So this is a two-in-one recap because Rico and I became otherwise engaged when we should have been watching the Rapid Cook-Off on Tuesday night and then had to watch them back-to-back. As a result it was somewhat of a MKR marathon and I’m pleased to report that by the end of it, Rico was just a pair of bloodshot eyes peering out from the top of his goon bag.
But let’s not waste any time!
So Josh and Andi are sitting on the sidelines wondering who out of today’s cooks are going to be going against them the following night. Straight away Rico turns to me and says that if these two have brains they’ll be hoping for Jenna and Joanna because while Joanna appears to have a spine of steel and a way with the judges soft spots, Jenna is just flustered mush squeezed into a pink dress and pushed in front of the cameras.
Anyhoo the first part of today’s Rapid Cook-off is to produce a ‘winter warmer’ in 30 minutes and right away every bastard reaches for the soup pot and wishes they could pull a Kerrie and Craig and make a call to Maggi.
In a shock move, Ashlee and Sophia are opting to ignore their Asian roots and instead mess around with some root vegetables. They’re doing a cauliflower soup with crispy pancetta and reckon that it’s time they proved they aren’t just the one-trick pony with the foul mouth who everyone wants to shoot.
Sam and Chris are also doing a soup – or rather a broth – but they’re taking a risk by adding fuckery to the pot in the form of cornflour and Manu is unimpressed.
‘The FUCK are they doing?’ he spits. Pete tells him to calm down and that at least this crap didn’t come out of a sachet.
Also on the soup train are Dan and Steph who are letting Sophia know how she can eat it by cooking spicy Asian. My mouth starts watering and I realise that these two have actually been cooking some good shit lately, and that my early assessment that they were just a couple of overly tattooed fatties is still accurate.
Luke and Scott are doing a spicy fish soup because they want to show that fish can be warm and not just something slimey you wake up next to after a hard night on the peach schnapps. Rico says it looks nice, but then again, compared to that Quinoa rubbish they pumped out on Monday night, even Kerrie’s face would look palatable.
Cupcakes Jenna and Joanna are NOT doing soup – they’re doing a pumpkin risotto served on a bed of Jenna’s tears and, as a result, have made it onto Rico’s Unforgivable Acts list. Rico reckons risotto is worse than what you’d clean out from under your fingernails following a good fisting and that putting his all-time favourite vegetable in it is just a sick bastard of a move. In fact, the only thing that stops Rico from getting up and taking his wine skin to another room is that neither of them have dropped any fruit in it.
Dishes are done and Pete – who’s looking a little jaundiced – and Manu – who’s looking like he’s got an orifice full of Kerrie and Craig’s packet curry paste – head down the line for tasting. There’s lots of love for Dan and Steph and Ashlee and Sophia, a little love for Luke and Scott and a scolding for the Cupcakes who floated the idea of pumpkin but forgot the flavour.
Sam and Chris also get a flogging for promising broth and then trying to turn it into a fucking pancake. Manu reckons this is a cooking show not a papier mache workshop and if they pull this crap again he’ll burst into tears and show Jenna how a crying bitch REALLY works it.
Ashlee and Sophia reckon it’s between them and Dan and Steph. Rico reckons of course the fatties will get it because everyone wants to see their least-favourite Asians cruising close to the Sudden Death trawler. He’s right, of course, and Ashlee and Sophia are left looking grimmer than Mr Reaper.
And the next half of the rapid cook-off? That’s right Wonka-lovers – it’s all about the chocolate! Ash and Sophia reckon that the judges have asked for chocolate, so they are going to choke the fuckers on it. They’re planning a layered brownie cake with chocolate truffle balls on the side and Rico, who reckons chocolate gives him cold sores, starts whinging for the Zovirax.
Luke and Scott are getting freaky with chocolate and chilli and some other weird random crap that they reckon will taste awesome once it’s shoved into a bag, shaken up and then tipped on a plate. The judges are sceptical but because it doesn’t come with a side of cornflour and isn’t squeezed out of a packet, Manu keeps his angry dick in his tight shorts and agrees to give them a shot.
