Ah there’s been a lot of excitement and sweating and panting and collapsing since the Heavy Weights, Big Kev and Rosemary and Anita and Cher, entered the BL game. Since the last weigh-in where everyone was safe, all the trainers have gotten their paws on the big fatties and made them rue the day their mothers fell for that old line about not putting it in.
Cher has been a delight to watch: she’s the one who wants a baby so in between the footage of her Jurassic Park-style bellowing, the producers like to show her sitting on her bed sniffing itty bitty baby suits. She’s also one half of the team who got to open The Fridge and, as a result, got to let Michelle and Commando know she thinks they live on the GIANT WANKER side of the street by picking Shannan for a week of training, food-monitoring and foundation-application classes.
Shannan, who made it clear from the beginning that Big Kev’s was the chunk he wanted to bust, pays them back by ringing them more often than a jealous boyfriend and demanding that they do completely unreasonably things like exercise.
Cher had NO IDEA that things would be this hard. Sure, she’d watched all the other seasons of this masterpiece of reality TV, but she was convinced that the producers made life-sized puppet replicas of the contestants, and that THEY were, the ones actually busting into a sweat and eating spinach while the real cast got hooked up to the lipo machines and still got to eat burgers.
In Last Chance Training, Shannan takes her to every fat kids worst nightmare: the beach, and expects her to actually walk, not just lie in the sand and drink Reef Oil out of the bottle.
Cher is pissed – this is just so unfair! – and despite Anita hauling from the front and Shanny pushing from the back, she reckons it’s time to take a break and see if a Mr Whippy shows up.
Shanny tells her she’s dreamings: he’s got snipers stationed in every quadrant and if just one of those pink fuckers tries to roll into his town, they’re going riddle that soft serving beast with more holes than The Commando’s mesh clubbing vest
“I don’t want to do it!’ gasps Cher, who explains that she just wants to go home and see her other family because they can’t stay awake forever and then she’ll raid their fridge!
Shanny doesn’t let up, though, and when Cher finally gets to the top of the hill she manages to spit out: ‘Oh, I HATE this cunt!’. Shanny shoots her a side-eye and she mutters ‘fat, I mean fat’. Anita agrees and adds that if they had their time to do over they’d slam that fridge shut and bitch for a redraw.
The other HW, Big Kev, has given us even more joy. Not only is he work shy, but he’s got a giant bulldog for a mother who isn’t afraid to lock her jaws around the throat of anyone who tries to tell her little Kevvy to get his guts downstairs for training.
Shanny got his hands on Kev first and had him exiting the building in record time because no one told him there’d be a treadmill in it. Then it was the Commando’s turn, but Kev wasn’t feeling any fonder of physical activity then either and when he took his ass to the turf the Commando realised he’d forgotten to renew the lease of the forklift and had no way to get the fucker up.
In LCT, though, he’s all Michelle’s and according to the mercilously repetitive ad campaign, Kev’s laziness is about to reach record highs and Michelle’s going to take a verbal lash to his buttocks and paint them a redder shade of pain.
But in true Biggest Loser fashion, it’s all an utter pile of turd mongering. Michelle goes upstairs to find our fat friend all dressed up in his singletty best and ready to perspire. Sure he was ‘thinking’ of not showing up and, sure, Rosemary would have torn that bitch’s tits off with her teefs if she’d tried to ‘make’ him, but he’s realised that sore trotters aren’t actually comparable to severe spinal injury so he’s got no choice but to take his ass down.
Aside from the heavies, we’ve seen plenty of action with our other more moderately porky porkers. Poor Brett’s case of ass-tongue worsened and spread to his arms when he actually tried to get fisty with Shanny during the marathon challenge.
Then was that hideous Night at the Home Movies where Richard sobbed like Tom Hanks in Castaway and everyone elsejjust sobbed like the cast of Neighbours.
There were wedding photos and more footage of sock rolling and babygro sniffing and smoking in front of children. There was soft piano music and personal space-invading courtesy of The Commando and waaaay too many shots of Katie in her cadets uniform
But what really dominated the week’s viewing was continual pimping of Natures Way Vitamins by Shanny and Michelle where a fatty couldn’t even lay a cable without Shanny or Michelle busting down the toilet door and cramming a bunch of capsules down their throat.
Rico reckons it’s a wonder the contestants have any room in their guts for the half carrot and poached chicken foot that make up their daily 1000 calories and, if that’s the case, there’s gonna be some BIG numbers on those scales tonight.
