So finally it was the night we had all been waiting for: would Cupcake and Co outcook Lisa and Candice and send them into the welcoming tentacles of Jessie and Biswa? Or would they serve up a meal fit for a veruca and force the other contestants to undertake a covert laryngectomy on Lisa?
I don’t know about you, but the last thing I expected; the last thing I wanted, was the grisly spectacle that followed. That’s right romance lovers, strap on your corsets and get your smelling salts ready, because Pete and Manu have come a’courting!
Things start out relatively normal: the menu is a mix of Joanna’s sicilian heritage and Jenna’s obession with sugar and pink food colouring. The girls are a little nervous – especially Jenna – and are dressed in matching pink twinsets which I suspect could be an ironic dig at Lisa and Candice. My suspicions do an about face and tell me to get fucked when they change into even more matching fuscia prom dresses and I realise that these two aren’t being ironic, they’re just complete morons.
In the kitchen there’s fish that shouldn’t have bones and a strawberry mousse that has Jenna weeping like a Phys Ed relief teacher on a 40 degree day. No matter what she does, she cocks it up and she’s terrified that her practice of bragging to all the other couples about how she could fuck Adriano Zumbo with a spatula might not have been such a bright idea.
The guests arrive and they all seem charmed by the fact that the whole place looks pinker than the inside of a giant nipple. Against all this pinkness, Steph’s choice of leopard print and heavy cleavage makes her look as innocuous as a franga machine at a School Disco. Dan, despite being the plus one of Joan Collins, feels like he’s ‘at a nine year old’s birthday party’ and is less fascinated by his slutty wife than the sausage he’s just noticed on the menu.
That’s when things get a little… strange.
‘Youse,’ Joanna gushes ‘are all soooo important to us!’ The camera takes a moment to show us the other contestants’ reactions. Unlike Jenna, Joanna does not have a face like medicated custard, and by and large the boys look like they have just experienced a pleasant stirring in their trousers. Lisa and Candice, understandably, look about as impressed by Joanna’s affection as by a turd caught masquerading as a truffle.
After a saucy promise to give thai-style hand jobs for high scores, the girls retreat into the kitchen so that Jenna can continue to let down the team.
Ding dong! And it’s the judges! Joanna, realising that Jenna has developed the personality of a high fibre muffin stump, quickly shoves about two kilos of duck fillet into her cleavage and flings open the door.
‘You guys look… SMASHING tonight’ she breathes. At which point the judges realise that what they’ve just turned up to is not just your regular massage parlour.
Once the judges erections are tucked under the table, Jenna remembers her lines and starts sobbing that ‘it’s an honour’ to have them there. Pete or Manu – it’s impossible to tell which – starts actively wanking under the table and Lisa and Candice exchange a look that says ‘the FUCK didn’t we think of this?’
Out comes the entree which, Joanna says, is an old family recipe. She’s terrifed that the bones won’t have disintegrated, but she needn’t worry: there’s only one bone at this table and, judging by Pete’s ‘best dish of the competition’ response, it’s gripped firmly in his sweaty fist.
‘MKR is about real food and real people’ Pete enthuses in the afterglow. Joanna rightly recognises that, though the recipe is a family thing, it may as well have been her hand on Pete’s dick, so she should get the all the credit. They disappear back into the kitchen just as Manu is passing Pete the tissues.
Around the table the love is spreading – until it reaches Candice who starts hacking like a Rottweiler with Kennel Cough and scares it off.
“My fish is full of bones’ she whines, continuing to cough. But she’s wasting her time: the boys love the dish because fish almost rhymes with tits and the girls have about as much care for Candice’s health as for the family nanny caught choking on their husband’s pubes.
Back in the kitchen there’s trouble brewing. Joanna is freaking out because she has to man the BBQ and leave Jenna to mash some potato. Then when the sausages are cooked, she’s horrifed to notice that they look distinctly turd-like and that the last contestants who forced the judges to first base with a plate of shit got sent back to India.
Back in the dining room and Lisa is giving a fascinating oratory on the likelihood of bangers and mash being ‘pub food’. Candice isn’t saying much, but then the plates come out and her eyes light up with the fire of a thousand cunty thoughts.
‘It looks like poo!’ she tinkles with a smile that could carve up a codpiece.
But she’s in for a major disappointment: Pete is obviously in the middle of cranking out another drum solo because he thinks this shit doesn’t stink. Manu is also impressed but – fancy french fucker that he is – he would have like some jus on his jobby.
Back to the kitchen and Jenna bursts into tears for what feels like the millionth time that evening. But then the comforting piano music starts and her hero, Manu, enters the kitchen looking for his handjob.
He too is staring down the barrel of disappointment and has to content himself with a titty squeeze disguised as a comforting hug. He leaves the kitchen before the girls can hear him being called a bitch by his own dick.
The dessert comes out and Jenna starts blubbering about how she can’t stop trying to inhale her food. Despite Jenna’s meltdown, the dessert is significantly more attractive than her face and the dining room descends into chaos as everyone bar Lisa and Candice rush to exlaim over its beauty claim their promised handjobs.
Interestingly, neither Pete, nor Manu are shown to actually TASTE the dessert.
The scores are in and it’s an absolute wipe-out for our Western Australian Wonder Twins. The combined power of good food, waterworks and the kind of deep-throat seldom seen this side of the Playboy Mansion has put the girls in second place just below our healthsome heroes.
Lisa and Candice are still hoping for some sort of twist to save them from riding Pete’s boot tip to the exit, but for the final time they suffer the kind of dark disappointment Lisa no doubt felt when the midwife handed her a whore instead of a baby.
“We will be sad to see you go’ Pete says, with a giant bastard of a grin on his face. And the girls are ushered out just in time for the remaining couples from Group 1 to be ushered in.
And – oooh! -are they in for some beautiful news: the bottom three couples from the entire mash are being sent off on the cooking ho stroll once again.
And the mystery guests? Three couples who look like the Lion King and his main bitch, two lady boys fresh off Molly Meldrum’s boat and Angelica Houston and her tiny, ranga-bearded boyfriend.
Lisa and Stefano think this twist is worse than going to a swingers’ party and realising that the last keys in the bowl belong to the horny cripple couple who only get invited to be polite.
I say let the fuckery begin.