Over with Sam and Chris and they’re doing one of those cakes that has to be runny on the inside and wondering if they are the millionth or the millionth and first contestant to come up with the highly novel idea to pair it with salted caramel. Rico reckons if he yawns any harder he’ll dislocate his jaw and I’ll have to feed him soup through a straw. I remind him that we left ‘in sickness and in health’ out of our wedding vows on purpose and that if he wants me to be his nursemaid he’d better be filling his bedpan with a steady stream of cash.
Self-titled Dessert Queens, Jenna and Joanna, are also bored so they’ve decided to fuck with the challenge by adding air where the chocolate should be. They’re doing an Eton Mess and reckon that with a squirt of Ice Magic and the cocoa powder from the cold cappuccino that Jenna found in the green room sprinkled on top, they’re onto a winner!
Rico reckons you can dress up a pig’s lunch all you want but it will still have the trough marks and Joanna’s obviously let Jenna’s pink brand of lunacy seep into her brain.
Speaking of Jenna, she’s in tears again and Joanna is discovering that trying to stop that shit is like trying to plug up the Titanic’s hole with a tea towel. Ashlee and Sophia are also frustrated – partly because Ash forgot to put flour in the brownie mix and partly because the wailing woman won’t stop opening the damn freezer.
In a moment that shocks Australia, Sophia doesn’t take a fistful of Jenna’s hair and snarl that if she touches that fridge one more time, she’ll touch her spine with her teeth. Instead she tries to suggest that constantly opening it is not going to help either of their dishes to set.
Jenna tells her to ‘fuck off’.
Rico complains that that would have been such a gorgeous moment if only the producers had given us a fist-pumping soundtrack to go with it.
‘You mean something like Frank Stallone?’ I suggest. Rico thinks about it.
‘Or Michael Bolton’ he decides.
Ashlee and Sophia can’t believe that someone who dresses like a princess-obsessed toddler can dump the f-bomb without a spanking. Sophia reckons she’d deliver it herself but she doesn’t want to get cellulite on her hands.
Tasting time comes around and Luke and Scott’s culinary chaos has gone thumbs up rather than belly down. Pete says it really is the best thing they’ve put up in the competition and Manu reckons if they keep cooking like this he might start leaving an extra twenty on the dresser.
Chris and Sam’s also does well, but Manu keeps his mouth shut on the topic of a pay rise which makes Chris get pouty and whisper to Sam: ‘that’s the last time I change the sheets for that bitch!’
Ashlee and Sophia’s brownie disaster is actually not such a disaster because Manu likes the two different types that make up the cake. Problem is there’s just too much dang chocolate and Pete reckons he feels like he’s gotten stuck down a chocolate well which also happens to be the home of the Easter Bunny’s anal sex loving brother.
Jenna and Joanna’s ‘chocolate Eton Mess’ looks like something Jenna will probably shove on her head at her wedding, according to Manu. They don’t say much other than to offer the question on whether there’s enough chocolate in it.
‘FUCK no!’ shrieks Rico who – although he hates Sophia with a fervour I really wish he’d put into changing the bog roll when it runs out – thinks that the cupcakes have put the mess in this shit by acting like any fucker alive would prefer the taste of fruit to chocolate.
But unfortunately for Rico the producers think it’s time to throw hold out a bone and give the Asian-hating thugs of Australia something to distract them from burning effigies outside train station kiosks.
Andi and Josh reckon ‘bring it on’ which Rico thinks must be a coded message to Kerrie to start piping the Maggi into non-labelled Tupperware.
But now to the main event: the Sudden Death. The show starts and there’s the usual to-the-cameras tough talk from our facing-off teams.
Josh and Andi reckon they are the better team, whilst Ashlee and Sophia think the others don’t deserve to be there because Josh can’t even handle a shaver, let alone a stove.
Andi also says Sophia making them cook Asian is the reason they’re in this leaky old tub in the first place, so they’re going to pay her back by kicking her in the cunt.
‘Out of the competition!’ hisses Josh.
‘Oh yeah,’ agrees Andi. ‘that too.’
And boy have they got a plan! Because they were ‘out of their comfort zone’ cooking Asian, Andi says their three-course menu will be Burmese-inspired because, once upon her ancestry, one of her grandparents owned a cat that was probably just Siamese with a bit of a spray tan and even though Burma is technically an Asian country –
-oh look! A three-headed monkey!