And speaking of: it’s time! That’s right folks, the second competitive weigh-in is here and this time, as that mental heavy weight Mark informs us, someone is going home!
And, oh, doesn’t our Hayley look simply ravishing in pink. Beside me, Rico twitches and then starts fussing with the remote control to try and cover it up. It’s fair to say that he has a MASSIVE crush on Hayley, and when she’s looking as purdy as she does tonight, he’s about as focused on the weight loss as Amber is on any lifeform other than herself.
Anyhoo, a few of our fatties have a 1kg advantage thanks to managing to snag a spot on the marathon relay team that did NOT have one of the heavy weights. Robyn reckons this is just a crock of festering old testicles and that she’s screwed because Katie’s bellow-box weighs 1kg alone!
But they’re first up and, unlike Kev, the scales aren’t lying in bed complaining about hoof-rot and they’ve got no choice but to get up and get it on. They do well with 6.4 and 7kg but Katie immediately cracks her lid buckets and starts to bawl because there’s so much screaming to be done and she doesn’t want to leave before she gets the chance to filtch one of Commando’s old combat fatigues out of his trailer.
Michelle reckons she’s over-thinking and that the Commando only owns the one pair so she’ll have to pry them all muddy and smelling like sweaty ballsack out of his cold, dead hands.
The show goes to an ad break just as Michelle is recommending Tiffany as ‘a person who can get things done but just can’t keep a job hahahahahahaha take that you bleach blonde bimbo BITCH!’ and we see that there’s some excitement to follow involving Big Kev, Michelle and some porky pies.
Back from the break and Rico and I have our goblets filled to the brim and ready for quaffing. While we wait for the promised action, we go through the motions of the blacks and greens jumping on the scales and doing rather respectably.
But then it’s light blue Richard and Amber’s turn and the music changes from ‘rejoice at this achievement’ to ‘here comes that entitled little bitch’. To the cameras Richard admits that he’s not sure how hard Amber has worked, but as soon as she peels a measley 4.3kg off her chubby carcass, he’s defending her to the fat rinds of the earth. The producers decide to call a lying fuckwit a lying fuckwit by producing some training footage of Amber avoiding the exercise machines and Michelle screeching for Richard to fire a rocket up his daughter’s lazy ass.
Throughout all this, Michelle’s looking like she just bit into a sandwich and realised that they didn’t hold the turd after all. She says that Richard needs to stop trying to ‘be Amber’s best friend’ because bitch is a selfish little viper who’ll only keep you around until you run out of change for the drive-thru.
And then just as I’m wondering if this was the action promised before the ad break and the shot of Kev had just been a red herring, here come the very blues themselves!
While the music gets turned up to drown out the sound of the scales’ screaming, Shanny tells the cameras that Kev’s ‘used every trick in the book to get out of training’.
Rico is relieved: he had been faking empathy for Kev’s various ailments because he was afraid Rosemary would bust through the TV and touch his most precious trouser-treasure with her fists. Now that’s Shanny’s come out and branded her boy a slacker, he’s confident she’ll yank the closest meat, not just the one who snarked off first.
Rosemary does well with 8.3, but Kevin drops 13.2 which, for a planet-sized person, really isn’t much more than a square of bogroll.
Kev reckons he hasn’t put in 100% ‘because of injury’. Shanny gets fiesty and says ‘what injury?’ and when Rosemary puffs up her chest he slaps her down by saying that even when you’re a collossus, a stubbed toe is still just a fucking stubbed toe, and Mr Guts needs to get with the program or he’ll bust out Michelle’s cracker line about man holes and pussy juice.
Michelle is also shat to the gills and starts questioning his diet. Rosemary has had her beady eye on Michelle and reckons she’s a tough strip of hide but she can take her! She says that Kev’s diet has been ‘100%’ and she’s been watching every bite of Snickers going into his gob. Michelle calls BULLSHIT and says she’s been around the block long enough to know the smell of a midnight cheeseburger and if there’s a more deluded bitch than Rosemary, it’s Janet but she just hasn’t opened her mouth yet.
Speaking of Janet, the pinks are up and they’re the first of the bunch with the 1kg advantage. They ditch 5.5 and 5 and Janet is thrilled because Single White Female is her favourite movie and soon she’ll be able to wear her daughter’s clothes and sleep with her boyfriend!
Onto the yellows, Anita and Cher, and Cher shows Kev how the big fatties are supposed to do it and lands them right up in first place.
