So here we are back at Bogan Central for another round of artery clogging, courtesy of our resident lard-lovers, Dan and Steph.
The day starts with our tattooed twosome doing a few domestic chores in matching PJs and thongs. Dan shows remarkable dexterity mowing the lawn and managing not amputate both his trotters and this seems to bode well for his luck tonight in kitchen.
Or maybe not.
Tonight, Dan’s sausage is well and truly on the menu. ‘Hooray!’ sprays Rico through a mouthful of chicken schnitzel. ‘He’s got his cock on the block now!’
And so he has – in the form of a warm duck sausage entree. Steph, no self-proclaimed sausage expert, is showing her support in the form of a strangely flattering raw meat dress that Rico immediately labels a ‘fresh flesh frock’.
Dan’s dream, he says as he maniplates his meat, is for ‘people to drive hundreds of kilometres to taste my sausage’. He also wants to open up a sausage shop and thinks that tonight will be the perfect time to show the judges his prowess with pig skin.
It comes out and it looks like – well, dry sausage. They’ve made the odd decision to carve it into little nuggetty stumps and it honestly looks like the rubbery faux-meat you tend to find in a can of Chum.
Pete and Manu are ‘disappointed’. Pete describes it as ‘Dry. DRY!’ and around the table there’s some telling sleight of hand with mouthfuls and napkins.
Ali and Samuel, though, profess to love it. And it’s at this point that I realise these two will take dry dick to a disco if it means one of the ‘gatecrasher’ teams taking their last bite of pork.
Back in the kitchen and the pork knuckle main is turning into an even bigger tale of poor cookery than their entree. Don’t ask me how, but these culinary craftsmen have managed to dry out and undercook their meat at the same time. Rather than make the guests wait, they decide to rip all the flesh off and boil the absolute guts out of it. The reason being if it doesn’t work out, Steph will at least have some scraps for a new dress.
Dan takes a bite and says he’s ‘pulling the pin’. He ain’t serving it because he’d rather endure the shame of serving a vegetarian meal than have the diners do a dramatic re-enactment of Candice and a Fishbone – for real. Steph is supportive and just wants her fat husband to stop sobbing and thing of his next Bundy.
Enter Manu! And it’s awkward. Manu loves nothing more than to fondle a weeping woman, but when said woman is actually a 200kg bald man he doesn’t know where to put his petting pads. So instead he turns to the food. ‘You need to find a way to save it’ he says, point blank. Manu makes it clear that he will be tres fucked off if these two don’t even put some dry pork on his fork.
Back in the dining room and the contestants are talking about what they expect. There’s a lot of excitement at the thought of pig flesh that isn’t just bacon boiled in soft drink. Sophia, in particular, is used to chewing on pigs from the trotters up and so is anticipating greatness.
Turns out that Manu’s threats work wonders. Ok, I’m lying. All these dull bastards manage to do is pile up the scraps in a little circle and serve them with some sauce. They then parade their shit to the dining room and actually expect people to eat it.
Because Manu is the reason these two didn’t give the poor pig a decent burial, he congratulates them for not giving up and enthuses about the sauce – ‘the best of the competition’ he says. Pete’s response is so sliced and diced by the editing team that all we get to see is him being ‘disappointed’. I suspect he turned to Manu and said something along the lines of ‘Are you fucking RETARDED? This is hate on a plate!’
Steph acknowleges that ‘the dish isn’t perfect’ which has got to be the understatement of the competition. The consensus around the table is that this pig isn’t gonna go down wiitout a serious fight and Sophia thinks the next turd her dog hoovers off the sidewalk will have a better flavour.
Back in the kitchen and Dan can see the competition ‘slowly slipping away.’
‘Are you out of your fat MIND?’ Rico shrieks. ‘You’re going down faster than the fat kid on the fire pole!’.
Back in the dining room and the guests are discussing the impending dessert. To a seriously coordinated set of rolling eyeballs, Sophia says she needs some form of chocolate to ‘keep the will to live’.
I have decided she might be kind of awesome.
Back in the kitchen and Dan – who single-handedly laid fuckery on both of the courses so far – is thinking he still has the right to give Steph cooking advice. She tells him to back the truck up and trust her, but the sloppy git just keeps at her and I swear this must be true love because rather than taking out her righteous rage on his face, she just toils on and actually turns out a pretty decent-looking and, judging by the comments, tasting dessert.
Now, you’d think considering what these two had the sacks to serve that – dire as their score was – our Italian Ingenues, Angela and Melina, would be reasonably safe, right?
Wrong wrongetty WRONG!
That’s right my drama-loving divas, thanks to Manu’s love of his own crap advice and Ali and Samuel giving what was essentially two plates of armpits a seven, our lardy lovebirds leave Angela and Melina to shoot ‘you have GOT to be fucking JOKING’ looks at each other from the bottom of the leader board.
The biggest load of crap since Patty Newton was delivered of a son ends with Manu gushing that they ‘tried to give up but got told off’.
Oh hang on, that’s what ACTUALLY happened.