Sophia is, naturally, unimpressed and says THEY are the Asian queens and if anyone tries to usurp her she’ll make Joffrey from Game of Thrones seem more like Richie from Happy Days.
And then the show completely cuts out and Channel 7 switches to that bit from Rocky IV where Ivan Drago refuses to wear his manners before the big fight and, instead, promises to break Rocky’s face with his Vanilla Ice flat-top. Oh, hang on…
The contestants on the balcony are SCANDALISED. Kerrie simply cannot believe anyone could be so rude when a piece of lamb isn’t involved, and Jenna reckons that the least Sophia could have done is to get fucked.
To the cameras Ash says they don’t believe in baking sweet cookies if they’re running low on sugar, and Sophia’s saving all theirs for that hot piece of garbled meat, Fergus.
Anyhoo cooking starts and right away it’s clear that every man, their dog and their dog’s blow-up dog doll are rooting for Andi and Josh.
Rico reckons that Andi just looks too eager-to-please for his taste but that she’s got excellent taste in concrete slabs because hers looks almost human – even if he can’t cook.
But cook they must and it’s tamarind fish with an Asian salad warring against Ashlee and Sophia’s crispy skinned duck with banana blossom salad. Immediately Andi starts with the commentary about how much time they’ve got and just how much they have to fit into the next hour and a half. Josh spends this time nodding dumbly and staring at his navel, wondering when was the last time he really dug in there with a pair of tweezers.
Up on the balcony and Kerrie and Craig are worried that Andi is too focused on her cat-inspired curry to remember that she’s teamed with a complete doofus. Dan and Steph agree and think someone needs to start cooking that fish before Andi’s curry sneaks over and eats it.
Over with Ashlee and Sophia and even the balcony haters have to admit they seem organised. Problems develop, however, when it turns out Ashlee is not a mind-reader and Sophia doesn’t want to be wasting precious lung power on instructions when there’s a million more ‘babes’ she still needs to get through.
Back with Josh and Andi and Josh is finally cooking the fish while Andi struggles with the salad dressing. When she finally gets it right they have so little time left on the clock that their plating is less a delicate exercise than a take-aim-and-pray-it-hits-the-plate.
Ashlee and Sophia are similarly stressed because all the instructions Sophia’s been bottling up are coming out in Tourette’s-like bursts and Ash can’t keep up! When time runs out, Sophia bitches about the lack of dressing and Ash reckons if she doesn’t zip it back in her pants she’s going to walk and leave her to cook for her single supporter all by herself.
In come the guest judges ready to fill their bellies and Fergus is looking ragged and more like something you’d yank out of a shower drain than someone who DIDN’T spend his time in the make-up chair feeling up the style team and bellowing for more Guinness.
First up to be tasted is Josh and Andi’s tamarind fish and the consensus is that, while it looks like something you’d wrestle out of the cat’s mouth before letting it inside, it tastes good. Well, according to Fergus it’s a bit on the spicy side, but even he admits that the fish is cooked and not just waved over a toaster.
Over to Ashley and Sophia’s and there’s disappointment over the lack of crispy skin and the fact that the salad is about as fully dressed as Pete’s Ibiza photos. Italian judge Guy Grossi reckons that with a bit more sauce he would have had a full blown explosion in his shorts, and not just a bit of twitching – but, either way, his wife is going to meet an old friend tonight!
Back in the kitchen and Josh has decided that Andi’s stress might be caused by his rushing around, so he has determined to take it down a notch. They’re cooking the cat curry served with some sort of eggplant pickle and rice and Josh has been given the task of standing over a saucepan and wondering how to cook rice while Andi does everything else.
Over with Ashlee and Sophia and they’ve discovered that their fish is full of bones and, unless they motor, the judges will be using it to floss the cat hair from Andi’s curry out of their teeth. Sophia reckons it’s a ‘dead set joke’ but Ashlee thinks she should stop pretending this is the Melbourne Comedy Festival and start remembering there’s a bunch of wankers on the balcony baying for their blood.