Next up are Mandy and Brett and because Amber and Richard’s fate below the Yellow Line rests on these two failing abysmally, Amber starts to snuffle like a truffle-hunting piglet and wishing she’d listened to Michelle, rather than that bucket of cottage cheese in the refrigerator.
She says she’s ‘pissed off’ with herself for squatting over a banquet rather than squatting over an exercise bike and that the chances of potty-mouthed Brett tanking to save her ugly ass are smaller than Hayley’s last bowel movement.
And she’s right: thought they only drop 6.5 and 8.8, it’s enough to put them above and leave Amber and Richard staring down the one-eyed snake of elimination.
And so it comes down to the red team, ranga Jess and dad Sam. Sam is super confident – until he only drops 4.9 and drags his 6.5-scoring daughter into the danger zone with him.
As the safe teams prepare to shuffle into the shooting range, Hayley goes all King Solomon on them and tells them only one half of each team can touch the shotgun. There’s a few looks of bored surprise among the constestants, but for the most part no one cares and in they go.
In the elimination room and Hayley is filling time until the magic voice in her headset tells her she can stop by asking the fatties in front of her to repeat what every other poor bastard in previous seasons has said in the same situation at the thought of going home.
In trot the the chosen ones who get to put their sweaty fingers on the trigger and they too get the chance to jaw off about how ‘hard’ it is to take aim and send someone who snores too loud and whose farts smell like sausage meat onto the home train.
Kirsten is particularly tearful: she and Amber are newly BFFs and the thought of telling Jess and Sam to go fuck themselves is taking her higher than a deep fried Mars bar and holding that shit in is really taking some work.
Amber bleats that she ‘needs to be here’ because she’s on a slippery slope to an oversize coffin and no bitch wants to attend a funeral where there’s standing room only.
Richard, meanwhile, makes some sort of odd speech about being successful on the outside but being weak as piss in the house and, therefore, the kind of awesome these dumbtards should keep around.
Sam reckons this is just beef masquerading as brains and then the two of them get a bit slappy with Richard saying Jess is just in it to get a guest role as girl-eating-donut on Home and Away, and Sam saying that at least Jess has a fiancee and a non-redheaded stepchild and isn’t lolling around at home putting her barbies into pornographic positions in between ringing the bell for Richard to get her more burgers.
Along the line, and from the preliminary comments, I suddenly realise that it looks like the light blues are going to be saved! I share this thought with Rico, but as Hayley is still wearing her pink dress, he’s about as present and accounted for as Kev at Last Chance Training.
The voting begins and Kirsten fires the first shot at the red team by saying rangas are tough because everyone thinks they’re ugly and, because of that, Jess will do just fine on the outside.
Gerald of the greens also fires across the reds’ bow and then it’s looking grim until yellow Cher grabs the rifle and takes a chunk out of Amber’s smirk.
But it isn’t enough: bulldog Rosemary reckons Richard has been helping Kev dodge the trainers from the start and, because of that, Jess and Richard can fuck off for all she cares. And while Brett disagrees and says that it’s the reds who’ve been the supportive ones, Robyn has the final bullet and reckons the army don’t like the redheaded any more than they like gays and she won’t have her precious Katie associating with that shit.
Jess is sad and cries and Rico takes his eyes off Hayley long enough to note that if Robyn is going to keep grinning behind her hand, a lot of people are going to want to fist her in the face.
Amber, meanwhile, is working harder than she has in any of her workouts trying to keep the smug off her own chops. That is until Hayley announces that this is not the end of the road and that all eliminated teams will get the chance to ‘come back’ if they keep working on the outside.
Cut to Sam and Jess four weeks later and they’ve been working out and eating things that grow in the ground rather than out of a greasy, brown bag and they appear to have been engaging in wholesome beach activities with teenagers who – despite Jess’ weight loss – still can’t lift her without creating a rather awkward spectacle.
The show ends with a preview of the excitement to come which features some blubbering and an ambulance in the starring role.
I’m thinking it will be whichever one of the parents the producers have selected to be this year’s ‘heart attack scare’, but Rico thinks Michelle looked really pissed and that if Rosemary swaggered back into the gym still claiming that the cheeseburgery odour was just Big Kev’s cologne, Bridges might just have given her a world class beat-down.
Personally, I think that if anyone deserves a long, hard nipple cripple and a make-over with the bruise brush, it’s the Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie of Fat Town: Amber and Kirsten. But then again this is The Biggest Loser, not Lisa and Stefano At Home, so I should probably start preparing to see these little whores in some bad 90s tafetta on finale night, not in a hospital bed with a Michelle-sized fist-canal in their hind quarters.