So in today’s zoo challenge our teams had the task of cooking healthy food that kids would actually eat without having their favourite toys taken away as incentive.
Personal trainers Luke and Scott are particularly barred up by the thought because healthy shit is their thing and nothing makes them happier than stealing a kid’s chocolate and replacing it with broccoli.
Our cupcake gals, Jenna and Joanna, are adamant they are not going to end up in another Sudden Death. Not because it was a particularly hard fight, but because the chances of another team fucking up that royally are less likely than Kerrie going back in a time machine and giving those italian bitches that lamb.
Speaking of Kerrie, she and Craig are at each other’s turkey necks early today because Kerrie has snapped off her gusset and slapped her balls on the table. These two old gobblers have clearly left their hearing aids on the low setting because they’ve misheard the task and are getting sweaty pumping out a dish that is less likely to set mouths watering as guts chundering.
That’s right, creepy crawly lovers, these two wrinkled gimps are making a giant caterpillar and, because this is a healthy challenge, they’re using lettuce and brown apple and anything else they can knock off a compost heap to really freak these little fuckers out.
But they’re not the only ones who are dead set on giving the little brats nightmares to last them through puberty. Our Italian mamas, Angela and Melina, are worried these kiddies won’t have read that Stephen King story about the evil mechanical monkey so they’ve sweet talked that murderous bitch into letting them do a food tribute!
Fortunately or unfortunately – I can’t decide – the result is about as artistic as blackened teeth and it comes out looking more ass than face.
‘It’s a dead set JOKE’ snarks our Asian lovely Sophia, who reckons it is much smarter to dislocate kids’ jaws with a giant sandwich, than give them brown knickers to take home to their parents.
But it’s not all ideas sent by retarded donkey express. Josh and Andi are making burgers and, despite it being served with some tarted up zuccinis masquerading as chips, Rico perks up and starts muttering about McDonalds so I know they’ve nabbed their target audience. Jenna and Joanna have also rooted through the bins looking for fastfood pamphlets to provide inspiration and are doing what looks remarkably like KFC. Joanna says they are chicken drumettes with a cornflake crunch and that she hopes Jenna’s thirst for pink doesn’t make her undercook the chicken because the last thing she wants is for her Seven Secret Herbs abnd Spices to end up in a stomach pump.
Chris and Sam seem to have a bright idea with the old canteen favourite the sausage roll. On the downside, the filling has more carrot chunks than the average spew and Manu worries the pastry won’t be able to keep it down.
Our tattooed twosome, Dan and Steph, are making Sushi, proving that they aren’t fat because they don’t know about healthy food, but because they enjoy Mars Bars for breakfast with a side of oiled pig. Apparently kids like sushi now – as long as it isn’t fish and isn’t raw and isn’t sushi – and even though the only way Dan can sneak some salt on those corn cobs is to whack it in some water and call it Miso, he reckons they’ll scoff them down.
Jake and Elle are doing Taquitas which is, apparently, Mexican but could also be Siberian for what-the-fuck-is-this-shit. They look like little springrolls until they burn the fuck out of them and then they just look like a tray of dicks who mistook a furnace for a vagina.
Personal Trainers, Luke and Scott reckon all kids like spag bol and they’re going to do their darndest to change that by using spelt instead of spaghetti and performing a flavour exorcism on the sauce.
But it’s Ali and Samuel who have really brought the spastic to the stall by filtching a dish straight from a crusty old food court and using every ounce of food-fuckery in their arsenal to make it look even less palatable. You’ve got it, grease-lovers, gap-toofed Ali and her giant, asexual friend are cooking capsicum skewers with a few random chunks of what could be chicken (but could also be cat) rammed in between. Oh and they’re serving it with stirfried vegetables because:
‘Let’s face it’ Ali gushes, ‘kids LOVE veges. Or is that chocolate? Oh who the fuck cares.’
But here are the kids and they are HON-GRAY! It’s a veritable swarm chanting ‘MKR’ and I realise that the potential for this to go Lord of the Flies bad has decent odds if these entitled little bastards miss out on the burgers and end up staring down the barrel of an Ali-special.
But it’s too late to worry because the feeding frenzy has begun and it’s aan absolute stampede. The burgers, meatballs, sushi and chicken drumsticks get snarfed up in a haze of breadcrumbs and corn kernels. Sam and Chris’ sausage rolls also hop in an oesophagus rather than a taxi, and kids who are fooled by the word ‘bolognaise’ are queuing up for Luke and Scott.
‘Don’t eat the whole serving!’ shrieks Luke. ‘Fat kids make baby Jesus cry!’
Over in Italy and things aren’t going so well. The table is fairly groaning with the weight of monkey anus but these kids aren’t fools and there’s no way a sack of vegies tied up in a muffin skin and dressed like chimp crack is going to tempt them into losing their place in the chicken queue.
Still, Melina is trying: ‘Monkey anus!’ She sing-songs. ‘Guarranteed to give you ass breath!’
Meanwhile, Jake and Elle have given up trying to pronounce ‘taquita’ because they keep spitting on their customers and nobody brought any raincoats. Kerrie and Craig are also struggling because Kerrie scorched her nuts during prep time and the fact that she isn’t allowed to eat any of the children has put her into a fouler.
But oh christ on a kebab Ali and Samuel are suffering! The lone child who samples their food sticks out his tongue and says: ‘Where the FUCK do you find these people? Was that even FOOD?’
Finally it’s over and the last of the children are packed onto buses or ambulances and whisked off-camera so that our remaining teams can assume the position.
There’s a lot of love for the pink ladies, Andi and Josh, Jake and Elle and Steph and Dan. Our Asian friends get a serve from Manu because he dislikes having to stretch his lips for anything other than a solid 10-incher, but other than that the balls went down a treat!
Kerrie, who perked up at the word ‘balls’ is in for disappointment. According to Manu, Kerrie’s nuts had no place on the plate and should have stayed tucked behind her incontinence pad where Craig can’t get to them.
Luke and Scott have done well, say the judges, in putting the hooves in healthy and turning a dish traditionally loved by kids into something you’d pass over in favour of a dog food alternative. Angela and Melina, on the other hand, have outdone themselves for thinking that popcorn would improve the anal aftertaste and Pete says he didn’t know whether to eat it or BEAT it.
But oh if there’s any doubt that Ali and Sammy-boy are Sudden Death-bound it disintegrates when Manu says it was schitzophrenia on a plate and Pete tells the touching story of resuscitating a child who had eaten their food and whose first conscious words were: ‘Is that what Hell tastes like?’
Best dish goes to The Colonel’s new bitches, Jenna and Joanna, and there’s much footage of judge’s favourites, Josh and Andi, trying to keep the what-the-FUCK’s off their tongues and their fists in their pockets.
Ashlee and Sophia, meanwhile, are just pissed that Italy’s Great Hairy Hopes, Angela and Melina, live to fight another day and cook another ass.