Back to Josh and Andi and there’s trouble brewing with the cat stew. Andi is freaking out because Josh must have poured the rice water into the curry pot when she wasn’t looking and now poor kitty’s drowning! On the balcony and Kerrie is not coping. She sees Josh and Andi as her own children and the fact she can’t leap over the railing and slap their hands off the stove is driving her NUTS. When she sees that they are planning to pour the excess curry juice down the sink, instead of reducing it down, she’s so beside herself Craig has to promise her an extra 30 minutes with his bare ass and a cat ‘o nine tails just to calm her down.
Over with the judges and they’re similarly horrified. Pete worries that they are literally tipping the flavour down the sink, whereas Manu says he is glad Andi’s grandad is dead, because if this is his method, it saves him the effort of hunting the sick bastard down.
Back with Ashlee and Sophia and Sophia’s fish has heard she’s a whore and is using every fish trick in the book to get out of the pan and into the Bin of Freedom.
‘Why does it keep curling?’ Sophia cries. Ashlee doesn’t know but reckons that if they don’t manage to beat Josh and Andi, Satan’s going to want His deposit back.
Back in curry-slaughter central and Andi has finally turned her attention away from disposing of flavour to cooking eggplant. She says the eggplant pickle is a great companion to the dry curry and when dopey Josh questions whether it’s cooked enough she assures him that it’s important for the judges to know they’ve got a dick in their mouths so they don’t just bite down and cause a massive bleed-out.
When time runs out both teams have managed to plate up to their satisfaction and are excited to have the judges taste. Sophia raves about Fergus in particular and admits there’s a part of her that wants to show him that, despite her awkward orthodontistry, she can still work a ping pong like a professional.
Out comes the food and I can’t remember who goes first so I’m going to say Josh and Andi. Guy thinks that for a dry cat curry it’s a bit on the dry side and he’s not sure he can taste the pussy. Pete spills the beans that that’s because they tipped it down the sink hole and that if the judges deducted points for flavour this bitch would be a perfect ten!
Next is Ashlee and Sophia and even though Sophia’s managed to flatten enough fish to serve, Ashlee’s garlic and chilli sauce has got Manu and Fergus fronting like a pair of steroidal roosters.
Fergus reckons it’s like being served a beautiful dinner but being forced to eat it with a mouthful of ass garnish. Manu reckons Fergus is an uncultured douchelord and that if Fergus had ever travelled beyond the doors of his local pub, he’d realise that shit-eating is an art in Asian countries – just look at Jessie and Biswa!
To Rico’s eternal disappointment Fergus does NOT lurch up from seat, slur ‘fok dis shite’ and arrange out a bouquet of fists for Manu’s pleasure. Instead he mutters ‘oi disagroi’ and vows to take out his frustrations on his score card.
Back in the kitchen and dessert is ON! Both teams are doing something cold – Josh and Andi because neither have them have worked out how to use the stove, and Ashlee and Sophia because Sophia’s colder than an arctic icebox and Rico reckons her trying to keep a dessert hot would be like him coming across one of Dan and Steph’s home movies and trying to sustain an erection.
Josh and Andi are doing a parfait so shit has to be FROZEN. And all goes well until Andi leaves her brain in her other pants and asks Josh if it’s ok to leave the dessert out for 15 minutes.
‘Oh yes!’ he says. ‘And don’t forget the blowtorch!’
Over with Ashlee and Sophia and they’re using canned jackfruit for the coulis because Coles is a family-friendly company and ever since an incident involving Curtis Stone, a jackfruit and a jar of Vaseline, they’re not allowed to stock that shit within a 50 km radius.
On the balcony and there’s some interest in the fact that Ashlee appears unaware of the sweetness of canned fruit. Jake and Elle who, along with Sam and Chris, appear to the be only team not actively vowing to sacrifice their firstborns if it means a Josh and Andi victory, are concerned that not even Sophia’s sour personality will add enough acidity.
‘That’s going to be soooo sweet!’ bleats Elle. And Jenna agrees, adding that if she didn’t know better, she’d tell Sophia to fuck off.
Back with Andi and Josh and – surprise surprise! – the parfait is melting and the little mango strips that have got Rico cringing under his booze-bib are just sinking right in.
