he loved watching Jo’s bony ass make a break for the shore, Pete says their veges were ‘confusing’ and if this is five-star cooking, he doesn’t ever want to get his ass lost in space.
Jo whinges that they had no choice with seafood because Sophia has been holding a grudge ever since Jenna told her to fuck off, when any normal person would have busted out their wallet for an eternity ring.
But wait – it’s Ash and Sophia’s turn and despite how long we’ve waited the judges still have more fucking with us up their sleeves!
‘First time cooking thread fin salmon?’ asks Pete. The girls nod. ‘Challenging’ he murmurs with many a knowing look exchanged with Manu. ‘Challenging…’
And then – you guessed it – this motherfucker of a show lurches to an ad break and I have to spend the next five minutes of Coles commercials coaxing Rico’s fists back from the screen.
But finally we’re back and after one last yank on Australia’s tired dick, Pete reveals that our Asian friends have ‘nailed it’.
Jenna and Joanna look positively puke-worthy, especially when they announce that Ashlee and Sophia are also ‘people’s choice’.
Sophia tells the cameras that she and Ashlee are ‘unstoppable’ because, unlike Kerrie, she and Ash can act like complete whores without worrying about the Hand of God.
But – ooh! – there’s a special reward! While the other teams are battling it out for the second spot in the next Sudden Death, Ash and Sophia get to stuff their guts at the Margaret River Gourmet Escape Food and Wine Festival.
‘Better wear my fat pants!’ trills Ashlee, which is bittersweet for Dan because he still misses the fat pants that Steph threw out after the discovery that there was a grove of cheesecake flourishing in the side pocket.
And the losers? Why it’s pink ladies Jenna and Joanna of course! Joanna feels like a failure because this is their second time in Sudden Death and, if she knows her fisherman husband, she’s going to head into the challenge following a lot more than a slap in the face from a couple of Asians.
Jenna cries because the smell of fish is IMPOSSIBLE to get out of her pores and Joanna’s husband smells like tuna. Joanna tries to comfort her and says they have to think like Ralph Macchio from The Karate Kid and rely on the fact that some creepy little maintenance man will save them.
Rico reckons Mr Miyagi would rather take an unprotected hammering from the entire Cobra Kai than extend the chopstick of friendship to these two. But then again, if it happens to be Kerrie and Craig they go up against, all bets are off!