“This is melting Josh!’ shrieks Andi. But Josh is still focused on the rice for the main course and the amount of fucks he gives about the dessert could feed a family of zero.
Back with the girls and after some initial problems getting the blancmanges out of their cups, they’re sitting pretty on the plate. Ash reckons they’ve fucked up on too many desserts to do it again, and just because they’re Asian doesn’t mean they charge $8 for a damn Kit Kat! Sophia thinks it’s good but not perfect, but who gives a fuck because in a few minutes she’ll be in front of Fergus and word on the street is that he likes a girl who can open a bottle with her grill and isn’t afraid to stare-down the trouser hamster.
The desserts come out and Josh and Andi’s is first down the hatch. Fergus is pissed because shit is not frozen and he didn’t order a damn milkshake. There’s some muttering about nice flavour around the table but the consensus is that if you need a straw to eat it you better be 90+ and packing corn-flecked chipolatas in your knickers.
Sophia and Ashlee’s is next and Manu says the blancmange is ‘mett in your moth’. Everyone else agrees but then the coulis flavour hits and they spend the next few minutes trying to talk their fillings into unpacking their suitcases and giving their teeth one more chance.
Judgement time arrives and Queen Alien and Gross Guy hand over sevens which excite Andi and she turns to her dopey partner just in time to find him about to wander away to check the rice.
From there things take a downturn and it’s sixes ahoy – even from Fergus who bitches about needing a raincoat for their dessert when he’s strictly bareback.
But here come Ashlee and Sophia and – to the collective joy of Australia – Queen Alien gives them a six! Sophia is unimpressed and reckons bitch wouldn’t know good food if she dressed it in a dick suit and choked on it.
But – uh oh – next up are a pair of sevens and suddenly things are on an even keel until Fergus steps onto centre stage.
‘You promised me crispy skin!’ he slurs. ‘And you broke dat promise!’ He then goes on to complain that because of their garlic and chilli he and Manu got into a bitch spat and that whiney French git is still sending him metre-long text messages and, as a result, he’s slapping back with a five.
Sophia is FURIOUS and snarls to the cameras that five is the number of times she’ll be forcing Fergus to beg for her forgiveness, before she allows him to pray for death.
‘Only five?’ says Ashlee.
Meanwhile, Andi turns to Josh and asks how he’d rate her ass in a pair of leather pants. Josh isn’t sure if this is one of those trick questions so he harks back to primary school when the answer to every question was ‘seven’ and hopes for the best.
Andi seems happy but now Manu is talking and it’s clear from the way he raves over Ashlee’s garlic/chillicondiment that Fergus’ phone hasn’t seen the last of him. ‘I knew what you were trying to do, and I loved et!’ he gushes, before laying out a scoring card that is essentially a seven surrounded by crude pictures of Fergus fucking himself.
Pete has no great love for either the sauce or the Asians, but he’s got an earpiece full of producers yapping at him to keep those bitches IN so he’s got no choice but to lay out another seven and send Josh and Andi back to whichever hick town has the balls to claim them.
On the sidelines a tumbleweed blows through the tables of the other contestants. Kerrie gives them a single clap because her mother taught her manners and not just how to shackle a misbehaving husband to a dining chair using a zip lock bag and a kebab skewer.
But wait! – There’s an announcement on the cards. That’s right reproductive rejoicers – Andi’s guts have a case of the babies and, by some miracle, Josh actually knows what that means!
The other teams are thrilled and waste no time busting out of their chairs to congratulate the parents-to-be. Josh says it is the end of one good thing and the start of something even better because the baby will be forced to eat what it’s given and it’ll be years before it’s old enough to write shitty scores on a piece of butcher paper.
But this isn’t the only news because the show ends with a preview of a surprise Sunday edition of MKR which pits four eliminated teams against each other for – gasp! – the chance of a place back in the competition!
Rico is thrilled because he catches a glimpse of gingery locks and this can only mean that his favourite little dungeon dabbler, Kieran, is keen for another pounding.
I’m excited because this mess appears to be taking place in Fergus’ restaurant where I’m pretty sure chefs are required to do shots every time a customer orders the special.